OK, so this is a little difficult for me to write. I need advice and it goes like this: I'm 24 and barely closeted. For 23 years I had myself convinced I was everything from a deviant, a mutant, or just good 'ole asexual, but never gay. College came, and I - like all of my friends surrounding me - dated and slept with women. Highschool had been awkward, and I oblivious to girls, but now there was something to prove. I thought that I had just been shy before, but nothing was clicking. The entire thing was turning into an act, a rehersal that, despite repeat preformances, was not improving. I was really trying to enjoy it like I *should*, but nothing was coming. I graduated, and for the first time in my life I levelled with myself,"You're trying way too hard to make this straight thing work. It could be possible that you're just gay.". I thought this would just open things up, some brush clearing of the soul perhaps. I had never fantisized about men, nothing to worry about, right? However, I hit something... and it cracked... and it began to flood. I was re-thinking every facet of my life. I would stare into the distance, which is really not all that unusual for me, but I was doing it alot. It seemed my fantasies *did* have a little bit of a homosexual element to them. It was bizarre and disguised, but it was the main attraction, and everything else from tits to hips were just sideshow props. Something had hit at an early age and I realized base urges had become codified and altered to match a forced sexuality. These were only subconscious blips of understanding, though. It was the kind of reacurring realization someone drowning has when he gasps, "oh god damn...." before going under again. There was the whole row of denial: anger, bargaining, depression, ... defeat. But then something gave way to a effortless, natural, fufilling element. technicolor had arrived and I latched on. My raising was liberal and my surroundings understanding, I had nothing to fear. Only two weeks fresh into my newly appointed gaydom I decided that I had suffered long enough, I needed to get the ball rolling. My parents were visiting on vacation and I decided I would come out in a blind dash. I wanted to kick the closet door into smithereens. I wanted to Bruce Lee that shit. It was exhilarating, but something about it was desperate. I told my parents I had to talk to both of them. They gathered. I sat down. I opened my mouth and...nothing. Sitting there, looking into their vacant, expectant gazes, I flinched. I began filling the silence with... health insurance (which I did actually need to talk to them about). I just projectile word-vomited all over the place. I hadn't thought a damn thing out. I had expected a few months to remedy something I had spent my entire life ignoring viciously. It was more than just nerves, I was really not o.k. with being gay. The next year was spent oscillating between two states of sexuality. In one, I am attracted to men in that warm, fully enveloping feeling of naturalness, in the other I just feel tight and agitated and don't pay attention to either sex. I know as soon as I exit the latter state that I've just been repressing any sort of desire. The hitch is that I'm more often off than on, and despite semi-hitting on gay men, going to a few gay bars, and attending gay events, I still can't bring myself to actually approach anyone. I've yet to have a date. Even fantasizing about men is difficult, though, when I'm not as self-concious, incredibly good. There's a pressure building in the closet, and I wants out. Which brings me to my point, I knew I'd finally get there. I'm dealing with fear, and when its absent I can fully admit to myself who and what I am, and everything is dandy. Problem is, when stress creeps in, or I go on one of my self-concious flings, I knot up and everything goes monotone. I think I have a solution: full disclosure, Seeing as I've already had a botched coming out, and my parents already suspect/know I'm gay (my mom has gone from underhand comments to nearly direct questions). Even reading back over this it strikes me as if I'm pressureing myslef to do something, but let me be clear: I'm trapped in this weird cycle that never resolves itself. I've gotten as comfortable as I can in secrecy. I want to stop hiding but I fear that I might not be fully ready to. As you can tell, I'm an anxious soul. I feel that if I get rid of the reason for my anxiety (having to constantly guard my actions, intrests, and speech) by coming out I can deal with all the good stuff of feeling everything else out. I realize this sounds complelty backwards, which is why some advice would be nice.
