This is my first post on Empty Closets, hopefully the first of many. EC seems like an awesome place to ponder, vent, ask, and share anything, which is just what I've been looking for. Anyway, something that's been on my mind lately is how being an only child will factor into my coming out process. I'm not out to anybody at this point, but hope to start sharing my "secret" with some close friends and family soon. One of my biggest concerns is that coming out as a gay man will be a huge disappointment to my parents, since all their hopes and dreams are placed upon me alone...developing a successful career, getting married, having children (their grandchildren), etc. I understand that you shouldn't live your life based on what others envision for you, but still, the pressure is there. It's not as if I'm one of several children, and if my family can't handle or come to terms with my sexuality, I can move away or keep my distance. For example, my mother has four sisters, one of whom is a proud lesbian and has been with her partner for some thirty years. While not openly hostile to this aunt, there's a general sentiment that the rest of the family doesn't approve of her "lifestyle", and thus she has chosen to move to the West coast and make a new life there. She joins in for holidays occasionally, although her partner never comes (whether that's their choice or whether they feel family pressure not to come together, I don't know; I really hope it's not the latter, which would be sad and repulsive in my view). The point is, I'm pretty close with my parents at this point (pre-coming out). I don't know for sure how the truth, that I'm gay, will affect my relationship with them, but I'm afraid that they'll be especially disappointed because there are no other children that can fulfill their expectations, and no other children with whom they can remain close should I choose to distance myself. Does this make any sense? Is anyone else here in a similar situation, as an LGBT only child, who could offer some advice on what issues/complications you've encoutered? Thanks.
Well... Im technically an only child since i have only half bros that i dont live with... I just told my grandma, her only bad thing she said was that i wont b ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2011 at 01:26 AM ---------- Able to have childeren... But i told hur that i could via surrogate. She then said that is ok, and that was hur only fear. She said she loved me no matter wat ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2011 at 01:28 AM ---------- And that she just wanted to see me happy. Hope that helps. ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2011 at 01:29 AM ---------- And that she just wanted to see me happy. Hope that helps. ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2011 at 01:29 AM ---------- And that she just wanted to see me happy. Hope that helps.
First of all, everything you listed are still possible. Secondly, their hopes and dreams are most likely placed on you being happy. It might be fair to guess that they assume your happiness requires a bunch of things in that they have planned out for you. Like I said though, the core of it is about you being happy, which you can and should be. You can choose to get married, have children, buy a house, make alot of money. If that is what you want, there is nothing stopping you. As someone who has to remind himself that this is my life and not my parents fairly often, I say you need to take your own advice and live by it. Making people happy is good, but if their happiness is dependent on you living your life out according to some script they have written out for you...well that is just selfish and 100% their problem. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, no one else does. Be brave and don't let other people's ideas or actions keep you from being happy.
Like Kevin42 said, all of the stuff you think your parents are expecting of you is still possible, and if you want to do that stuff you can. Nothing, especially not your sexuality, changes the fact that all of those things are choices you have. Secondly, your family might come around when you come out to them. A lot of times parents think they know what it means to be gay and then they freak, but eventually learn what it really means (nothing, except you like guys) and then realize that you're the same son they've always had who can have a family if he wants to and will live his own life just like everyone else, gay or straight or otherwise. You never know. They might change their attitudes about your aunt's "lifestyle choice" if they realize that it's not a lifestyle choice. Not that that should be your focus, this really is about you, I'm just saying that with a little more education your parents could come around and be fine.
I'm an only child, I totally get what you're saying. The thing is...your life is just that: yours. Your parents shouldn't be "missing out" on anything just because you happen to be gay. If they have a kid who is happy with himself, then what's there to be upset about?
I'm also an only child and I can relate to a lot of that. I guess that everyone has their particular way to come to terms with this situation, but what has been helping me is to accept that, no matter what my parents might think of me being gay, with all the implications it carries (I'll have a hard time in certain environments if I decide to fully come out to everyone, they are unlikely to ever have biological grandchildren etc.), doing it is unavoidable, even if it's unpleasant. That is, I think it may be easier to think of coming out as something that is necessary and that will make your life a lot better in the future, even if it is hurtful.
