Without going into a whole lot of the backstory (cause I'm kinda emotionally spent right now), my parents are kinda sorta headed towards a divorce. The reason being predominantly that my dad is an alcoholic, and despite many efforts to help him get help after his DUI and loss of license (and consequently me driving him around for his job for a couple years) he still refuses. So pretty much, he's damn depressed and doesn't want to do anything about it (as most depressed people don't). He's also already been the the doctor a couple of times and is on some meds to help, but they seem to not be doing a whole lot. Anyway, he's unhappy with my mom, and the rest of my immediate family is pretty unhappy with his behaviour, but nobody really wants to pull the trigger. The thing is, divorce probably is the best option, because all the conflict comes from him being unhappy with everything around him, and that includes us. So it likely is better that he live somewhere else, and he has (on occasion) agreed to this. The problem is he keeps conveniently denying that he ever agreed that it would be a good idea whenever we attempt to get plans in motion to make this happen. I've been off at school for the last year, and I've only been back for 3 days, but even I knew that this was inevitably going to happen. Both my mom and my dad are kind of procrastinating I guess you could say, like I said above, nobody really wants to get this started. That's where I come in; I go back to school in a couple of weeks, and my mom ideally wants to have this happen before everyone leaves for the fall, which is fair. So what we're working on is getting him actually on board with this idea, which is easier said than done. At this rate, he'll be dragging his heels the whole way. The point of all this was that, while I have a lot of dislike from the last 6 years or so for my dad and his behaviour, he's still my dad and I still love him. He just got laid off from his job (economical reasons), which probably triggered his recent behaviour, but he already has another 6-month contract (could turn permanent) job lined up, which is good. All his denial of wanting to leave is indicative to me (unless I'm reading this wrong) that he doesn't necessarily want to go, which in turn leaves me feeling guilty since we're then "kicking him out". But, we've been over this him begging to stay and make changes and stuff thing over and over again, and nothing ever changes, so this really does need to happen. None of us can live like this anymore; everyone's at their breaking points. Sorry, I keep sidetracking; the thing is I can't get over these feelings of guilt. I mean, I know he has a job lined up and he's capable of finding his own place, but I feel like we're leaving him with nothing essentially. His behaviour has been more and more uh... excessive? lately with comparison to everything we're used to, and not in a good way. He just seems angrier lately, and I know I push it a little bit, but still. I can tell he's effectively spiraling downward, and "abandoning" him when he's going to hit rock bottom feels like the lowest of the low. Another really irrational fear of mine is that if/when he leaves, he's just going to forever be mad and make it his "life goal" or something to just wreak havoc on everyone who bailed on him; so not only our immediate family but also some of the extended family. It's a scary thought, I'm scared both for him and for everyone else. Part of this is probably that I'm so used to having to be the "parent" in a sense over the last 6 years that I'm accustomed to monitoring his behaviour. I'll kinda be giving up control of that if/when he leaves, and I'm worried for everyone's wellbeing because of it. I know that when I'm involved, while I certainly don't enjoy it, at least I can make sure things will pan out OK (OK enough anyway). Um, I guess what I'm looking for is just advice. Maybe if any of you have been through something similar and could give some insight it'd be good. I know logically that this is the best solution, but I really really don't want to be eaten by guilt afterwards, especially this is kind of a one-way deal; you can't really go back after crossing this boundary. But yeah, thanks as always guys. I was actually considering talking to a counselor in person about it (a big step for me, I don't talk with people about anything usually l, but I can't get up to the school, so you're all I've really got.
I can totally relate to your situation because I grew up in an almost identical one. My father was an alcoholic, and I was the one who was the family "savior" that always tried to help and intercede and encourage him to improve. And what I'm going to say you may not want to hear, but I think it's important: Nobody, not you, or your mom, or your dad's parents, or anyone else, can do anything to help your dad. Alcoholism is an ugly disease (and it is a disease) not only because of how it affects the person suffering from it, but because of the awful and arguably even worse effects it has on the family of the alcoholic. There is a whole segment of literature on alcoholism, the family and children and spouses of alcoholics, and this has been studied for decades. Children in families where a parent is alcoholic have a litany of problems: trust issues, intimacy issues, anger and control issues, codependency, and more. There's also a significant tendency for children of alcoholics (more commonly females than males) to marry alcoholics. Here's how this applies to you: It sounds like you're the classic "savior" in your alcoholic family constellation. Every family has one. The savior tends to be codependent, meaning s/he does everything possible to support the alcoholic, preventing him from failing. This often includes making excuses when he's drunk and can't go to work, keeping secret the alcoholic's behaviors outside the family, trying to "cure" the alcoholic by taking away his alcohol or extracting promises to quit drinking, driving him around when he loses his license, and so forth. The problem is, none of these work. They actually make the problem worse, because the alcoholic learns there are no, or few, consequences to his actions. You and the rest ofyour family are enabling him. You're driving him all around, so it's no big deal that he lost his license. You're letting him stay in spite of the fact he agreed to move, because he has no place else to go. Your family is allowing him to manipulate you by letting him "forget" that he was going to move out. And this full-family dysfunction is not only common, it is pretty much always present in alcoholic family constellations, because without these enabling behaviors, the alcoholic would not be able to continue to abuse alcohol. So the solution is that you have to let him take the consequences of his actions. He needs to find his own way to work. He needs to move out, because he cannot quit drinking, and his behavior is having a severely detrimental effect on the rest of the family. And he needs to face whatever other consequences come of his alcoholism, because that is the only way he will seek help. Maybe that means he's living under a bridge, or on a sofa in his parents' house, or in his car. Or maybe he'll figure out before it comes to that that he needs help, and will seek it out. But the truth is, you can't fix him, and everything you're doing now is simply enabling him to make his problem worse, as much as you, of course, don't want that. So, as tough as it sounds, kicking him out when he's hitting bottom is actually the best possible thing you could do for him, because it might be the trigger that gets him to seek help. And the good news is, there's a ton of great help for alcoholics, and much of it is free. AA has helped many alcoholics. Inpatient rehab is another option if the financial resources are there. Therapy is an important component, because often alcohol is a self-medication for esteem and other shame issues. And your family should go to Al-Anon, which is a group for families of alcoholics, which will help support you in making these tough decisions to stop the enabling. But none of this will do shit for him unless and until he is ready. And for most people, that only happens when the pain of staying in the current situation is greater than the fear of change. As long as you reduce the pain, by driving him around, letting him stay at your home, making excuses for him, etc., then there's no incentive to change. I hope the above doesn't sound too harsh. But I do think that if you and your family can bring yourself to let him fail, that's the best possible thing you can do if you love him and want to see him get better. As for you... I would strongly recommend therapy. And there are some excellent books that could help you as well with understanding the alcoholic family dynamic. Feel free to PM me and I'll send you the ones I'd suggest.
