Hi all, I posted this as part of my introduction to EC but it didn't get much attention so I'm re-posting it here in hopes of getting more responses. I recently ended a relationship of 2 years with a girl whom I truly loved. I was devoted to her both physically and emotionally and never had doubts that we were meant to be. Shortly prior to meeting her I was in the process of investigating my attraction towards guys - something I've had for most of my teenage years. Upon meeting her I mostly forgot about this, and any thoughts I did have about being gay were dismissed because I was attracted to her. Now that we are apart, I've realized that she was almost the only girl I've been attracted to my whole life. At points I have felt pressured to get a girlfriend, but have never had interest in doing so. Nor do I have the knee-jerk reactions that my male friends have when they spot girls (turning to look, making comments, etc.). If reading this has left you even a bit confused, then you know how I feel. I'm not sure what to expect now, but for some reason I can't settle on the fact that I am most likely gay. It's like I need a further sign or experience to cement it in my mind. It's all so foreign to me that I'm pretty much clueless as to what I should do. Do I try and look for a guy whose company I enjoy or a hookup? I feel as if the idea of being gay is hovering over my head, but I need something to bridge the gap so I can start to come to terms with it. I am planning to come out to a close friend soon :eusa_danc but I don't know how much it will help. I am starting college soon and would like to do so as openly gay. Any advice?
It sounds like you're on the right track to accepting your sexuality to me. But the right track doesn't mean a fast track. It's taken me years to finally accept my sexuality, and even though I'm positive that I'm gay I still have the occasional silly thought like, "what if my mind is tricking me?" the things that have helped me accept my sexuality the most have been this site and just taking everything one step at a time. Over time the fact that you're most likely gay will stop hovering over your head. Oh and if it's any help the other day, I was having one of my occasional "am I right?" days, I started a thread titled Need Help With Self Acceptance and people, as usual on this website, had really good advice. I hope this has helped!
Hey Phillip First off I'd just like to say that I'm really relating with a lot of what you've written here. Sounds a little like me when I was first coming out. I see from your orientation that you've already found the Kinsey Scale, that's definitely a big help. It sounds like you know you're pretty much toward the gay end of the spectrum, but it sometimes takes a while for that to really really sink in. Spend some time around gay people, or if that's not possible, spend some time here on EC. You don't necessarily need to look for a hookup to cement the fact that you're attracted to guys. It will come to you. You may even be working through the stages of acceptance. Telling your friend might make it real to you too. A lot of times talking about it out loud really strikes home. As for coming out in college, my advice is usually just being out in college. What I mean by that is this: When you get to school, just act like everyone already knows you're gay. Don't hide it. That way, you don't have to have intense personal conversations with people you don't know very well about your sexuality, but also everyone will take that latent information out of normal conversation. Then, if people are like "oh, you're gay?" you can just be like "yeah, pretty much". It's a great way to be out in college--it worked fantastically for me when I transferred to a new school Good luck, sounds like you're doing great!
I think Munster gave you some good advice. I think you shouldn't worry about this taking a little time. With that note, it looks like you're on a good path for coming out; the only advice I can give you for coming out to your friend is to just go ahead with it. As for being out in college (as Thedreamwatch already said), it's generally pretty easy. You don't have to wear a giant shirt that says "GAY" (you can if you want to though), but you can join GLBT clubs, and just be open about who you are when people ask. Not much of advice, but still. Glad to have you with us!
we're all tryin to figure ourselves out on here man, and ur obv. at the right place straight up i've had girlfriends and stuff but i didn't lose the thought it was always underlying that i like guys. I still have only come out to one person, but I decided I'm bi, but more towards gay (most likely because I've never done anything with a guy and it this point in my life thats what I'm lookin for now yakno? =P) but for you hey, your going to college in a few weeks and my main advice is to come out there ASAP. I didn't, and now I'm about to be a junior and trying to figure my shit out and how to get out there. People at college are accepting, its the truth, and if your going away and concerned with parents finding out THEY WONT lolol. If anything come out as bi, even if you think your gay. It won't put you in as much of a box and if your out and your feeling a girl, do your thing. College is a fresh start and a new everything with new people. I hope everything goes good keep me posted!
