Confusion - the Not Knowing

Eventually you will just Know. I remember finding out. It was the summer before high school started. I was on a road trip with my family. We took the camper. There were always hot twenty-somethings at the camp sites. I remember being so disgusted and intrigued at the same time. I was raised in a religion that condemned homosexuality. Whenever I had a moment alone, I always thought back to those guys. I discovered my sexuality in the filthy campsite stall with spiders and bugs. After another three months of hating myself but still giving into my urges I told my best friend who was so supportive, and I came to terms with who I am. I think the only thing you can do is to think about what your feelings really are. don't over think it, but just let them steep and ask yourself what you want right now. That will usually give you the correct answer.

 

As delicate as it sounds, the thing for me was porn .

Sexuality orientation is just that: sex. Who (or what) you are and aren't sexually attracted to. Of course there are other things to it, but at its bare basics, this is what it is.

Porn is the easiest way for someone to experiment with what arouses them. The first porn I saw was straight (before I discovered I was gay. I don't know how old I was). However pretty quickly I realised the girls in it weren't really doing anything for me and all my enjoyment was coming from the guys. I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have realised my orientation if it wasn't for this.

Lots of people probably think this is a crude way of doing it, but I think that sort of attitude - where sex is something to be ashamed of - is part of the reason why it's difficult for people to discover themselves fully.


Also, you don't need to try to label yourself if it doesn't fit. You can be gay, straight, bisexual or some sort of combination of the three; only aroused with some sort of 'fetish' or niche; asexual and only into romantic relationships, and many others.

So my advice is to just go and investigate without feeling ashamed or guilty.

 

For me it is a little differant, I had always felt like something was missing, that something was not quite how it should be with me. Then near the end of 8th grade I was over at a friends house and she pushed me into her pool (we had to go out about 5 minutes after that lol),anyway one thing led to another and i ended up wearing one of her outfits and i felt more comfortable in those clothes then i did in any of my clothes and i thought that I should have been born a girl and it just kinda clicked, I started to feel better and more comfortable with myself. I was raised catholic and they preach that being a transgender is a sin against god and i decided that if god is supposed to have infinate love then he will still love me if i keep my body male or not. Well i hope that me telling you a little bit about how i found out that i am transgender and what i decided on relgion will help at least a little, and remember we on EC will always be here to help support you.(*hug*)

 

You could be asexual to some extent.

I agree with the poster who suggested porn. If that won't turn you on (as in, either straight or gay), it would be a very good indication that either you're very unhorny (is that even a word) or asexual.

From what it seems like, you are probably gay, though.

 

This was the one piece of advice I have gotten many times. Dont worry about it. I know that might not be what you wanna hear but it will all work out in the end. Just recognize these feelings and that, sure you may not be 100% straight, cuz thats a big hurrdle to over come it itself. Dont rush yourself to fit a lable, I know I havnt yet. Just take some time and do some thinking but in no means feel you have to rush to a conclusion, its only gonna stress you out. You're still you no matter what answer you reach eventually.

 

I agree with this person. You seem to be in a rush to put a label on yourself, but don't be! It's just gonna stress you out. XD Just take the time to do some self reflecting. There's no rush.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC,

Are you familiar of the 5 stages of loss?

-Denial (Im not gay, I couldnt be gay, thats impossible)
-Anger (God damn it! Why do I have to like boys, why am I such a freak!)
-Bargaining (Maybe if I watch straight porn, or convince myself I will be straight, Ill just date women and that will make it ok)
-Depression (Nothing I do makes it better, Im gay, nobody wants me, Im just a worthless faggot)
-Acceptance (Im ready to be gay, Im ready to be happy, Im ready to live my life. Yes its scary, but I want to move on and feel love)

From what it sounds like you are somewhere between bargaining and depression. If you ever need someone to talk to, or you would like a more focused opinion, feel free to contact me, and we can have a more concentrated chat.

I hope this helps in the search to find yourself,
best of wishes

 

I agree with every one else... but here is another thing you can try and it dit help me to actually come to terms with who I am.

Go somewhere... to the sea, the woods, park or any other place where you will not be disturbed and think for yourself.

Visualise for yourself who you wish to spend your life with?
Who do you prefer to cuddle with?
Who would you prefer to explore places and things with?
Who would you prefer to hold you when you feel sad?
Who do you prefer to be there when you need him/her?
Who do you ant to have fun with?
Who do you want to make love with?

I answered these questions for myself and the answer to all of these are a GUY! That's when it dawned on me that I AM GAY.

It is important when you work though these questions, close your eyes and visualise for yourself before you answer them. You can only answer GUY or GIRL. No names, no persona no nothing else yet. By keeping the answers to either the two helps you to work through them faster. Once you have answered all these questions then you can think of a name or persona.