gf has a crush on someone else

It sounds a bit off to me...

Of course you can't stop yourself from being attracted to someone just because you're in a relationship. But unless it's an open relationship, actively trying to interact with that person is taking it too far.

It's not a double standard unless you also went and tried to get closer to the person you had a crush on, and it doesn't sound like you did.

Have you told her that you don't like what she's doing?

 

I understand how you feel. This sort of thing is tricky. I think it is okay to crush on someone but that doesnt change the fact that you are in a relationship and you should still be loyal to your partner. Acting on a crush is worse than just thinking about acting on it. I think you should tell your girlfriend that you would like them to stop being together alone until she can prove herself trustworthy enough to do so because it's not okay for her to be screwing around with another girl without you permission, that's cheating in my opinion.

My bf and I do not invite others into our relationship, that stays between us and only us, we do invite others into our bed but only under eachother's consent. If he has sex with another girl without me approving of it first, that is cheating and unacceptable.

 

Just because she said it was okay for you does not automatically make it okay for her to do. Unless you acted on it too.

I'd break up with her. She doesn't sound like she wants what you want. She'll likely end up cheating on you. So I guess either decide if you're okay with it(although she sounds like she doesn't have a purely sexual crush on her, so, she might leave you for the other girl), or dump her. I recommend not lowering your stands by allowing her to have sex with other women or actively pursue a relationship with them while she is supposed to be committed to you. I'd dump her. You'll just get hurt if you're looking for a faithful partner.

 

Well I guess it is good that she is still communicating with you and putting everything out in the open, but it is a little weird that she is pursuing a relationship with this other girl. Before you do anything, just communicate with her and tell her how her actions make you feel. Say you are happy she is communicating with you, but say it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy that she is perusing a relationship with this one girl.

 

I don't think it's possible to completely avoid crushing even when you're in a relationship. It's a great romantic ideal, sure. But at the same time, there's always going to be other awesome people in the world that you or your partner might be distracted by every once in a while.

In a way, some competition might even help in not growing complacent or to add some excitement ("sure, she has cute eyes, but can she do THIS?" )

And I believe it's better to be open about these transient crushes than to pretend they don't happen. Ideally you can laugh about it, learn something about each others preferences, and move past the crush.


You're definitely not wrong for putting some constraints on what you're comfortable with, though. Asking a total termination of all contact between them might go a bit far, but you should definitely let her know that you don't feel OK with openly flirting, spending time alone as if they're going on a date, or any behaviour that makes you feel like she's fishing in two ponds at the same time. Even if she would be OK if you did that, that doesn't mean you should accept the same thing from her.

It's best to just be open to her about this. Tell her that this situation is making you feel bad, and that you feel it's bound to adversely effect your relationship. That your idea of a relationship takes a bit more commitment.
It's important to do this in a calm moment (so no shouting matches or accusations, preferrably). Her reaction to this should tell you more on whether you can come to a situation that works for the both of you.

 

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but if you are trying to set boundaries of what you are comfortable with and she is unwilling to even consider them, that doesn't bode well for your relationship. Maybe try talking to her one more time and explaining that even though she had said she was okay with you pursuing your crush, you were not okay with it and therefore didn't do it, so you are only expecting her to do what you would expect yourself to do? You're not asking her not to have a crush, that would be a little unreasonable because she may be unable to just turn that off. But you are asking her not to act in certain ways around this crush, which is reasonable.

 

You NEED to be completely open and honest about your feelings. Tell her how you feel. You need to communicate, otherwise you'll just make things more difficult for yourself. It's not necessarily "wrong" of her... It all depends on the dynamic of your relationship. I think you two oughta have a serious chat about it, in fact. Is she poly? Does she want more than one lover in her life? If so, are you okay with this? You both need to lay everything out on the table before drama arises and someone gets hurt. Keep us up-to-date on how things go. Good luck. <3

EDIT: FYI, my girlfriend is poly, while I am monogamous in "practice". Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat or would like some advice or reassurance. I'd be happy to hear from you. Hang in there, pal.

 

Different people get jealous to different extents. And people who get jealous less easily often have trouble understanding people who get jealous easily. The important thing here is communication. Using "I"-statements, explain to your girlfriend that you feel jealous ("I feel jealous when you ___________. I would appreciate it if you ________.").

It's important here to remember that you'll probably have to compromise. Your gf likes her friend, and won't want to give her up, but she may be willing to not flirt with her, or to only spend time with her when you're around.

 

I think what you need to do is let her know exactly how you feel and tell her you're not happy with it. We cannot control who we find attractive, but we can control on whether or not we take any actions. As she is in a serious relationship with you, her attention should be on you and building your relationship stronger.