Welcome to EC! Sorry to hear snout your confusion, man. I can't offer much advice (still trying to figure out things myself mentally at the moment :-/ ), but I completely get the whole "on-off states" thing you were talking about. It's exactly how I am right now. Every now and then, I'm like "Screw it, what am I worried about? Guys are HOT". And then out of the blue, it just switches off. Some days I'll be thinking to myself "Nopd. Not feeling it today. Not really into anyone, guy or girl". And as soon as I'm back again, it feels great, and I start wondering what I was missing out on. I'm sure it's all tied into repression, I guess. When my fear, stress and self consciousness aren't present, I don't have a problem admitting to myself who I am. But like you said, when one creeps in, it all just goes...away... I'd love for this jumping back-and-forth cycle to end as well, just not sure I'm ready to take the next step... So...uh..yeah, not really advice but hope it helps knowing there's at least one other who completely understands what you're going through.
Welcome!!!! Man you really have a way with words. Have you actually considered writing as a hobby and hopefully a full time job.. your style will fit in beautifully in most magazines and a novel or two in that way will definitely be a very excellent read. Ok now that I got that out of the way. let met tell you what happened to me when I was in that phase, then afterwards I'll see about the advice. While in primary school in grade 4 I felt this weird kind of attraction to boys, I didn't understand it at that time. I thought mostly that it was a way to connect with guys as friends. I never really thought about dating anyone, girl or guy at that time. It wasn't important for me. even though most kids in my class bragged about this girl or boy they are dating. This kinda made me feel weird. Where did I fit into the picture? Hell even the not so good looking kids were dating and taking one another to the movies and stuff like that. But I just wasn't interested. at first this didn't bother me at all. Then in grade 7, I met this one girl in school, hell she really was the hottest girl I have ever seen, they just moved into town from the city. Here I thought, OK a new girl, hot looking, parents wants me to meet girls, all my friends are dating girls. The problem I have currently, word has been spreading around (I really hate those dreadful gossips) that I have never even kissed, dated or even hold hands with any girls at school. So it was awkward for me to approach any girl, not that I was attract, but because I thought it was the right thing to do. I approached her, sweat breaking out and I started to stutter. She smiled at me, which I saw as a silver lining in the clouds. But then she politely told me she was already taken. That just broke my heart, I went away, cried in some corner in school far, far away from prying eyes. Sure I had a few girls as friends, but I could never get myself to ask them for ideas and ways to approach girls correctly, I felt to self-conscious and I really didn't want any more rumours to start to spread that I am useless in society. Then I got to high school. I met a new friend and we started to hang out quite allot. Not that I was sexually attracted to him, but I did felt this strange attraction I didn't know what it was. Through him i met a gay guy, he was a year or two younger but he was friends with my new friend and used to come over allot. He was more the womanly type of gay guys. My new friend told me how he hated him, but since his parents are friends with that guys parents (being in a small town, everyone knew everyone) he could do much. We were kids and were naughty and (I am ashamed of actually admitting this) quite homophobic towards him. We never physically abused him, but when we played, we used to give him all the bad roles. We did how ever baked allot of "sand cakes" with little rocks in it and when we get mad at him and he mad at us, that was our weapons. My sister started to date one of his older brothers (see what I mean by small towns) and the older brother was also in the same boat as we are now, experimenting with his sexuality (he turned out to be gay too, we were actually very good friends and sadly passed away this year). Because of this womanly gay guy I never really associated myself as being gay. So I thought, why do I really need to date some one? I can just go through life without actually having any kind of sexual relationships. I met 2 guys with which we did in fact explored our sexuality, mostly buy touching and so on, we were not close friends or actually friends, and decided to keep this secret, lest we became the new gossip topic and then our parents would find out and I'll be in deep :***:. Every person is different, they come into their sexuality in different ways, times and situations. I was constantly between am I bi/gay/straight. At times when I looked at pictures of guys I really felt attracted to them. Sometimes I see a hot girl going past or in school and I felt a kind of attraction to them too. So this was like a ping-pong ball. Just when I thought I was the one way, then whoops there it goes again in turmoil and I think OK