Thank you everyone for the wonderful responses. I am planning on *being out* in college to clarify, I have already looked up some LGBT meetings during the orientation period :eusa_danc. I'm feeling more and more excited to tell my friend and meet people who are also gay. I don't even know if I can hold it in till then :icon_bigg. MunsterMash, I'll definitely check out your thread Lex, we broke up for a few reasons but ultimately because she wasn't attracted to me physically anymore and wanted to be with other guys. We also took some time off earlier because I told her I had a few gay impulses. I have had to move past the relationship and remove her from my life at least until I feel strong enough to have her as a friend (our relationship was closer to a friendship anyway).
I Kinda Know How your Feeling , Sometimes I question My Sexuality and Tell Myself That I'm Gay While My Conscience And My Feelings Are Telling me No Your Not . Which Kinda Makes Me Scared Knowing That If I Do Turn Out Gay , I Was Just Proving Some Idiots Right and Letting Down My Friends
Phillip, your 'label' of Kinsey 5 seems quite accurate. Very few people are "completely gay" or "completely straight", and it seems like for a time you were actually quite interested in this girl. And don't take the number of people you've been interested in as truth. I've only been interested in 1 guy and 1 girl. But that's mainly because I take forever to get over people/I'm a late developer. College will give you the opportunity to be more open about your sexuality. Embrace the opportunity.
I think there has been some good advice here, but I would say it could be a couple of things, it could be that you were very, very close to this girl and loved her as a friend which then became confused with attraction, it happens, I have never been attracted to a guy but I have had male friends in the past which I could have got into a relationship with because I loved them as a friend. Im not sure thats what happened in your case, I think you were attracted to her, or at least it sounds like you were, even if you label yourself gay there can always be exceptions, I think there are only a few people who are totally and exclusivley gay, sexuality can be fluid and can change. It can be difficult to accept but speaking to lots of people here on EC will help you.
Some good advice above already. In general, hanging out with gay people, sharing stories (obviously you can get a head start by reading stories and threads from people here), and seeing if they strike a chord is a good idea. For me, that was basically the main reason I accepted that I was gay; all the time I felt like the odd one out, while a lot of stories of people on here read like the story of my life. This might mean coming out as gay, or as bi (if you don't feel comfortable with the "gay label"), or just as "questioning". Just tellling some friends you're thinking it over and knowing they are there for you can already make a big difference. As for further "signs of experience", I don't think I'd encourage hookups or randomly dating available guys. Sure, it is some kind of experience, but if it is a bad one, you inevitably end up confused whether it was a bad experience because you aren't gay or because you picked the wrong guy, or because you just aren't made for casual hookups. If there's a guy that makes your heart skip a beat, by all means, go for it, but don't rush into things randomly. What helped for me was to do some thought experiments: "let's assume I was certain, out and proud, asked that hot that I always stare at in class out, and he said yes. Where would that leave me". And then you let your fantasy run. Not necessarily sexual fantasies (though those can be pretty indicative ) For me, it was rather remarkable how easy it was to go along with that idea. With girls, my fantasy always was: "and then we'll live happily ever after". With guys, it was "oh, and then I should take him to Paris and show my favourite spots there. And we could play video games together! And I could fall asleep on his shoulder. And when we're both awake in the middle of the night we could amuse ourselves with [CENSORED ]" Not real-life experience, but it sure did help. And the best thing about it is that you can do it without risk or guilt. My final proof came from my ability to just write down "dear friends, I want to tell you I'm gay" on a piece of paper and (while I still wasn't ready to actually say it) just feeling it was the thing I wanted to tell them most. Pretty vague for proof, but for me it worked. Anyhows, that's just my 2 cents. I'd say you're doing pretty OK right now, even if it might take some time before being entirely sure.
Posting and reading these replies has helped tremendously. Being able to open this thread, read my train of thought and some of the wonderful replies has helped me make that connection to reality I was looking for. As for the girl, I think I was swept up in the initial whirlwind of emotions that come with meeting someone you instantly become best friends with and used that momentum to convince myself there was no way I could be gay. Funnily enough I have carried out the "thought experiments" Filip was talking about for many years now. They have been X-Rated until recently though, probably because I was blocking out all the nice PG-13 action :lol:
I TOTALLY know how you feel. I am having trouble accepting too! Just remember, you are NOT alone - there are loads of people out there who feel the same and want to help. Good luck.
