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How to reach out to my brother...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Im Knot Dumm, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. Im Knot Dumm

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    I’m hoping someone might have some insight or advice on an awkward family situation…

    Those of you who have read my other posts would know that I have two older brothers, and the middle one (Dave) was the first person I really came out to. He has been the most supportive and accepting person in my life. So when I came out to my eldest brother (Brad), I was sort of shocked that his way of dealing with it was to cut me out of his life, while my parents sort of pretend that I never came out to them.

    Because of this, my parents came to blame me for all the separation in the family after Brad and Dave became hostile to one another given the way Brad chose to cut me out of his life. Eventually they made up, but I was still out of the picture. This was over a year ago, and Brad and I still don’t talk.

    So the other day Dave told me that Brad is getting married, and Brad wants Dave to be his best man.

    Not only that, but Brad has invited my best mate Ryan, while I was left off the guest list. Ryan ended up telling me that Brad made some quip about him being his baby brother: needless to say that kind of knocked me for six.

    But, and I don’t know why, but it made me really want to get in touch with Brad and see if he is just carrying this on because he is so stubborn. I don’t know how I will cope with being rejected and knowing that my own brother wants nothing to do with me.

    I guess my question is, does anyone have any idea how I can reach out to my brother? I know I want to, but I have no idea how. I’d really appreciated any advice anyone has, based on actual experiences or not.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Tough to say.

    First off, you might want to hit up both Dave and Ryan. They both are apparently still on good terms with Brad, and so might have a better bead on things. Just let them both know that you're interested in building bridges in that direction, but you don't want to bother if they think Brad won't be interested. They might be able to offer some insight, and perhaps even intercede on your behalf, although I wouldn't ask them to do that outright.

    Next, if you can get a mailing address, send him a small card. Just a congratulations card on his upcoming nuptials. Do NOT bring up any past baggage in it. Just say "Heard the good news - congratulations! - IKD" That's it. It can be a "peace offering" letting him know that you're willing to let bygones be bygones if he's at all interested.

    Lex
     
  3. thylvin

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    I agree with Lexington... you could maybe send a bottle of champagne with a card like that via your other brother and your good friend. Ask them to tell you what was Brad's reaction and that might be an indicator as to how he feels currently about the whole situation.

    if you want you can be a little devious. Wedding invitation usually is for a person and someone that person wants to bring along like a friend or a gf. Go as you best friend's friend, but that might just make the whole wedding for Brad a little uncomfortable and a fight might just break out, but i don;t think immediately. Who knows if you do this, you might speak to Brad personally and try to make up. BUT AS LEXINGTON SAID, LEAVE THE OLD STUFF ALONE... ITS BYGONES SO JUST LET IT BE.

    In our language we have a provers, "moet nie ou koeie uit die sloot uitgrawe nie"
    in plain English it says do not dig up old cows in the ditch.
     
  4. Lexington

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    >>>you could maybe send a bottle of champagne with a card like that via your other brother and your good friend.

    I don't think champagne - or any gift - is a good idea. The basic message I think you want to send is "If you're interested in getting back on speaking terms, I'm interested, too." A gift of any kind makes the overture a lot "blunter". I think it's best to stick with a card.

    >>>Wedding invitation usually is for a person and someone that person wants to bring along like a friend or a gf. Go as you best friend's friend, but that might just make the whole wedding for Brad a little uncomfortable and a fight might just break out, but i don;t think immediately. Who knows if you do this, you might speak to Brad personally and try to make up.

    This is an excellent idea...that is, if your main goal is to make his day (and the bride's day) all about you and your needs. And, presumably, if you want to add to your tally of people who aren't talking to you anymore. :slight_smile:

    Let the card be your overture. If he responds, excellent. If he doesn't, go live your kick-ass life without him.

    Lex