I agree with everyone else here. I can not say I am the only child, but i am the only boy in the family. My folks also had big dreams for me, like becoming a doctor (my mother's plan) or a mechanic (my father's plan), get a wife, be married, have children and produce grand children and so forth. I've let them down on the work though, didn't become either, instead i am a graphic designer... my father doesn't like it and since i left school and refused to work in his mechanic shop we just couldn't see eye to eye. my mom on the other hand still wish i leave this fantasy behind and become a doctor, but she learned to be happy for me no matter what my career choice is. Today is is proud to say i am a graphic designer. The next step for me was to come out to my folks... they know gay and lesbian people and are even good friends with some of them, but that doesn't mean they are ok with it if one of their children say they are gay, in that regards they are conservative. Then my hubby came into my life and one weekend we went down to my folks, I planned it so that I talk to them alone first, but i was mortified. The thing is no matter how well you plan to get out, it never really runs accordingly to plan. The chosen weekend my older sister were not supposed to be there. But it turned out they were. Another gay gay whom my parents became friends was also there renting out a room from them. his brother and his wife and kid was there and so my sister's husband was there too. It was a big braai (BBQ type of thing, but involving different kinds of food... quite good, should actually try it) So there were alot of people, including my younger sister's boyfriend. People were coming in and out of the house the whole time that night. At last nearly at 11 o'clock that night me and hubby were successful to get my parents alone in the tv room (dad was watching some replay of rugby and mom wanted to watch her favourite garden show, so they were kind of arguing which channel to watch and making fun of one another. My folks is like that, really funny and i love them for that) the last of the other people in the house went outside to the braai, the meat and stuff were just about to finish and they were playing some kind of drinking game. By that time my nerves were worse than a train wreck crossed with WW1 and WW2. so my hubby took it from there. (I just could get my mind straight and talk to them and afraid the others around the house would just come in while we are speaking) so my hubby, at that time my bf spoke to them. "Mother, father (he always called them like that and they don't mind) we have something to discuss." My mother, being the open friendly person she is, asked what is is, my dad on the other hand just looked at both of us, as if expecting a bomb or something and then focused his attention to the TV. "We are going out." My dad said, sure, here's the car keys and have fun, don;t be late though the food is almost ready and then just kept watching TV. My mom on the other hand knew that was not what he meant and looked at me for a long time (probably expecting this to be some kind of joke or something) but when she saw we were serious she stood up and gave me a hug. My dad looked at this new development and asked what the matter. My bf then told him were are dating. That got his attention and was looking at both of us in silence and not say anything. well about that time all the people outside cam in and brought all the food, so we left it at that. later that night (nearly 2 am) most of the other people were gone and the rest also staying there went to the separate rooms. we were sleeping in the tv room as all the other rooms were taken already. My dad was busy drinking his whiskey and my mom sat with us, drinking hot chocolate she made for her, me and my bf. He started to ask all kinds of questions (probably to find out if we were serious about it or just making fun of it) like how do we have sex, if we at all find a woman's body sexually attractive, why not and so on. my mom was a little sad cause she knew i would not have a child... we told her, it's early in our lives and if we wanted one we can get a surrogate mother to bring one into life for us and we can raise the child as our own. We can even adopt one if it is difficult and so on. In the end though my folks became very acceptive of who I am, yes their dreams of me was dashed, but i had the habit of dashing those dreams anyway. Today they have a better relationship with me and my hubby and they really adore him. My mom's one comment that night though to both of us was "Deon, I know you are the best choice for my son, I know you will look after him. For the first time my soul can rest assured to know he will be looked after better than we could have ever." ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2011 at 02:14 PM ---------- I agree with everyone else here. I can not say I am the only child, but i am the only boy in the family. My folks also had big dreams for me, like becoming a doctor (my mother's plan) or a mechanic (my father's plan), get a wife, be married, have children and produce grand children and so forth. I've let them down on the work though, didn't become either, instead i am a graphic designer... my father doesn't like it and since i left school and refused to work in his mechanic shop we just couldn't see eye to eye. my mom on the other hand still wish i leave this fantasy behind and become a doctor, but she learned to be happy for me no matter what my career choice is. Today is is proud to say i am a graphic designer. The next step for me was to come out to my folks... they know gay and lesbian people and are even good friends with some of them, but that doesn't mean they are ok with it if one of their children say they are gay, in that regards they are conservative. Then my hubby came into my life and one weekend we went down to my folks, I planned it so that I talk to them alone first, but i was mortified. The thing is no matter how well you plan to get out, it never really runs accordingly to plan. The chosen weekend my older sister were not supposed to be there. But it turned out they were. Another gay gay whom my parents became friends was also there renting out a room from them. his brother and his wife and kid was there and so my sister's husband was there too. It was a big braai (BBQ type of thing, but involving different kinds of food... quite good, should actually try it) So there were alot of people, including my younger sister's boyfriend. People were coming in and out of the house the whole time that night. At last nearly at 11 o'clock that night me and hubby were successful to get my parents alone in the tv room (dad was watching some replay of rugby and mom wanted to watch her favourite garden show, so they were kind of arguing which channel to watch and making fun of one another. My folks is like that, really funny and i love them for that) the last of the other people in the house went outside to the braai, the meat and stuff were just about to finish and they were playing some kind of drinking game. By that time my nerves were worse than a train wreck crossed with WW1 and WW2. so my hubby took it from there. (I just could get my mind straight and talk to them and afraid the others around the house would just come in while we are speaking) so my hubby, at that time my bf spoke to them. "Mother, father (he always called them like that and they don't mind) we have something to discuss." My mother, being the open friendly person she is, asked what is is, my dad on the other hand just looked at both of us, as if expecting a bomb or something and then focused his attention to the TV. "We are going out." My dad said, sure, here's the car keys and have fun, don;t be late though the food is almost ready and then just kept watching TV. My mom on the other hand knew that was not what he meant and looked at me for a long time (probably expecting this to be some kind of joke or something) but when she saw we were serious she stood up and gave me a hug. My dad looked at this new development and asked what the matter. My bf then told him were are dating. That got his attention and was looking at both of us in silence and not say anything. well about that time all the people outside cam in and brought all the food, so we left it at that. later that night (nearly 2 am) most of the other people were gone and the rest also staying there went to the separate rooms. we were sleeping in the tv room as all the other rooms were taken already. My dad was busy drinking his whiskey and my mom sat with us, drinking hot chocolate she made for her, me and my bf. He started to ask all kinds of questions (probably to find out if we were serious about it or just making fun of it) like how do we have sex, if we at all find a woman's body sexually attractive, why not and so on. my mom was a little sad cause she knew i would not have a child... we told her, it's early in our lives and if we wanted one we can get a surrogate mother to bring one into life for us and we can raise the child as our own. We can even adopt one if it is difficult and so on. In the end though my folks became very acceptive of who I am, yes their dreams of me was dashed, but i had the habit of dashing those dreams anyway. Today they have a better relationship with me and my hubby and they really adore him. My mom's one comment that night though to both of us was "Deon, I know you are the best choice for my son, I know you will look after him. For the first time my soul can rest assured to know he will be looked after better than we could have ever."
