First off, I just want to say sorry. I feel like I have been venting on here far too much, and I am so so sorry. I feel like a whiny bitch, but I also feel like the people on EC are the only people that understand what I'm going through. That being said, if you can't stand the thought of reading yet another rant by an apparently incurable depressive, I won't be offended if you skip this. The past few weeks I feel like I have been heading deeper and deeper into the depression I thought I had left behind. I see a psychologist and I'm on pills for depression and anxiety, but recently it doesn't seem to matter. What has really started to worry me is that I have started to fantasize about suicide again, which I haven't done for a year, and I hurt myself the other day, which I haven't done in about a year and a half. I have started to deliberately destroy things and throw things, which I did when my depression was worst. I am so terrified of spiralling into another mental break. I feel like there have been lots of triggers to this, one of which is (of course) money :eusa_doh:. I am in college, and emancipated from my parents because they told me they would not help pay for college, and I get more financial aid if I am emancipated. However, my financial aid barely covers tuition. I live with my grandmother, because my school hours are five days a week 10.30-5.00, which pretty much makes it impossible for me to hold down a full-time job. I did JUST get a part-time one after months of looking but it's going to take me a while to rebuild my savings, and it's no where near enough to move out on. I feel as if I am burdening my grandmother, and my boyfriend lives with us too (I swear he is not a freeloader, he pays her rent and has a full-time job). She says she doesn't mind, and she is the one who told my boyfriend to move in after he was hospitalized for his Crohn's disease and lost all his money paying for the treatment, but I still hate it. Now his Dad is sick, so most of his money is going to him. To make matters worse my mother is moving in with us, because my grandmother is paying for her to go to rehab after my younger siblings were taken out of my mother's care by social services. I can't live with my mother. I am so terrified. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict was, obviously, not pleasant and she and I bring out the worst in each other. She is physically abusive and I have given up on her ever getting better, and the mere thought of her living with me (I haven't seen her for two years) sends me into panick attacks. The program I am studying is very specific, and ther is no way to change my school hours without COMPELTELY changing my major. To make things worse, I don't have health insurance, and neither does my boyfriend. He works as a contactor and all insurance companies we've tried have denied him because of his pre-existing condition. I can't afford private insurance and the insurance through my college has such a high deductable that you might as well not have insurance, and their dental insurance is too expensive. So recently my boyfriend's Crohn's disease has just gotten exponentially worse, and I am terrified. And then I went to the dentist the other day and just lost it. I was pretty sure I had a cavity and so I saved up enough money to pay for the dentist outright. I went and they told me I need a root canal, and a crown. For $12,33. I just lost it. I don't have that money. I came home and started screaming at my boyfriend that I hated this country and I wanted to go home (I'm from England, I moved to America when I was 14 to get away from my mother) and I felt sub-human because how could a country treat its people that way? I started sobbing and saying I would just have to have the tooth pulled but I didn't want to, because I had spent my entire life striving to defy the stereotype of British people with bad teeth (I really was kind of hysterical). So now I have a boyfriend in bed doubled over in pain, who hasn't eaten for three days, and a constant throbbing pain in my tooth. I feel hopeless and abandoned and alone. I want to hurt myself some more. I have tried talking about these things in therapy, but for some reason, I can never articulate the way I'm feeling :bang:. I always feel okay in the hour of therapy, but when I leave it's like the real worls sinks down on me and again and I want to scream, and hurt myself and hurt other people. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for dumping this on everyone. :icon_redf
I have absolutly no idea how to help you with this situation. All I can say/do is (*hug*). I know there will be somebody here who can help you and never ever ever feel bad about telling us your problems, nobody here would ever think you're a whiny :***: (&&&)
If your meds aren't working tell your provider. Seriously, don't assume that because what you're on (or the dosage you're at) doesn't work, nothing will. I've been on five anti-depressants, all of which worked to varying degrees, and it took months to get the right combination. Second, I believe that under the Affordable Healthcare Act (Obamacare), it's no longer legal to deny health insurance because of a pre-existing condition. But I'm not sure, I would ask a health clinic (unless someone here knows). Third, if therapy isn't working for you, it's quite possible that it's because of the therapist. Have you told him (or her) that it's not working for you? What have they said? You may want to consider switching to a new therapist. I switched off of my old therapist because he wasn't helping and he even helped me to find a new one.
Hey (*hug*) I can't say I've been in your position before but know that we're here for you and I'm glad you posted. I agree with Liam that you should tell your psychologist about your meds and how they aren't working. Sometimes certain meds can make you feel worse so you should definitely tell your doctor if the suicidal thoughts have been coming back. Remember none of the problems you're going through now are your fault and if your mom hurts you at all, you can go to the authorities if need be. Have you told your grandma about how scared you are to have your mom in the house? She could set up some guidelines for your mom to follow before moving in. Maybe it would help if you went to a different counselor or talked to some friends about this. This website definitely helps me. Are there any jobs at the school you go to? Like in the cafeteria, coffee shop, etc. That might work better with your school schedule. You could try telling your dentist about your financial situation and he/she might be understanding and lower the cost. Your boyfriend's doctor might also be understanding if you explain it to him. A close friend of mine had to get a heart monitor that cost $800 and she couldn't afford it and had no insurance so her doctor gave it to her for free. If you tell your doctor how much pain you are in and that you are going to school and can't get a job, he/she just might be nice and do the same. I know my friend was lucky but you never know. Don't forget that even though you're going through a tough time now, you are worth living. Think about how much you love your boyfriend if you have suicidal thoughts and how much he loves you. Think about the future and how much better it can get. Once you're out of school, you'll have a much easier time getting a job you love. Someday you'll be able to live on your own with your boyfriend and you won't have to worry as much about money. Keep hanging in there and never feel like you're bothering anyone on here. We all have troubles and we all are here for each other. You're a good person and don't give up. : )
