Can it be your fault?

You're mixing up the whole cause and effect thing here. You behaved that way because you are gay, not vice versa. Besdies, "fault" makes it seem like there's something wrong.

 

Not at all. People are always comparing themselves to others whether they are gay or straight. The fact that you are attracted to them has nothing to do with you wanting to look like that them. You probably told yourself that the reason you were looking at images was that you wanted to look like them, when the reason you were probably looking at them was because you were attracted to them. There is no way you could have made yourself gay and it is not your fault.

 

That sounds a lot like what I went through. It seems to me that you have always been attracted to guys and that's not your fault. I remember when I first started to feel different and started to look at guys I would say to myself "I'm not gay. I just like looking at them because that's what I wished I looked like." This started around eleven or twelve for me and I didn't accept the fact that im gay until about a month and a half ago (About five years). It takes time and it's different for everybody. I think what you are describing and what I went through is kind of a process of discovering sexuality. So my answer to your question is no. I don't think that what you did "made" you gay or even contributed. It was just the natural feelings that you were born with manifesting themselves and you shouldn't feel bad for who you are. I know it's hard because just recently, I finally started to feel proud for who I am.

 

I kinda felt that way like better looking guys were what I wanted to be, but that doesn't change anything. Being gay is in your DNA (really there is research to back it up and everything) Plus you shouldn't use the word blame (or fault) being gay isn't problem. It just means your not like most other people.

 

I also thought about this when I was going through denial about being gay, and I thin feelings like this are common as people come to terms with their sexual orientation. I wondered for a while, "Was it all that gay porn that made me gay? what if I had looked at naked girls instead?" But I was clearly missing the point. After all, if you are finding men attractive to start with you are probably gay and eventually this develops more fully into something recognizable as homosexuality. Beyond this, though, much recent research points to the fact that genetic and biological factors make sexual orientation fixed from birth or at least a very early age.

 

All credible scientific research says that your sexual orientation is set in stone by the time you become attracted to people. The latest I've heard any credible study say that your orientation becomes set in stone is five years of age, and that's a conservative estimate. The more generous estimates put the age at which our sexual orientation is set for good at zero, i.e. at birth. So no, nothing you did influenced whether you are attracted to men and/or women, because you were already gay when it happened.

 

Everyone gets to this point in a number of ways. Even if you did not start comparing yourself with the better looking boy, you would have eventually ended up in this phase any how, though it might have been much later in you life.

Just the fact that you are sexually attracted to guys proofs that. If it were not so, you might have still comparing your self with other guys, but you would have been sexually attracted to girls or both.

Your doubts are absolutely normal. This is due unfortunately to the media, most blockbuster Hollywood movies, tv series, advertising and the expectations of family members, is for you to be straight, marry a woman and have kids. This is largely to blame for your doubts but other factors might also be at work here.

 

Hi there, and first of all welcome to EC.

As others have said, being gay has been proven to have little to do with the environment around you, and more to do with your own chemistry. I however believe that being gay is both a choice and a biological occurrence. For example you can be attracted to same sex, and deny the fact that you like them. Or you can be open with your sexuality, and be attracted to the same sex openly.
Truthfully, the person is gay either way, but has made the choice to be open about it. Get it?

Also, I tell people this allot because I really think it helps in the long run, but have you heard of the 5 stages of loss? In this case it would be the loss of your identity:

Are you familiar with the 5 stages of loss?
-Denial (Im not gay, I couldnt be gay, thats impossible)
-Anger (God damn it! Why do I have to like boys, why am I such a freak!)
-Bargaining (Maybe if I watch straight porn I can convince myself I am straight, Ill just date women and that will make it ok, If I check out women and then Ill be straight, maybe Im bi-sexual)
-Depression (Nothing I do makes it better, Im gay, nobody wants me, Im just a worthless faggot)
-Acceptance (Im ready to be gay, Im ready to be happy, Im ready to live my life. Yes its scary, but I want to move on and feel love)

It sounds like you are very new to the realization that you may in fact be gay. Standing from an outside perspective, I can see that it seems as if you are somewhere between denial and bargaining. For example you are talking about how you were looking at guys allot which made you gay, which is a tool of rationalization. Im sorry my friend, but it doest work that way, and even if you stare at naked women all day its not going to make you straight.