I'm an only child and honestly I can't really say anything except what everyone has already- it's your life. I completely know how you feel, at the moment I'm worried about the same thing. It's really a choice between fulfilling your parents expectations and you being happy. Personally I've decided that whatever happens, I'm going to stay true to myself. They should accept us for who we are and who we love. If they don't, then they heven't just lost their expectations, they've lost their only children. Hope everything works out for you (*hug*)
I'm not an only child, but thought I'd comment anyway. One thought I had is what if you were straight and didn't want kids? Would you have a kid just to please them? You being happy should be their top priority for you so if that happens to be with a dude, they should be happy if you're lucky enough to fall in love. They should prefer this rather than lose their only son due to their stubborn bigotry (which hopefully isn't true). I have a lesbian aunt with 30 year partner who moved far away to California and no one hardly mentions her and no one has openly said she's lesbian. When I was a kid, my mom said they're roommates since living cost is so high in CA. She has never told me the truth. I think one or two of my other aunts had a big problem with her being gay which probably influenced the rest of the family. Maybe your mom isn't the main cause of the friction regarding your aunt. Could you talk to your mom or contact your aunt to get the full story of what happened? I hope it all turns out alright for you
Glad to see I'm not the only one with this problem!! I'm an only child, too. I have been thinking about coming out to my parents soon, and this is one aspect that might be hard for them to take. Specifically my mom, she's talking about how one day I will have grand-kids and how much she can't wait to be a grandma one day. And I always feel a bit weird when she's says this, but then I remember there is always the alternatives, such as adoption or surrogate to have kids. So, when you come out to your folks, just let them know that you are still able to provide the things they wish for you. But just remember, you live your life how you want to. If you don't wanna have kids, well, then too bad for them, is what I say! LOL XD Anyway, good luck to ya!
I am also an only child and a lot of this thread also rang true in my situation. My dad and I are (unfortunately) distanced due to a divorce, and he may feel blindsided by me telling him that I'm gay. My Grandma whom always talks about girlfriends, grandchildren and getting me together with girls (The cursed three Gs of Grandparents) would up and right have a heart attack if it were just dropped on her. We are close enough though that I might be able to reconcile in time. My mom though, who once caught me fooling around with a guy friend of mine and pulled me aside to tell me how hard being gay is in this time, would accept me the most I feel. I think it's very important to have at least ONE family member who supports you wholeheartedly before you come out.
Thanks for those excellent responses, everyone. Although each of you had a unique perspective, one consistent theme was the ultimate choice between living to be content and happy by being true to yourself, and living to satisfy others' expectations. At this point, I can only see one healthy choice. To continue the straight act to make my mom and dad comfortable would only result in depression and self-loathing. Not having any siblings might add another complicating variable to the equation, but the task remains the same...just tell them! I am coming out, simply said, and they must learn to deal with it. :eusa_danc My best prediction is that they'll be initially shocked, then disappointed that their grand plan won't pan out as they hoped, then eventually they'll accept it because they want me to be happy and healthy.
Glad the advice everyone is giving you has helped you. Let us all know how it goes when you do eventually come out! Hope everything works out for you.
Yea, good luck coming out to them and I hope it goes really well. What's going on in your life now, school, job, etc? Do you live with your parents or on your own?
I'm an only child, one of the first things my mom said was "Well... I was hoping to have grandchildren someday but I guess that's probably not going to happen..." I think she's more scared about me being happy than anything really... She still said she loved me anyway the whole time though, which, I was never even close with either of my parents, and you say you are, so I'd say they'll get over it but I don't know them at all either. I think being an only child does put some extra pressure on you though, I understand exactly what you're talking about. I was always a high achiever as a kid, my parents have always expected a lot from me as a result, so it is harder to crush their perfect little worlds when they have no other kids to keep their hopes up on. If it turns out they're not ok with it at all, you're 23 and should be on your way out, if not out of their house already. Nobody is hoping for that, but if it happens, then you just have to choose what is more important, your own happiness, or other people's...
Like others, I am also an only child. When I first came out, her first reaction was about her not having grandchildren and she was asking if I was sure that I was gay and not bisexual (a few years prior I told her that I was bisexual, but it was never brought up because I was still confused at that stage.) It took her a few months, but she has come around and we're now closer than we were before. As long as I am happy, she is. One thing you need to be in life is happy. You can't build your life around others expectations and standards. The positive thing is that you can still do all of these things (depending on your location if you plan on getting married, of course.)
