So...just wanted to see if this is a common thing I'm going through. I'm starting to accept the strong possibiity that I'm gay. I'm attracted to guys, always have been. But the thing is, I've found myself lately trying to find an attraction to girls. When walking down the streets, if I see a hot girl, nothing generally happens "down there" and I find myself thinking "Come on! Nothing?!". Likewise if there's a girl and a guy, normally I'd tend to be checking out the guy first, so lately I've been trying to do the same with the girl, even though it goes against my gut reaction. But still, not really feeling it. Same with porn, I've been trying to see if I can find the women attractive, even though it's normally the guys who I'm attracted to. And so far it's pretty much leading me back to my initial conclusion. It feels forced. Not even sure why I'm doing it. It's not to actively prove to myself that I'm not gay (I've long accepted that' not gonna happen); I suppose it's an attempt to prove to myself that I probably am gay? By process of elimination - if I'm not attracted to the girls, must mean I'm not straight, right? I'm sure it's all tied into repression, not wanting to let go of the idea of straightdom, deep down. I sort of half wonder if my brain's just not been 'trained' to see girls that way since I've been attracted to guys for so long (even if I couldn't admit it), and that it just needs to warm up to the idea. I dunno, it's a bit hard to describe; just hoping someone can decipher my ramblngs and offer some insight/advice. Is this normal?
I completely understand what you mean. I went through the same kinda thing. I used to try to make myself look at boys, and I even tried dating a few, all in attempt to try to understand my feelings. But it only just helped me confirm that I don't like boys! XD In a nut shell, I think it's perfectly normal. What you're doing is just a part of your process of figuring out who you are. But don't dwell on it too much. You already seem to know that you're probably gay, and just know there's nothing wrong with that and nothing you do can probably change the way you feel.
I did something like this too. (except with sleeping with a lot of guys :icon_redf ) After it was over I would always be like "well, that wasnt what I was looking for..." I knew I was gay and I couldn't figure out why I was doing it. And then I realized that I wasn't ready to give up my heteronormative life. Even if you're gay and that's fine, it's hard to give up on being straight. It's so easy to be straight. Everyone is straight. (well, not everyone, but you get it, it's the majority...) Everything you see is aimed at straight people. Fitting into that society when you're gay is weird at first. Maybe that's what you're doing too? One last ditch effort to be what society is silently telling you you should be? I did it. I can't imagine it's all that uncommon.
Hi there, The short answer to your preoccupations is that yes, what you are going through is completely normal. I used to try and force myself to be sexually and emotionally attracted to females. It just doesn't work. I knew I was gay as soon as I felt aroused and interested the first time I actually checked out another guy. I thought at one point I used to be aroused by girls, when I was probably about 9 or 10... but then something happened, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I recall a defining moment when I was 10 and surfing the internet on dial-up (AOL old school!), and there was this ad banner with a shirtless and muscular guy. I printed it off and put it under my pillow. Come to think of it, I don't remember ever throwing it away. Maybe my mom found it... shit...
I remember constantly trying to find some sort of interest in girls for years. Whether it was breasts or their behinds (felt really cruel whenever I partook in both) or their face, hair or legs, or just their personality, I tried so hard. Rarely did I ever get interested, if at all and I realised then that I was gay. Now don't get me wrong, I still find myself looking at women a lot these ways and sometimes wonder what if I felt sexual attraction, but it's impossible for me now. To me, they're just like guys would be for straight guys, just other people. You can't force yourself to feel these things, no matter how hard you try.
I just posted this but I think that you would really benefit from it as well: Are you familiar with the 5 stages of loss? -Denial (Im not gay, I couldnt be gay, thats impossible) -Anger (God damn it! Why do I have to like boys, why am I such a freak!) -Bargaining (Maybe if I watch straight porn I can convince myself I am straight, Ill just date women and that will make it ok, If I check out women and then Ill be straight, maybe Im bi-sexual) -Depression (Nothing I do makes it better, Im gay, nobody wants me, Im just a worthless faggot) -Acceptance (Im ready to be gay, Im ready to be happy, Im ready to live my life. Yes its scary, but I want to move on and feel love) It sounds like you are defiantly bargaining, and Im sorry my friend, but it does not sound like you are even bi. If you are only finding arousal in men, and are at such a level of being afraid that you must force yourself to look at women, then somethings a little off. I would advise you to take some time to discover yourself, and to really focus on your sexuality. I know that may seem like what you are doing now is really focused, but I think it is and it isnt at the same time. You are very concious that you "might" be gay, but you also dont want to be gay at the same time. When you resist the person that you are, then you have no room to grow. All we can do here on EC is give you to tools to grow, but we can not help you, you must help yourself. I really hope this helps. And if you ever need someone to talk to, for any kind of focused advice, feel free to contact me, and I would also consider talking to Chip (one of the advisers) I know this is hard, and I know you dont like hearing this, but it gets better, Best of wishes.