that was just some kind of phase I had to go through. just as I come to accept the new part, then whoops it goes and in turmoil I am in a different way. I battled with my sexuality for quite a number of years, and even after school it didn't help me much. (How I wish I discovered this site sooner I might have come to terms of who I am much faster). No matter how any experiences I had, It didn't help me at all. When I turned 25 I thought OK, I am definitely not straight, but I am not gay either (still all the gay guys I have met were the feminine type that I just could associate myself with). So I tend to think that I am bi, yet I still had to have an experience with a girl to know for sure. so going though this "pin-pong" roller-coaster ride in your sexuality is a normal phase. For some people it is faster than for others. you should rush yourself into anything. The only way for you to be sure is to experiment a little. It doesn't need to be a physical experience. Watch some porn, see what turns you on or not, that gives you a good indicator. I have to warn you, at first you might not like the penetration stuff. hell I even found it repulsive at first, even now i still do, but not as much as it used to be. When i met my hubby, he was the one who broke my virginity at 29. I had to have and gather allot of courage just to penetrate him. When he tried to penetrate me, it hurt like hell, I screamed and moaned until he eventually stopped. Today how ever I knew we didn't go about it the right way and I never told him then I was a virgin, he just amused I was not and never asked. only later on did he ask and i confessed. Take your time, don't rush into anything your not ready for. I know it takes time to get to terms with this, so you have to be patient.
Welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy yourself here and find some help and support on the way! :smilewave Your story does ring a bell. It's remarkably similar to how I felt just before coming out when I was 24. And my advice is actually remarkably simple: you know what to do. Now all that's left is to do it. While coming out is the end of acceptance for some, for others, including me (and I believe for you too), it can actually be the start. When you're in the closet, it's easy to withdraw whenever the door opens just a little bit. The longer you waited, the easier it is to prevaricate, and go back to thinking "If I wait just a bit longer, maybe I really will turn out to be straight (or at least asexual) all along!". Coming out to people makes your gayness definitively "real". People know. At first, things might even be a little bit odd. It will create new expectations (of openness, of being happier after you're out. Of bringing home a boyfriend). And that final leap is hard to take, when you have to tae it on faith that everything will be OK on the other side. But I can assure you that, at least in my case, it did change a lot. Only after you stop avoiding and lying do you start realising how much you miss in friendships and in dealings with family by hiding your inner self away. And there's a lot of confidence to gain from seeing how friends and family accept you. I won't lie, it doesn't miraculously gain you boyfriends. That part takes work (though from your description, you've apparently been to more gay events than I have, so you should be fine ). Not having to look over your shoulder helps in attracting the same sex, though. All that was lacking in your previous attempt was the necessary preparation. As you found out, the first times you come out, you discover mental blocks against coming out you never knew you had. What I did was two things: - First of all: practice. Preferably in a mirror. Say it out loud, a couple of times: "I'm gay". Not wispering, but in a normal tone of voice. Write it down a couple of times. If necessary, practice a little speech. -Secondly: backup plans help. I prefer letters, personally. You can write a letter, telling your parents (or friends, or siblings, or whoever you want to tell), that you're gay, that you're wanting to tell them because you value honesty, and because you're tired of it being a secret and holding you back. you can already formulate some of the questions they might have and the answers. It's a good dressed rehearsal, and if you can't force the words past your mouth, you can still throw the letter on the table so they can read what you can't say. It might not be entirely how you want to do it, but the coming-out itself os more important than the way you do it. I think above all, remember this: take the time you need, and don't hesitate to keep posting and reading here. We're always here to have your back and provide our input on any questions or problems you might have when you're going through with this!
Hey! I'm in the same kind of boat as you...I didn't try coming out yet, as I hit that snag when I try to practice out loud. It is so scary that I can barely do it. Filip, that advice is great. Thank you, since it applies to me too. I've started practicing in a mirror, but I might actually try to write out a letter like you say. I'm a bit stumped on how to say it. It just seems so abrupt when I try to practice it out loud.
