Hey everybody! I was wondering if anybody could help me figure out how to better accept my sexuality. Over the past year I have come so far in accepting the fact that I'm gay. Now, when I say that "I've come so far," I mean that I now do realize that I'm gay, but no matter how sure of myself I am most of the time, I still can't fully bump the, "What if I'm actually straight and this is just a phase?" A long ass phase! :lol: Sometimes I'll see a woman that i know I'm supposed to find attractive, and I'll ask myself,"Am I attracted to this woman?" But if I have to ask myself that question I think that pretty much provides the answer. I'm currently out to two people (one of whom is gay), but I can't seem to shake the idea that once I come out to all of my close friends that all of a sudden I'll find myself being attracted to women. I mean I've always been able to emotionally connect with women, but its never gone beyond that. The one girlfriend I've ever had would always get frustrated with how I would never initiate anything sexual, and that she felt like the only one ever wanting to "get frisky" (and she was right. 99% of the time sexual stuff never crossed my mind with her). She was also one of those Christian girls who wanted to do everything but have actual sex (saving herself for marriage), and I never had a problem with it. However, I know that drives most straight dudes nuts, but I never thought anything of it. And that's pretty much the extent of my "straight activities." I think it's my history of having a few "emotional crushes" on women and the fact that I'm terrified of my dad finding out that are the reasons for holding me back from fully (100%) accepting myself as a gay man. I mean every time I'm in the mood to look at porn, I never even consider looking at straight stuff. When looking back at my adolescence I also see a lot of same sex attraction that I wrote off as body envy or that I just flat out ignored. And for the longest time now (at least a year and a half) I haven't been able to even convincingly imagine myself being in a relationship with a woman. I only see a future with men. And yet while I'm positive that I'm gay, I still have these tiny occasional second guesses that are so damn annoying! Basically what I'm building up to is a question. I've heard that once people have reached the point when they want to start coming out, all of these little second guesses and fears begin to bubble up because everyone is about to find out this secret that you've kept to yourself for so long. Has anyone else experienced something similar to my situation? Before you came out did you have a resurgence of occasional "straight" fears? And if you speared ahead and came out despite them, did those second guesses go away? I apologize for the rambling nature of this post. I just wanted to make sure I got everything that's been running through my head on this "second guessing day." Thanks everybody!
Most everyone has that fear. It's more of a last-minute rationalization by your unconscious that's uncomfortable with accepting that you're gay, sort of a "WAIT! You can't do this!! What if you're really straight?" sort of thing. It's normal. I think most people go through it. From what you've said, i'd say it's 99.999% certain you're gay so I wouldn't do anything but chalk it up to last-minute rationalization as you're trying to get to fully accepting yourself.
I've just gotten past that "phase". I've only come out to 4 ppl so far but after I came out to the fourth person I was freaking out and pretty much felt the same way you do. I guess since some ppl knew I was grasping at the last shreds of hope that I could possibly still be straight or at least bi. But honestly the more I thought about it, the more I realized that i'm 100% gay. and nothing is ever going to change that. You just have to give yourself some time to work through everything. I hope that helped. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Sometimes I have the same questions. Yet, I think my would point to me being straight even stronger than yours. For example, the other night I was at a bar (buzzed, not drunk) and was talking to a girl who I kept having this really strong urge to kiss. But, the next day I knew that I didn't really want to start a relationship with her or just be with her sexually. Like you, I could step back and say "no, I'm definitely gay." And, for me at least, that satisfies my anxieties. Another thing that has helped me is being on an online dating site. There's a lot of sketchy ones out there but I like -dating site-. I started chatting with some guys and immediately began having the "crush" feelings that everyone always talked about in junior high and high school. Just, the fanciful what if and how our life would be together. It was this ah-ha moment for me when I realized, so this is what it should feel like. Not the fake feelings I tried to create with girls. So, maybe you could give that a try too.
I am actually kind of going back and forward in this "phase" Before accepting it...well i guess you could stay I am still accepting it, but I would constantly get to the point where I was about to tell someone and I would stop worried that I was about to tell them something wrong. The thing that I believe helped me the most actually is this site. There were so many stories that matched mine that it helped me make sense of it all. I did what you are doing now during my entire senior year. It gets hard. I mean I also have the same fear you do about your father. I am scared to death of the idea of telling my dad. Not to mention my homophobic grandparents. You gotta do what feels right. If the thought of being with a guy feels right both sexually and emotionally. Then I would say your gay. I am similar to you when it comes to the whole "I can be emotionally attached" to girls thing. But several people have told me, even on here, that a relationship, whether you like or not, always will have a degree of sexuality to it. And if you can't give that to a girl, then it probably isn't right for you. No matter what though, in the end it will only be you who can know who you are. It is after all your life. You have to be happy. That is probably one of the most important thinks is being happy with yourself. I hope this was some help.
Thanks to all of you for the responses! They're all really helpful! Every time I come to EC I always leave that much more confidant in who I am. Thanks again!
OMG you took the words right out of my head, your experiences and feeling are so similar to my own. I'm still in the self acceptance stage but just reading your post and the responses given has helped me understand my own felling so much better, thank you so much for posting this. (*hug*) I mean really, thank you so much.
i feel the same as brightsky im going through the same back and forth even with 100% evidence i really am gay, this helped a lot thanks. :eusa_clap
I feel exactly the same way!! I havent told anybody, and I still dont know if I want to for the reasons you mentioned, but seeing there are people in the same situation Im in does help
+1 for another that feels the same When reading your post, it was like I was reading my own thoughts. I'm sure deep down I know I'm gay, but I just can't shake this "What if I change my mind? What if I've made a mistake?" feeling. Which then seems to send me into a loop of denial again, where I'm constantly asking myself this question.
i was in exactly the same boat as you guys for years and years. I knew i am gay, but what if I am wrong. :eek: the pressure of my folks for me to get a gf and settle down, get married and have kids also played a huge role in this feeling :eusa_naug. I was torn :tears: , i love guys, but sometimes a girl would walk by and i would go "wow". this made me even worse, how can I be gay yet attracted to beautiful woman... what was even worse, the attraction wasn't sexual. I would be with friends and they end up watching porn, i wasn't looking at the girls, i was looking at the guys... only the few girls who had nice breasts or face or body i would look at but down there i just isn't interested, it looks dangerous there and not at all pleasing:help:. Where the guys usually comment on the girls, i would comment on the guy's style and the size of his manhood, but occasionaly i would coment how beautiful the woman's body was:eusa_liar. My friends even tried to organize me a sex date :bang: (if you can believe that crap :roflmao and they were there, trying to coach me in to just having sex with the woman, but i just couldn't bring myself to it. In the end though i figured that I am gay and not bi and that alone was a huge relieve for me! (!) No more sex dates for me!
Sometimes when I see a woman who I find good looking I think, "Could I possibly have a relationship with her if she was interested in me?" Then I realize if she has a good looking brother or cousin or friend, I'd be more interested in them than her and I could never be attracted to her like I am to guys. Your comment about your ex gf reminded me how I could never figure out why it was so hard for guys to wait until marriage to have sex. It was no big deal for me because I didn't feel anything for women. It sounds like you feel the same way.
