Hello Anybody who has he foggiest idea of who I am! (Meaning... I have been off this forum for a number of months, and this is the first thread I have created in quite some time.) So, I am having a major difficulty with a boy. You see, we were both apparently closet cases throughout high school right near each other, and we both ended up coming out within months of each other, with neither of us knowing the other had. The deal is, I came out to my best friend (a girl), and a short while later, he came out to her too, with a bit of extra information... he had a crush on me, but was positive I was straight and it was killing him. So, our mutual friend... (The brat), outed me to him without giving me a heads up at all. This event filled him with a ton of hope and he entered "dream come true mode"... the problem with this dream, however, is that I AM gay, but I still am not attracted to him. Now, I talked to him and all, and told him that I could not date him, but I would definitely be his friend and help him with what I could with the coming out thing (he was going through some similar stuff I had managed to get over). He is a really nice kid and all, and I have known him for years and was fine with him as a friend, but still nothing more than that. Since that conversation, I have TRIED to talk to him as friends, only to discover every time I do he tells everyone about "how great things are going":eusa_doh:. When I back off to try to stop giving him the wrong impression, he starts telling everyone he believes I hate him and he gets really down on himself. There were periods where he drove to my house at night and drove up with the headlights off so i wouldn't know he was there only to leave later, he would text me relentlessly until I replied, and his ipod password was "ILUV(insert my name here)"... It was getting scary. I told him in the nicest ways possible that he just wasn't my type, and not to feel down on himself or anything, but it won't work. He has outed me to so many strangers as he uses me as his coming out tool (by being depressed about me and telling the story as his way of coming out) that I haven't a clue whether the people I meet already know or not!:bang: The deal is, I have had to completely cut myself off from this kid. It's too much pressure on me to try to level out his emotions. But some of our mutual friends "think it's cute" and think "he will wear me down". I've told them to quit it, but they just see two single gay kids and they keep encouraging him. :tears:I am in too deep... I was FINE with him until all this started. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't like him that way. I am so stuck right now, and I really need some input to chew on...
It sounds like this guy can't set healthy boundaries, which means you have to do it for him. He isn't capable of just being your friend, so you probably do have to cut him out of your life.
Yikes! While I don't think someone putting some effort into pursuing a crush is necessarily bad, I'd say this sounds like borderline stalking. It does sound like a rather common phenomenon among gay people new to coming out, though. Some people, after coming out, jump on the first other gay guy they meet and cling on for dear life, as the other one is (at that point) close to 100% of the gay people they know and, to their mind, the only possible source of happyness, ever. If he already crushed on you before he knew you were gay, I guess that could have only made it worse. Cutting this guy off sounds like a good start. If someone's really desperately crushing, they'll jump on even the smallest bit of attention as reason to hope (even negative attention. I've seen people seriously believing: "If he's shouting at me, at least that's reason he cares in some way! I can turn this around!"). Block and keep blocking. Any sign of attention (even negative, or even just politeness) can only give him false hope at this point. Secondly, I think you need to be even more clear with your friends about how they're enabling him here. Try to explain how they are part in ruining the situation for the both of you (in a polite way, obviously). They need to know that you're not into him, that it isn't because you are gay that you're just interested in anyone who happens to be gay and that if they want to help him, it's mean to give false hope. You might also mention that his continued efforts have made you so creeped out you're not atually willing to continue even a friendship with this guy anymore. In short, that there's no way continued pressure or giving false hope is what's making this get steadily worse. Ideally, I guess, they could urge him to actually join a GLBT group or go out and meet other people. If you're 100% of the dateable people he knows, it's hard to shake off. Meeting other gay people (some of whom might actually be into him) is hopefully something that would open his eyes. Hopefully this would also stop him from having the need to use you as a coming-out tool. Above all, don't panic. Situations like these happen motre than you'd think, but usually they do end well.