Thanks Chip, I appreciate that a lot. It was kinda harsh, but in the "this is something you really need to hear" sense. Well, it's started (kinda anyway), my mom made it official that they're going to get a divorce (or at least I assume separation and go from there, it wasn't exactly my conversation to sit in on). So hopefully things get rolling soon from here, starting with my dad moving out. He seems to be taking it ok so far, but I'm pretty sure that's just him repressing all that, and it's gonna surface again later. I don't really know how I'm feeling about it, I mean, I'm sad to see it happen but at the same time I realize that it's the best route for everyone... more than anything it's the sheer friction of all of us in the same house that's causing problems, and separation is a good first step to remedying that. As for him, we have already been through the whole AA thing, he continuously hits a point where he'll go for a month or so, then stop going. Tried counseling/therapy and it didn't really do much, since he doesn't talk about his feelings ever. And he refuses to go to rehab, always has and that probably won't change for a while unless someone explicitly forces him to go. So it's good to know that we tried well, it's just not really in our hands anymore. It sounds bad, but I've been going off the mentality lately that we simply can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but I guess that echoes what you were trying to tell me. I don't know about the therapy thing to be honest... I know myself well enough that for the most part, the odds of me talking with a stranger about my problems are slim and none. On the other hand, I also know myself well enough that if I don't get pressured (in some form) into talking about stuff I'll just bottle it all up, and effectively repeat what my dad's doing now. I might just start with some of my friends, since it's a little more comfortable when I know a couple who can relate to the situation (to some extent). I like to think I'm level-headed enough to know that I can take care of my own mental health, and consequently know when I'm dealing with something well, but I still have the lingering fear that I'm just going to do exactly what he's already doing (and that scares me to death). But yeah, I'm just rambling now. This is what happens when I'm emotionally drained and haven't been on the Internet for a few days, and have to regurgitate everything I was thinking... thanks again though Chip, like I said, it's much appreciated.
That's a great step. Whether or not your dad decides to get help, at least you, as a family, can start working on making your own situation better. No offense, but of course he isn't going to go because why should he? He's got a free place to stay and people enabling him, and no consequences for not going. Check out the show "Intervention" on A&E, it can be pretty eye-opening in terms of helping families see how they are enabling the addict in almost all cases, and how people can help. Yes, that's exactly what I was saying. And hopefully, letting go of the idea you can help can be an incredibly liberating feeling... if you can all work on not continuing to enable him. That's always the toughest part. And I do very strongly recommend that the whole family (minus your dad) go to some Al-Anon meetings. I think you'll find it really helpful. And talking about your problems with a stranger is exactly what you're doing now, no? Therapy isn't much different. As for your friends... they should be friends, not surrogate therapists. The relationship is very different, and the therapist's role is to help you in ways your friends cannot, simply because the "social contract" with the therapist is different; s/he doesn't have to worry about saying things that might offend you or make you feel differently about him or her. And as for the "I can take care of my own mental health" thing (which, btw, is an incredibly common attitude among children of alcoholics, particularly the savior types, it's BS. Because you've grown up with so many distorted experiences of what's normal (thanks to the alcoholic family constellation) there are all sorts of filters and misperceptions that you aren't even aware you have, and it's those blind spots that make it impossible for anyone to meaningfully help themselves. I was *incredibly* resistant to getting therapy, and it was only because a really good friend kicked my ass continually and insisted that I set an appointment and go that I went... and I pretty quickly understood just how valuable the therapeutic process was to me and my well being. I think about, and thank him, for that insistence all the time, because without it, I would be a very different person today. I'd wager that deep down, it's more about fear (and fear of loss of control) that's driving the avoidance of therapy than an "I can do it myself" mentality. And the fear's understandable. But it's also worth getting past. I think once you take the plunge, you'll have a much better understanding of why it's so valuable.
