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Getting over a crush

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Marlowe, Aug 7, 2011.

  1. Marlowe

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    So I am definitely not the first on EC to develop a crush on a straight friend of mine. For me it is my best friend from college, we have a bit of a bromance going on, but it is definitely more romantic than bromatic, at least on my end. I am sort of in love with him. Obviously this is not good for our friendship, but in all of the threads, including ones I have posted, I can't seem to find any advice beyond: "GET OVER IT!!!!!" If it were that simple I would.

    I need more specifics than someone lecturing me on how unhealthy and likely disastrous it is to nurture these feelings. That much is obvious to me. How do you get over a crush? Is it time? Is it being apart? How long does it take? What if none of that is working?
     
  2. redstormrising

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    for me, it's a combination of being apart and the passage of time. i've never been able to find a way to just snap out of it, other than developing a new crush. how long is always different, depends on the person, and i just can't get over someone if i am around them all the time. unfortunately for me, i work with my current crush and thus have to see her daily. i'm changing jobs at the end of the month, but until then, i expect i am just going to have to tough it out and suffer quietly. (or not so quietly.) and even then, after i don't see her anymore, i know it's still going to take a while for me to let go.
     
  3. The way I generally deal with unwanted crushes is this:

    The number one thing is distance. As much as possible. Don't talk to the person or see them every minute because contact just makes it worse. So, even if cutting off contact completely isn't possible, distance yourself emotionally and physically from the person as best you can.

    The second thing I do is think of all the reasons why having a relationship with the person is bad. Start with the fact that they're straight and have only platonic feelings for you, but keep going. It might sound mean, but it has helped me. Maybe they have a weird habit that bothers you or maybe they are just a little too passive aggressive, etc. If you can think of an annoying/unattractive thing about them, remember it. When "But he's straight..." or "He doesn't have those feelings for me..." doesn't work to put you off, things about the person specifically might.

    Third, time. Sorry to say it, but time is really the key factor in getting over it. In the meantime, maybe put yourself out there. Get a new hobby, make some new friends, stay busy and stay positive. Things will get easier.

    Hope that helped :slight_smile:

    -Paige
     
  4. JudasKissedHIM

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    Ahw damn this is a hard one. I developed this crush on my best friend when I was 16 and eventually the crush developed into love. Love as in that "first love" that people say will never be replaced.

    So when I turned 18 I realised he's straight, I'm gay, I love him and I accepted the fact that it was a toxic situation. I ended the friendship. And now three years later I still love him the same as the day I broke up the friendship.

    So my point is don't go drastic and break up the friendship because that will never reduce the crush/love you have for him. I'll take the friendship anytime over the regret I have.

    I think it's possible to learn to accept your friend is straight and that you can change the desire you have for him to a desire of wanting to be his friend and see him happy (I’ve seen guys on here who managed to do that. They still love the guy, but they've moved on while still having him in their live).
     
  5. Filip

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    As the others said: time, distance and a conscious effort all work.

    One other thing that works for me is talking about it (or more precisely: ranting about it :wink:).
    When you're alone with your feelings, they tend to get caught in a kind of a feedback loop. You think of him, which intensifies your feelings, which causes you to think about him more etc...
    Also, when you're alone with your thoughts, it's easy to keep overanalysing. Even if you know he's straight, even if you see him kissing a girlfriend, a crushing mind can make up reasons to hope that in the right circumstances, he might just be available. Which feeds back into the above feedback loop.

    So what do you do? You allow outside perspective in. If bouncing ideas back and forth in your own mind doesn't help, bounce it back and forth with someone else. Tell a good friend a bit about the situation, about how you feel, about how you know it can never be, but you feel stuck with your feelings nonetheless.
    Obviously this friend won't be able to offer miraculous help, but sharing feelings eases them considerably, in my experience. Even if it's just commiserating and sharing some stories about unattainable crushes. In effect, you're bleeding your feelings off, instead of keeping them dammed up inside.

    You do obviously want to make sure you dose these kinds of talks (no one like someone who brings his hopeless crush up every time there's a spare moment). And it massively helps if you're out to this friend (or you'd have to be very good about playing the pronoun game). But I had some good results with it myself.
     
  6. FruityFascism

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    I fell in crush-love with my best friend my freshman year of high school as he was getting skinny and I was realizing that I don't like girls. Later when I came out to him, his one rule was 'as long as you don't have a crush on me.' I agreed. It sucked.

    I eventually realized what a horrible friend he was, and wrote a song about my unrequited love. I'm not sure if writing is your thing, but if you can just find some creative outlet to express exactly how you feel, you will feel better. The song took forever to finish because I was done with him and didn't need to write anymore.
     
