Hello Guys,! I'm 20 and questioning everything thats been going on in my life! I cant seem to cope with all the feelings and emotions I've been getting. I don't have a clue whats going on nor do I know how to fix it, if I even can. I'm from Belfast, Ireland, and I cannot stop questioning who I am, what I'm going to become, and who I want to be. I've come from quite a large family, 1 girl, 4 boys including myself, so basically I came from a quite a masculine family, Im the youngest and closest to my sister whom is 23 and my oldest brother whom is 30. I've been just questioning my sexual orientation, as much as it hurts to say it!, I have!!!. Basically, I cant stand the thought of being gay, I hate it, I dont hate gay people, basically I see it as their choice. I just dont want to be part of that choice. I'm very close to my sister but I dont see an event in the near furture where Ill be telling her how I feel, I just don't see it happening. I just don't know anything anymore, I use to be the guy, top of the class, good at most things and that most girls loved!,, I've had sex with 5 girls and have been with plenty more. I just don't know how I feel anymore and need someone to help me. I know I sound so daft but I cant get this feeling out of my head, and its basicallty driving be crazy. Two of my brothers are quite less open minded then myself and my sister, basically they hate everything that I think I'm becoming. Only lately they beat the head of me because I had an arguement with one of their girls, both of them joined in and started fights with me. They are sometimes sad and pathetic, but this is all with acohol in them. I just can't stand them when they are like that. If someone would please enlighten me! I just feel like giving up!! Thanks A
First off, dont give up. You're not sick, you're not wrong, and i'm pretty sure that everything will work out. The first thing i wanna say is, im pretty sure you know now that being gay isn't a choice. I used to feel the same way. I hated myself cuz i thought i was wrong. "Boys are supposed to like girls" is what i thought. I thought i was just in a phase in my life where i was just confused about things. But i wasnt. Im gay, I like guys, and there's nothing wrong with that. I understand that Ireland has a slightly more conservative culture than California does, or atleast i think so. The thing that you need right now is someone to talk to when you're doubting yourself. I honestly can relate to your story cuz i dont get along with my dad and he told me that im going to hell. Is he right? No. The problem is peoples' ignorance about things they dont understand. The thing i really want you to know is, you're not wrong, and everything will be ok. If you ever need to talk to someone, i would love to be that person, you know, if you dont already have someone. I hope that what i said helped. (sorry it was so long haha =P)
Have heart, my friend! This is one of the most difficult stages of being gay -- self acceptance. I only recently, came to accept myself as being gay. I think it might help to spend some time figuring out to whom you are attracted. I don't have much experience, but it sounds like you might be bi if you have had sex with five girls and enjoyed it. I dated two girls and I couldn't bring myself to kiss the first one (it ended after three weeks) and I didn't kiss the second one until she asked (also didn't last long) and I can't imagine having sex with a girl. If you do find that you are gay, one thing I would suggest is focusing on the day to day aspect of remaining in the closet, rather than on the long term consequences. If you are in fact gay, you have to accept that you will never be happy with a woman. Furthermore, keeping your sexuality a secret takes a heavy emotional toll. When I finally accepted that I was gay, I felt mentally healthy for the first time in probably a decade. It was like waking up after a fever had broken. If you don't want to talk to your sister, we are certainly here to listen and help -- you need only ask. It sounds like you probably are not ready to talk to her, especially if you are so uncomfortable that you are questioning your sexuality. The bottom line is that you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable to talk others. It is a long road. For me it took nearly ten years, for other it is much shorter. I can assure you that it will get better as you go down this road to figuring out who you are. You may not believe it -- I didn't at first -- but if you take the time to read the stories on this site, it will hopefully change this.
