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Gay in a heterosexual relationship - advice appreciated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by redblanket, Aug 7, 2011.

  1. redblanket

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone

    I posted a bit about this in my introductions thread, but I think I should have saved it for here! This is pretty much why I joined empty closets when I came across it. I had an eating disorder for much of my adolescence/early 20s and although I had known I wasn't straight since I was 13, I didn't really get a chance to experiment much because I was too ill. Then I was violently sexually assaulted by the first woman I came out to as bi, which put me off sex entirely for a good few years. Now my life is a lot better, and I'm at the stage where I really want to get involved with the LGBT community where I live and have a bit of fun - to catch up on my missed teenage years maybe!

    The problem is I've been in a heterosexual relationship for the last 18 months. We got together when I was in recovery from anorexia and my hormones were all over the place from getting my periods back (apologies if this is TMI), and I developed a huge crush on him. He's a lovely person and I DO love him as a friend, but now I've been healthy for a while and my body has settled down, I don't really find him attractive any more, or more specifically I don't find the fact that he is male attractive. Sex makes me feel really anxious and uncomfortable. It's not him as a person as much as him being a man - I've only ever found one other man attractive, and he was also a close friend. I've never had crushes on random men or fantasized about them, it always confused me when I was younger and my friends were talking about male celebrities they fancied or whatever, until it dawned on me that all of my sexual attraction was aimed at women.

    So I'm beginning to think that I'm gay rather than bi, and that coming out now is the only sensible option before things go any further with my partner. But he is really in love with me and wants to move in with me. He also has mental health problems and is finally doing a bit better after being ill for years, and I can't bear to crush him by telling him I think I'm gay. I know I've been acting a bit weird towards him for the last couple of months, and I think he's picking up on it. I don't know what to do. All my common sense and ethics say I should tell him, and wish like hell that he still wants to be friends. But the irrational and difficult to argue with part of me can't stand the idea of breaking up with him. I wish there was some middle ground, like being with him without having to have sex - but that's really not going to work for him. I am tempted to cheat on him every time I get hit on by a girl, and doing that would make me hate myself. Basically I'm being a massive chicken and I am really angry with myself for it :frowning2:

    I know a lot of LGBT people find themselves in hetero relationships or even get married before they come out, so I was wondering if anyone here had been in a similar position to me, and if they had any advice. I am driving myself crazy with this and I don't want to put my own mental health at risk again.
     
    #1 redblanket, Aug 7, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2011
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

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    It sounds like you know what you have to do - you just need somebody to tell you to do it. So here I am.

    Break up with him.

    Staying with him isn't doing either of you any favors. He's operating under the delusion that you two are heading down the path of "together forever", and you're technically already over him (sexually, at least). So that's definitely something you need to nip in the bud. You'll need to make it clear to him that no, it's not him. You've always thought you were bisexual, and you felt that a relationship with him would be a great and fulfilling one. But as time has gone on, you realize you're not sexually attracted to him, or any other guy, and therefore you're probably gay. You still love him, you definitely want to be a part of his life, but you can't be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him.

    Will this "crush him"? Definitely. But better to find out now than continue the deception for months or years. Be there for him if that's what he wants, or give him space if that's what he wants. Let him decide that for now.

    Lex
     
  3. This ^

    I was very involved in a serious relationship with a guy when I realized that I'm gay. I knew I had to tell him, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Turns out he was thinking about proposing to me...yeesh. He understood, even though it really hurt him. And it hurt me too. But it was the right thing to do and we both knew it.

    AND, fast forward to today: He and I are not SUPER close like we were, and we barely spoke for months after we broke up, but now we talk pretty normally, pretty regularly and it's nice to just be friends again, sort of.

    Obviously I can't tell you that it will all work out for you like it did for me, but I hope it does. It's possible. But even if you both want to be friends, you might want to give it some time before you do that so you have time to disconnect a little from the closeness of being in a relationship with someone. It sometimes gets weird if you don't...

    This sucks, I know, but good luck (*hug*)
     
  4. Brentini

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    i had a similar situation, i dated this girl, and the more i was around her the happier i was, and since i hadnt dated a guy yet i felt obligated to ask her out, while we were together i was extremely awkward whenever she would make it obvious that she wanted me to kiss her, and finally it got so awkward between us that we broke up, and about 2 months later we started talking again and i told her that i was gay, and i guess that made everything clear to her, and after that we became even closer than before we started dating, except it was strictly a plutonic relationship
    so basically what im saying is that maybe instead of telling him flat out that you're leaving him to go date girls, you could break up, and let him heal and then elaborate why you left him once hes ready to see you again, although it might also work out that if you wait to tell him, when you finally do he might be all like "why didnt you tell me that you're gay?" i think if it were me, i would tell him im gay and hope that he can realize that it has nothing to do with him, he cant blame you for discovering who you are
    hope this helped =)
    good luck