  7. ezkill

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    Unfortunately, the only advice that has ever worked for me was the "get over it" line. Of course, you could also try the time and distance suggestion, but that could be a good way to also ruin your friendship -- the other individual might think that you no longer wish to be friends.

    The solution really depends on the person (you, not the person you're in love with). People find different ways to get over unrequited love. It could be finding something else to obsess over, or simply telling yourself to move on.

    This seems to be a common theme in the past few days here! I wish anyone who is struggling with this situation the best of luck. It is certainly a tough one.
     
  8. Weatherguy101

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    I'm currently in the same situation your in!
    I don't want to get over it simply because I don't know if he's straight and the signs that he puts off intentionally and unintentionally are obviously pointing to the fact that he may be gay.

    I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully I soon find out if my lover is gay or (hopefully not) straight.
     
  9. Bosco

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    ^ feeling the same way.
    And I fully understand that keeping distance is not nearly as easy to do as it seems.
    Heck, I'm halfway across the world right now on vacation but the smallest things that I come across leads to thoughts of him.
     
  10. Uniboth

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    Be very determined!!!!

    - Determined to find things to distract yourself.
    - Determined to never let yourself cave into fantasies.
    - Determined to make yourself believe that crushing on this person worth shits.
    - Determined to give yourself time (lots of it) without ever straying from your efforts.
    - Determined to tell yourself that there are better things to do than to sulk in what ifs.
    - Determined to stop hoping!
    - YOU JUST HAVE TO BE VERY DETERMINED!

    I think with a strong will anything can be accomplished, but you really DO have to believe in yourself and your determination. Good luck bud!!

    I lived in pain for 10 months (short compared to other stories I've read here) just for having placed hopes in 2 very wrong places, back-to-back. The whole '2nd crush to get over the 1st' idea is a horrible quick fix! Never fall for someone when you're vulnerable because you'll end up giving away too much of yourself. Once things stop going your way, 'things' will come crashing down and it'll be even harder to get back up. I learned that the hard way!

    I'm now terrified of falling in love. I'm pretty much traumatized. I hope it goes better for you.
     
  11. feelindown

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    how to get over the crush is like coming to terms with your sexuality and those stages:

    Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.

    1. denial: you may be in denial about this. you are denying that this is never going to go anywhere. this would include all the fantasies you have going on in your head about the possibility of this maybe just maybe working out. maybe just maybe he likes you or can like you like you like him. it sounds like you're still in this stage of the what if's.

    2. anger: from the posting it sounds like you have asked this question before and people are telling you to get over it and there's some slight frustration and anger over receivign that response. maybe anger also comes if you have ever found yourself getting mad at him when you feel like he is not responding to you as you would wish and hope he did. you may have experienced anger in the form of thinking things like, "how come I can't get the guy i want, how come he has to be straight? this is no fair!!!!"

    3. bargaining: maybe we can still just be friends. maybe if i still stay close as a friend, something will happen. this is what the bargaining stage tells you. it's still trying to hold on. this stage may also tell you things like, "well a few months ago he texted me this or that and it seemed like more than what a regular straight friend would text another guy." dont listen to it. it's not going to happen.

    4. depression: this is when you realize that its never going to happen. it's a wrap. the fantasies aren't going to come true. you may be going thru this stage now. its sad when you realize what you want isn't gonig to happen no matter how hard you wish it to happen.

    5. acceptance:you can't change the reality of what is. accept it. if you have already tried to go there and it didnt work out or you know this person is not available, then you must accept just like you accepted your orientation. it is what it is.

    the key to all of this is TIME and DISTANCE. give yourself both. i had a huge crush on a guy and it didnt work out. this went over for months and even longer than a year. hoping, thinking, wishing, bargaining, depression, anger, etc. you can't get over someone if they are still in your face constantly. the things you love about them will still be there adn you're only going to be hurt even more. if indeed you have a bromance, i'm not sure if you have come out to him or not. if you want to come out to him you can tell him that you need to spend a lttle time apart because you weren't expecting this but you started to develop feelings for him that were more than just friends and that have no reason to believe will be returned so you need to take a little time away so that nothing gets complicated/weird on your end. " who knows what could happen. if he is your friend, he will atleast respect that and let you get over things. if you dont want to come out, you can just limit some of the interactions so you can have time to heal and move on. there is no forumla on how long this will take. you are the key factor adn your ability to work through the stages and accept that it will not happen. when you finally are able to accept that it's not going to happen, you will find yourself moving along nicely. the way to accept is jsut to be real with yoruself.
     
  12. predator9089

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    Wow feelindown, thanks! I totally didn't think of applying those stages to this sort of situation but it totally works and i went through all of those with my friend :jawdrop:! Holy crap, i'm newly in acceptance...I feel relieved now that i see there was a sort of framework or progression to it.
     
    #12 predator9089, Aug 9, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2011