Thanks. I really haven't spoken to him in quite a few weeks, but he continues to talk to others about me and how he is so down about all of it. I understand where he is in a sense... I did at one point have a serious crush on one of my closest friends and it can be agonizing, but I still accepted that it couldn't and wouldn't work, so I got past it. What makes matters really tough is it hard to avoid him. He and I have a complete set of mutual friends... it seems like we each, in a sense, play the same role to our friends when the other isn't around. So, when I get invited places, usually 90% of the time he is there too. It would be cool if he didn't get mopey or standoffish, obviously wanting either an apology or some form of attention, or just to make me feel like dirt (Unless, of course, I talk to him, in which case I shoot straight back to square one). When it comes to our friends, I have been talking to them about it. Some of them saw it before I did (hence how I found out he was doing some of this more stalker-ish stuff) and they know that until things calm down, keep us separated. But some seriously don't get it, and they are the one that he always goes to. I think I am just going to wait out the storm on this one, but I hate feeling like such a jerk to him. Thanks for the advice, though. I mean, at least now I can see that what I've been choosing to do doesn't seem to be too greatly frowned upon...
I am so sorry that you are having to struggle in this way. It sucks sometimes when people are just not on the same page, and it ends up hurting someones feelings. You need to understand that you are not obligated to do anything in this situation. You have obviously set boundaries that he has not respected, and all it is doing is pressuring you into a relationship that you dont want. If you were to actually date him (not saying that you are, simply hypothetical) all that would happen is you would feel like you were in a relationship where you could not actually fully appreciate him, and you would end up not wanting to talk to each other when it was over. However there is time to salvage the situation as it is now. Understand this: With people like this there is no way for you to fix "their" issues. He has to realize it is not going to work, and if he is consistently pushy, the only thing to do is what you have already done: set boundaries, and cut him off if he cannot respect them. I am sorry, but there is little else you can do in this situation other than reassure your boundaries, and how you feel for him only as a friend. He must make the change, not you. I am hoping you the best
Yeah, the last thing I have wanted in all of this was to be pushed into a relationship. I have dated three girls... I am gay (closeted at the time)... my friends thought we would "be cute", and the girls had crushes on me. Each time I was suckered into it and ended up feeling terrible. In those cases, I was still trying to assure myself I was straight, so I said yes, I would date them, and when I continuously realized it wasn't working, I felt terrible. Finally, I stopped saying yes to girls and told them it couldn't work because I like boys. With this boy, it's the same thing all over again, but saying "no" does not work. What hurts most is that I can tell he is actually hurting about all of it. He is afraid of being gay, but accepts he is. He is worried about his family finding out. He has a crush that won't work out, but he keeps pursuing it. I mean, I wish I could be there for him as a friend, but instead I have become part of his problems. It's like he has some sort of bi-polar opinion about me... :goodevil: I care about him, but not that way. (And the part that drives me crazy, I really don't think he likes ME... He said his crush started when he saw my on stage in a school play :eusa_doh: ... and then he avoided me for over a year afterward, until this all started. He doesn't even really KNOW me... I have a hard enough time seeing myself as attractive and I know myself better than anybody, so how can he like me without even really getting to know me?) Ok, I know I am rambling a bit on here at this point, but that's what all of this is doing to me. I'm just so frustrated! :tears:
You cant be both terrified and totally accepting of yourself, I am sorry. He obviously does not like you, but the idea of you. As I have said, the only way to deal with someone like this is to do what you have already done. You tell them you are not interested, and then you set boundaries, which you have done with poise, and integrity. If he is not interested in you in any other way than as a boyfriend, then you need to cut him out and move on. Send him light and love every time you think of him, and then let it go. I am sorry but thats probably the best thing you can do at this point.
Well, it's a bit of a risky proposition to go coalition-building in your circle of friends, but it can be good to note which friends have "pull" over which others. That is: you might not be able to convince some of them this is a bad idea, but some of the ones that already see the problem might have more pull to win some of the hopeless romantics over. At least to the point where they urge him to do something about being stuck in the closet, rather than to focus false hope on a desperate crush. Above all: don't ever feel guilty over this hurting him.It's no fault of your own, and in the long run, sometimes we need some pain to teach us a valuable lesson. Sucks if you need to be the one to teach it, but you're really doing him a service by remaining adamant.
