Something's been bugging me for a while so I thought I'd write about it on here. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense.. I was hoping one of you might understand/relate to what I went through as a teen. When I was 16 (I'm 22 now), my best friend decided she wanted to "teach" me how to kiss for boys. I trusted her emotionally with all of my secrets and physically with my body. We ended up kissing a lot and eventually had sex. Our physical relationship lasted for 3 or so months. We were together almost every night for these months. I fell in love with her but she felt nothing for me. I was confused about my sexuality before our physical relationship started but when we kissed and stuff I knew I was either bi-sexual or gay because I wanted to be with her so badly. I thought we had sex but she kept telling me it wasn't really sex because there weren't well... you know male-female parts involved. Sorry I'm not good at talking about sex related stuff. She had a boyfriend while we were having sex and all but she said what the two of us were doing wasn't considered cheating since we are both girls. Strangely, her boyfriend knew we were having sex and was fine with it for a while. He even wanted to watch us kiss because he thought it was "hot." My best friend liked to get me to do things that would turn her boyfriend on. Her boyfriend eventually got jealous after 3 months and made us stop. I was devastated and heart-broken because she chose him over me and she regretted everything we ever did together. She was my first kiss, and my first in general. Needless to say, I didn't take it well. I was in a deep depression for almost 3 years after we ended our friendship. We are no longer friends and this situation has really messed me up for a long time. I have never really been able to talk to anyone about how much it hurt. I don't love her anymore and I'm glad I got away from her when I did because she was a bad friend to me. However, I can't let myself trust anyone now. Sometimes I get to the point that I don't even want anyone to touch me (like a hug). I feel awkward hugging friends or getting close to anyone. I keep people at bay emotionally by joking around. I deflect a lot if anyone asks me deep questions. I also feel ashamed with what I did because she felt ashamed. I wanted my first kiss/first time to be special but she took that away from me. I sometimes feel dirty and used. Do you all have similar stories of a friend "teaching" you how to kiss, etc? Can anyone relate? What have you done to get over this kind of stuff? Am I holding onto this for too long? How can
I am sorry that this happened to you. It does sound like she was using you to experiment, probably feeling some attraction to women that she wanted to act on but did not want to fully acknowledge. Whereas for you it sounds like she was the one who helped you fully realize your same-sex attraction, and you fell for her pretty hard. It can be hard to trust again and open yourself up to someone else after you've been hurt so badly, but I hope that you will eventually find the strength to take that risk. There are people out there who are worth taking the risk for. If you're still finding that your relationships are being affected by this very painful experience so many years later, it might be worthwhile talking to a professional counselor about it. Is that an option for you?
Yeah I'm going to talk to a counselor at my college once school starts again. I went to a counselor for the past year and it took me the whole year to really open up to him. I'm hoping the new counselor will help me to open up sooner. I'm really terrible at flirting with girls and I have even worse gaydar if there is such a thing so it might be a while before I can date a girl. I'm worried that if I flirt with a girl she'll be straight and will freak out. I also would rather tell guy friends that I'm gay because they are less likely to think I like them just because of my sexuality. My counselor is going to be a girl this time so I'm a little worried about talking to her. Thanks for your support, it means a lot.
One of the things that's difficult to understand about sexual abuse is that the biggest single factor that determines whether a sexual relationship is abusive is the locus of power in the relationship. In your case, it sounds like, even if your friend was the same age you were, she had much more power in the relationship. From what you've said, I sense that perhaps you looked up to her or in some way deferred or felt dependent on her. She, in turn, betrayed your trust and misused the power dynamic to take advantage of you. Whether she was "experimenting" or not, it was wrong, and it was definitely abusive to you. So the experiences you're having, the feelings of lack of trust and inability to connect to anyone emotionally or intimately are a direct result of this abusive relationship. It's great that you're pursuing therapy. That's important, and the sooner you can open up with your therapist about the core issues (the power imbalance and the abusive nature of the relationship) the sooner you'll be able to work through the feelings and get to a more confident and secure sense of self. In the meantime, to the extent you feel comfortable, you can share more about it here if you're so inclined (or contact me or any of the other advisor team if you'd prefer talking more privately) and that will help you to open up to the feelings that have been closed down about this relationship and how it's affected you.
