Help me. I just want to be happy

This situation is not uncommon. I know your parent's will eventually warm up to the fact that you are gay but it will take some time, just like it took you a long time to come out to them. I think you should stick with the compromise and go stay with them for a couple weeks like they asked. As for your boyfriend, you two have been together 18 month, that's a long time for him to say that if you leave you will lose him, especially if it's only over a couple of weeks being gone.

Your parent's may cut off your schooling allowance but you need to ask yourself, what is more important to you, your schooling or your bf you have been with for 18 months? And always remember that if you choose your bf and your parents do cut you off, you can always go back to school in the future when you can afford it on your own.

(*hug*)

 

Go with the education...

 

For this reason, I'm inclined to advise you to stay with your bf. I know its difficult to be so much at odds with your own family, and financially it'll be difficult. But you deserve to be happy. Before I opened up about my sexuality, in my head I often sought success at education, thinking that would make me happy. But it never did. And if you're effectively having to repress who you are, you're never going to be happy.

Your parents are basically trying to blackmail you, and I find that ridiculously unfair. It sounds to me as if they're still in denial about you being gay, I'm sure they'll eventually come round, but I think you need to stick to your guns to reinforce that your homosexuality isn't going to change, and its something they'll need to get used to. They have absolutely no right in denying you happiness!! You are who you are, and part of that is you are gay, it's something they're going to have to accept eventually.

 

Welcome to EC! Even if it needs to be under stressful situations like these, I hope you'll enjoy yourself here and find some help and support! :smilewave

To be honest, it seems like a tough situation either way. It's pretty understandable that your boyfriend is afraid that if you move in with your parents, they'll try to convert you back to straightness or otherwise make it as hard as possible for you two to be together.

And, frankly... I'm guessing that's pretty much what your parents are planning to do. Their mental state is probably somewhere in between denial ("oh no, this must be some horrible mistake") and bargaining ("if we pay for him and take him in, we can sort this stuff out!")

I guess that you reneging on the deal you had with your BF is making him worry that you'll go along with your parents in the long run. Maybe that fear is a tad unreasonable, but when you're in love, any chance of separation seems like the end of the world...


As for what to do? I don't think there's an entirely stress-free solution, but what I would do would be to secure your education for now, and try to get independence as fast as possible:

- First and foremost: your parents do need to understand that even if you're living with them for a bit, they can't use that as a claim to your social life. They can't disallow you from going out to meet your boyfriend, and trying to convert you to straightness is way out of bounds. As you're 22 years old already, I don't think that's an unreasonable settlement. Be calm when explaining you're gay, and don't allow them to bully you. If they corner you, retreat from the situation and don't let things escalate.

- Try to assure your boyfriend that you're doing this solely for the backing you need while setting up a PhD (which is evidently important too. Love is grzat, but not if it stands in the way of all your other dreams). Try to set up a good arrangement of meeting each other often enough (dinner, movie, going over on a saurday...). And try to stick to that. And try to text and call occasionally in the meantime to let him know you're sticking with him.

- In the meantime: check with your university about grants you could get, support you could invoke, other services of theirs you could use. I don't know about the UK, but on mainland Europe, PhD students actually get a monthly wage, and they can get favourable rents and tarrifs for all kinds of things. If you're in the running for a PhD, I'm supposing here should be some people you could ask about it. Bottom line is that there's lifelines in case you get cut off, and it's best to locate them ASAP

- Then, appraise the situation. If your parents are insisting on being horrible about it, then too bad for them. If you have backup for funding, and you can stay at your boyfriend's place, then jump ship and don't look back. hey can call you when they've come to accept your sexuality.
If, on the other hand, it seems they're accepting and things are working out with your boyfriend, you might want to keep things as they are and see whee you go from there.

Above all: stay calm, and don't do anything drastic.


Anyhows, that's my 2 cents. Take a few deep breaths, and you'll see that there's options to get out off this situaton! (*hug*)

 

I am in same situation or will be when I come out.

It's tough not wanting to upset and lose your family, but I guess I depends on the bf.

How do you feel about him, is he the guy you can see spending your life with ? Does he make you happy and when with him everything just seems right ? I personally think he needs reassurance that you will come back to him if you really love him. It may of been a moment of what he saw as desperation he said he would leave you.

If in same situation I would be terrified my partner wasnt going to come back. Especially known how dependant on them you are. Education comes and goes but we may only get one chance at love.

 

Before you make any rash decisions, you gotta keep in mind that your parents are probably not at their "end point" with regards to accepting you as a gay person if you're only three months in. My mom barely even spoke to me for half a year after I came out, and now our relationship is closer than it ever was when I was in the closet.

^ They probably don't mean this. My parents disowned me when I came out for my "dark and forbidden lifestyle" (*eyeroll*) but they backed off quickly once they realized that my "Fine" response wasn't a bluff, and that I really was willing to turn my back on them if they didn't change their perspective.

I would seriously reconsider a relationship where ultimatums like this were being thrown around. This is just as bad as your parents threatening to cut you off. Neither side is taking your feelings into consideration.

It is very selfish of your boyfriend to force you to choose between losing him and losing your family. Just my opinion. Love comes and goes, but family is forever.

 

I agree with maverick a relationship where you have ultimatums such as these is in my opinion no relationship at all just someone treating someone else as "arm candy" as it were. and if he is willing to put you in a situation where you have to choose between him and your family what else will he be willing to make you give up? Im sorry that i cant give anything better but i wish you lots of luck and moral support (*hug*)

 

I'm really sorry that your in this situation. I would say that your boyfriend should be more understanding, especially since he also had to come out of the closet at some point. He should know how hard it is, and how high the stakes are some times. I think you should take the education, if it has to come down to choosing one or the other. If your boyfriend can't make compromises with you, especially if it is clearly beneficial to your future, then the relationship does't seem true to me.

I hope that your parents will come around, and I hope things work out with your boyfriend!