I just want to see if others had similar thoughts for years before admitting their true orientation... Probably since early high school (I'm 22 now), I've always internally joked with myself that I hope I don't have to deal with someone "finding out" I could be gay... But despite this, I never actually truly admitted to myself that I could be gay. I can remember several years before I turned the legal drinking age, myself telling myself that I should never drink a lot for fear I'd just blurt it out to people I'm drinking with-- but again still never admitted to myself the actual feelings. For the last week, I've just been thinking about this... and it's just been strange to me that I've always internally joked about it despite never actually admitting/accepting the possibility to myself until just recently. While I still don't know what label I should go by, it's just weird how I've suppressed this for so many years. Who have I been kidding? Does this resonate with anyone with similar internal ongoing jokes with yourself?
yep. it was more like an internal secret i kept from myself. it was a way of dealing with it and getting through the day without ever really having to self identify with it.
yep it was always the same for me. I always knew and just made sure the feelings were only kept on the inside, but over the past year or so it got to the point where the pressure was just plain tiring. The constant rhetoric I was surrounded by, the longing to just tell the people I cared about how what was in my mind didn't match what I was putting out there. I've started with my Girlfriend and it's baby-steps from here, but she always knew too, we just needed to get it out there and this place has helped me immensely. Check out my post "how do i deal without this blowing up in my face" some people gave me some pretty kickass advice there. But everyone's situation is different, I'm not confused about it, I just kept on telling those things to keep quiet.... for 10 years Keep it real man
I can identify with this. I kept worrying about which girls I'd ask to dance at school functions while checking out my crushes.
Yes! It actually happened today when I had to take some anti-anxiety drugs and I was terrified that I would accidentally say I was a lesbian. ALso for years now when girls talked about hot guys I'd like respond like 'Oh he IS so hot' and then in my head be like 'lol if they only knew'.
I find it really interesting the way I created some sort of elaborate self delusion before I came to terms with being gay. I actually have trouble now that I am at this point imagining how I thought. I genuinely can't imagine compartmentalizing this part of my identity into something that could be ignored or rationalized. What was I thinking when I sort of dated these two different girls in college (sort of dated because we never really did anything, one I never even kissed)? I mean to be frank, how could I possibly be attracted to gay porn and call myself heterosexual? who knows, but I am happy those days are behind me.
Yep. 100% agree. Even the part about drinking - on a number of occasions, I've thought to myself beforehand: "Right. You are NOT to say anything tonight. No matter how right it may seem at the time". Even though at time I'd not actually properly accepted the possibility that I could be gay. I was just worried that people might find out that i might be. Maybe I was just worried about subconsciously admitting it? Dunno. It's actually really hard to describe lol but yeah your wording in the first post summarize it perfectly
Yeah, I agree completely. I'm only starting to accept the fact that I'm gay, and it's still feels funny when I think about it. It's kinda hard to explain, as the user said above me, your first post pretty much summed it up. Like your thing about drinking sorta, I was worried I was gonna say something when just waking up from anesthesia when I had dental surgery last summer, lol, cause I have a history of saying things when I have medical procedures done!! haha.
Heh, I had major surgery ~1 year ago and I was worried they could somehow tell. Like.. when they put me to sleep what if I got an erection, or something like that. But honestly, I was far too sick at the time to hardly care about that, but it did cross my mind. But also during the week that I was in recovery in the hospital... spending 24x7 in a foreign place, I also kinda felt like maybe the nurses thought I was weird/gay (probably due to my internal paranoia about it), despite me not even admitting this to myself yet.
Haha, that's pretty funny! XD I know what you mean though. I always get weird when I got to the doctor because, even the very high unlikeliness, that they can somehow tell that a person is gay, lol.