My advice would be to experiment more, perhaps using gay porn, but more preferably just using your own fantasies. If you can fantasize on your own with out a visual aid, then it will really help you to become more comfortable with the idea of being gay. It will feel both good, and terrifying at first. Also once you have explored yourself more, you should consider the possibility of telling some that you are not straight. However, that does not sound like what is best for you at this moment.

Remember that nobody here can help you; we can give you the tools, but you must help yourself. If you are willing to put the effort in, we all will be here to support you, and would defiantly love to hear back on the status of your improvements, and defiantly the status of your issues that you will face.

Good luck, and if you need someone to talk to, you may contact myself, and anyone on the EC adviser support team.

Best of wishes,

 

Side point on your whole acceptance thing - "fault" indicates a problem. No one says "The company greatly exceeded our sales quota for the month...and it's all your fault!" I don't know how much credence I can give your theory (I'm positive it didn't play into my case any), but I can say with a great deal of confidence that my sexuality is nobody's "fault".

Lex

 

I was in the same place as you not long ago. I even had a similar train of thought as far as "I'm only attracted to them because I'm jealous."

The fact is, if you were intrinsically straight, you would have had a completely different reaction to that initial envy. If you're truly gay, you would have pursued your curiosity no matter what precipitated it. My first post on here reflected a fear (more like terror) that my homosexuality was a result of my environment or decisions, but I got over it, and eventually you will too. Just give yourself some time to get used to the idea.

 

If you're gay, all this did was help you realize it sooner. It didn't change you. If you're attracted to the same sex, it's because you're gay. It's not a developed trait.

 

I actually had the exact same theory(?) for awhile, but then I thought through something; girls have been comparing themselves to each other openly around me for my entire life, always commenting how much prettier another woman was, or how they wished they could look like them. Very few of them have turned up to be attracted to them.

I think right now, you are just dealing with a little bit of that built-in denial that many of us go through when we reflect on what our mind interprets as a mistake. When we are uncomfortable with something, our mind tries to rationalize it. The main thing to realize though, is that in the event you are in fact attracted to men (considering you seem to be in the questioning phase), that there was no mistake made. You are who are.

Some people can stare at art all day and never appreciate it in the least. It's not looking that creates the interest, it's the interest that sparks the looking. When your mind starts asking questions about what you've done wrong, ask yourself the base question first: "What is wrong with what I've done?"

 

well said!

I went through the stages of convincing myself that I just wanted to be friends with the girls I liked. Then as I got older I realized they gave me butterflies.

Then I read about Homosexual OCD, which is essentially a fear of being gay that straight people have and constantly testing yourself, and I convinced myself that I had that.

Then I realized, I just am not attracted to men in the intense way that I become attracted to women.

So, I'm kind of getting on to Stage 5: Acceptance.

 

I felt feelings similar to this many years ago. It didn't help that I constantly thought about men at night to comfort me (and still do), so I tried thinking about women, yet it didn't feel right and it just made me feel uncomfortable instead. I also blamed TV in a way, due to showing gay couples and making it look alien and exciting and my initial thoughts of being gay stemed from that mystery.

Like coastgirl said, I think I tried to apply Homosexual OCD throughout a few years. I thought maybe the thoughts would go away and I'd just rapidly become straight. Never worked, as I'm just attracted to men sexually and not women.

But really, it's not anyone's fault for being gay, just like it's no one's fault for being born with a disability. There may be some environmental inspiration for your sexuality, but a lot of it does come from the genes.

 

Sexual orientation is nobody's fault.

 

I completely get what you're going though. Kind of been wondering myself the same thing myself lately.

M interest in guys initially stemmed from the whole curiosity thing about other guys when I was going through puberty. And it never really went away... But I've just wondering lately if it's just cause it was what I "got used to". Like, if I'd looked at more straight porn, more girls, maybe my brain would've been trained the "proper" way and I could avoid this whole mess. Sort of feels like I've taught it to find guys attractive.

But yeah deep down I'm coming to accept this isn't the case. Can't really help what im naturally attracted to I guess.

Hang in there, you'll figure it out eventually (me too hopefully! )