I tried that exact same thing, but gave up pretty quickly because I would just end up watching the guys and completely ignoring the women. I mean, when you are gay, straight porn isn't quite as fun as gay porn, so what's the point? After that I just went to telling myself that I would marry a woman who knew I was gay and ok with it (maybe a lesbian?) or being single for the rest of my life. In college I finally came to accept I was gay, and then moved from acceptance to actually being happy with myself and getting a partner. Let me just reassure you though, if you are gay...it's great. Honestly. Nothing about you is going to change except for the fact that you have come to realize you are attracted to men.
I can kind of relate. The truth is, when I'm walking down the street, I notice girls more than I do guys. Like, girls faces I just see as... "cute" I guess. Where as I have a harder time really noticing a hot guy just walking down the street. However, when it comes to the actual body types, it seems that the more clothes girls take off, the less attractive they seem to me (especially below the waist lol), Whereas men are the exact opposite for me. Idk, maybe that's because I considered myself straight so much longer I taught myself to pick out attractive women but not men. Anyway, I know I'm attracted to guys, I even have a bf. I don't know whether it would be better to identify myself as gay or bi though... And I know everyone says "labels are unimportant" but it does matter to me =/
I tought I was the only one struggling with this. I mean, I came out recently to my family and to a friend, but I have found myself looking at girls and thinking "Ok, look at their boobs, they jiggle, you HAVE to be aroused by that" (When I never ever have checked out a girl just becuase I have no interest in them) because I guess there's still a part of me that is scared to face the world (and the truth) Thanks to this thread I've seen I'm not alone. And that this feeling of "gotta-force-myself-into-liking-girls" is normal and that there's no need to continue to feed it.
THIS. i still find i notice guys a lot, though i have been noticing girls a lot more since i finally admitted to myself that i like girls. and i will comment on attractive guys, almost because i feel like that's what i am supposed to do. the other day some guys were hitting on my sister and me at the beach, and i flirted back, even though i wasn't interested, because i felt like that's what i "should" do. i'd always considered myself straight right up until not even a month ago, so i guess old habits die hard? and i am with you on the labeling thing, too. i don't know if i am bi or gay, and it *does* matter to me. right now all i can say is that i'm just "not straight"
Wow...I feel like I could have written much of this. I see a beautiful girl and I can't help but stare at her sometimes, then I think "God dammit! Where's the disconnect?" It's really frustrating because it's almost like I'm subconsciously masochistic, like my brain is teasing me saying "You know that girl is beautiful, but you can't do anything about it." It makes me think that I'm just playing a trick on myself, that I'm actually bi or straight and my brother was right about it just being a curiosity gone too far. Then I start forcing myself to look at girls, to no avail of course. It's tough coming to terms with being gay, letting go of so-called "normalcy" and altering any future plans you might have. I'm doing it myself, and I can assure you you're not alone. It's very disconcerting realizing that you're not like everyone else, especially because that difference is something one might be persecuted for. If you're like me, don't expect some sort of epiphany that helps you come to terms with it suddenly. Like you said yourself, you just have to warm up to the idea, and acceptance will come over time. The best advice I can offer is to find a supportive group of people. This website is a great start, and it can only get better once you find it in real life.
Hi, As someone who came out later in life (a little older than you), I can totally relate to what you're feeling. Tyler already talked about the stages of loss (in this case, the loss of your identity as a straight person), and I concur that what you've got is probably some bargaining going on. The good news is, that means you're already pretty close to fully accepting yourself. If you haven't allowed yourself the opportunity to just say "Maybe I am gay, what would that be like?" then I'd suggest maybe spending some time watching some gay porn (if you haven't already) and/or fantasizing specifically about guys when you masturbate and see how that feels. My guess is it will be a combination of "Oh! That totally feels right" and a sense of pure terror. If so, you pretty much have your answer. Feel free to message me or any of the other advisor team if you would like to talk about this in a more private setting, but in any case, rest assured that what you're experiencing is completely normal for someone in the process of finding themselves and coming out.
Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm always amazed at how there's always at least a few people out there who seem to know how I feel. So it seems like it's not an abnormal stage to be going through, I guess. YES! This is exactly what I was trying to say in my original post. Exactly. It's frustrating - I can see they're beautiful, my brain knows it, but the body just ain't reacting. Thanks as well to Ty for the 5 stages model. It's very interesting - you're right, there's definitely some bargaining going on right now, along with a little of the anger/depression (not majorly - more just an occasional feeling of "*sigh* didn't really choose this, but not much I can do about it I guess"). But there's also a degree of the acceptance stage, or at least the start of it. If I am gay, then so be it. I'm not too phased or revolted by the idea. If anything, my reluctance and hesitation stems more from just not being 'normal' - it's be the same sort of reaction that I'd have to any situation that would leave me in a position where I was so far away from the societal norm. If that makes any sense? Chip - yep, I've checked out gay porn on many occasions. And masturbated to thoughts of guys. So I guess that should give me somewhat of an answer...
