How in the world do you come out?? I'm facing some serious fear about this. I'm pretty much getting to that 'bursting' point, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm terrible about talking about sensitive subjects and opening myself up to people. Vulnerability is not my strong suit. Maybe I'm not ready yet? I don't know how I'll ever get more ready. Why is it so hard to admit to other people that I like girls? Why is it even so hard to type here sometimes? I've been struggling with this for over a year now (actually, for 12 years, but I've only been out of denial for a year and a half), and I can't seem to get anywhere in terms of moving my life forward now that I know I'm gay. I've been going to a therapist to try to help with all this, and I can barely even get the words out to her sometimes...I say things very indirectly. I'm not afraid of her judgment, I just can't seem to get the words out - it's a tough mental block to get around, with a lot of strange emotions attached that I can't quite describe adequately. Sometimes I find that I'm OK with it, even happy, then other times I'll take 2 steps back and cringe at the thought of being gay. Then, like others have posted, I'll worry that it's not right, that it's some strange trick that my mind is playing on me and that I'm straight but only "think" I'm gay (a completely ridiculous notion, given my life thus far). Or I worry that I'll come out, then meet a guy I like. I don't even know what I"m asking here. I guess I'm just really frustrated, and just upset that I feel like my life is going nowhere and time is just flying by with nothing to show for it. :bang: <-- this is really how I felt today. Any advice at all? How can I continue to work on myself and get myself past this wretched internalized homophobia? I like girls, there is no doubt about it. But why do certain things make me cringe? Like the thought of actually having a girlfriend and bringing her along on activities with my friends. It seems really weird to me (no offense to anyone of course. I'm just trying to deal with the crap homophobia I absorbed while growing up) and I can't see myself in that situation. I guess I have to take it one step at a time, but it's just depressing that I can't seem to move along. Not to mention the loneliness that I'm feeling now that my best friend (who I used to have a major crush on) now has a boyfriend and they are all lovey-dovey.
wow...... you know have to except your self before you feel like anyone else will. i went though some serious things fighting myself i was afraid to tell anyone i thought i would be shuned i had a gf i truly loved but hid her so long she couldnt take it so she left. then i did some pretty messed up things to my self. and i feel if i was just honest with myself and with the all the people that loved me i would have felt so much better hiding my true self from people didnt do me anygood emotionaly. but once i told the frist person then it just became easier to tell the next person and the next and eventually everyone.
While I find this to be true, I didn't really follow it myself. When I came out to my conservative parents, I wasn't really sure if I accepted myself. The only thing I knew was my feelings, and my feelings were strong enough to not be bottled up anymore. I knew what telling them would mean, and I still did it any way. To this day I don't know why, but the year of hell they put me through has made me who I am today. It was the hardest stupid-brave thing I've ever done, and I'm better for it. I think you need to tell the person you trust the most. Your best friend. Your family. Whoever it is that you can spill your heart out to, and will pick it up and put it back in your chest.
Try not to think so long term. I made that mistake for too long wondering if people would accept me, if I would be able to raise a family, if I would meet a girl someday that would make me swoon (not likely). The reality is especially about the last one, that this is more wishful thinking than it is a reality. If you are almost totally attracted to the same sex, chances are feelings you have for the opposite sex are not full romantic and physical attraction though it may have elements of it. I spent a lot of time focusing on these scenarios and then finally I realized that this was stupid. I am definitely not straight, and I was miserable trying to pretend to be all the while keeping these feelings secret. Once I finally accepted that this was who I was, it felt a great relief even if I have not come out yet. It is a relief because I no longer have to lie to myself. For the first time in years I have felt an internal calm. Again, don't think too much about the details of the future, just imagine carrying around this pent up self hatred for so long. I did for a decade and it ate my soul away. What will it do to you in 10 years or 15 if you don't accept this part of your identity?
Back when I was a kid, I used to love going to the swimming pool. They usually had a "high dive" - a diving board set up several feet over the swimming pool for people to jump or dive off of. And I'd usually screw my courage up to climb that ladder. Then came that awful time standing up there, staring down at the water. I couldn't go forward, but I couldn't go back, either. (Climb down OFF of the high dive? And face the mockery of my peers?) So I stood up there petrified, until my father would say something wise like "Just step off, and let gravity do the rest." I would, and I'd fall in the water, then surface, and wonder what the heck I'd been so scared of all that time. Time to pay it forward. Just step off, and let gravity do the rest. Lex
Beautiful words Lex, I must say. After reading that I feel encouraged to tell me best guy-friend that I'm gay. I feel like I'll be stuck in that same "one step forward, two steps back" mode until I take a leap forward. There are quite a few good pieces of advice above for those looking to take that very same leap.
I think for some people that have to have completely sorted something and have everything figured out in their mind before they tell anyone, for me this wasnt the case, I would still be trying to figure things out in my own mind if I hadnt told anyone. The problem is sometimes your own mind has no logic, and you need the help and reassurance of others in order to completely accept it yourself. You dont have to tell everyone once you have told one person it can be a gradual process. You also dont mention whether it is just coming out you have a problem talking about or just some things in general. I find it really hard to talk about emotional or sensitive things to people even my parents although we are quite close, so coming out face to face was and still is really really hard for me, if I had waited to tell everyone face to face I probably would never have done it, so whilst ideally I would have perhaps told my friends and family face to face, I settled for other methods, text, email, msn whichever you feel most comfortable using.
i think this a lot too, that i've somehow tricked myself into thinking i'm not straight. i'm not even sure if i'm bi or lesbian, just that i like girls. my immediate family and a few friends know that i have a crush on another woman right now, and i can say that specifically, but i still haven't been really able to say out loud "i like girls" or anything other than to just say that i'm not straight. and when i was at the beach the other day with my sister and some guys started flirting with us, i played along, i guess hoping that i would feel something (i didn't). i also cant quite wrap my head around having a girlfriend and going out in public together or having photos together on facebook or something . . . like i kind of want that, but i just can't see being comfortable with it right now :bang:
