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My Ex Problem

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Indiana Juno, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. Indiana Juno

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    I need help figuring this whole thing out, but to offer advice, you may need some background. Please bear with it.

    I started seeing this guy (we'll call him Jake) during the summer of last year. We got on great and spent a lot of time together. When it was time for him to go away to school, we decided to make it official. We were officially boyfriends, even though for a few weeks it was long distance.

    After my first (and last) visit to him at school, 4 days later he calls me and says the distance is proving too much. Says that he misses me too much to continue being with me long distance. I understand that.

    A month later I get a drunken call - he says "I just want you to know that I never cheated on you despite all the opportunities to stray....[and] I love you."

    A month or 2 ago he contacts me and asks how I'm doing. We hang out and for the first few times, I was cautious - I was careful not to make a move with him since I was unsure. I was cool with being friends with him.

    The 3rd time we hang out, he gets in the car and simply plants one on me (while drunk). He tells me he's conscious of what he's doing, that he's not totally gone. We basically just made out for a few hours.

    During this, he asks me if I'd be up to start "this" again. I say let's take things slow.

    The next time we hang out, he tells me how he regrets breaking up with me, and asks me about the prospect of dating again. He says he's sorry for all the things he put me through last year. I say to him, if we do this, it's just us.

    Now, we're both on a certain dating/hookup site. I never really met anyone off there, and I've stopped going on in a "looking for guys" way since we started hanging out again.

    However, I have noticed, from time to time, that he is listed as ONLINE and "Looking". And his profile picture is of him in his underwear. While I assumed for a while that he could just be looking to make more gay friends, a friend brought something else to my attention.

    Jake put up an ad on craigslist looking to meet up with another guy. While he says he's cool with "just hanging" with the guy he meets, he also mentions that he's Versatile and he's down for "anything safe".

    I like this guy a lot. When we were together, I trusted him completely. But since the breakup and his constant flip-flopping, I lost a lot of my trust and I thought I'd recouped most of it. He apologized for all those things.

    Last couple of times we've hung out, he's been somewhat distant. Less holding hands and all that "closeness" stuff.

    But then he's on craigslist looking for guys, and constantly on a dating/hookup website. I want to confront him with it, but I feel like that's a lot to explain how I came across the info. Even if I'm honest with him, saying "a friend saw you on craigslist" definitely comes across like I'm BSing him.

    What's the best way to confront him with this? I want him to spell out what he wants, flat or at least to give him a proper "screw you". I want to say to him what I know and have him explain it, but I can't say what I know without looking like a cheating douchebag as well. Any advice?
     
  2. ezkill

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    Well, I think in this particular situation the best thing to do is to be up front with it about him. You should remain calm and matter-of-fact, and alert him to the fact that you were not actively looking for damning information about him. Let him know a friend brought it to your attention, and you wanted to get the information from him instead of from someone else. At least this way, you are doing it respectfully without shutting him out completely with no reason given. After that point, it becomes his problem if he believes you are "BS'ing" him.

    From the other information you gave me, it definitely sounds like he is cruising other guys for hookups. Though this may be the case, you should only confront him with facts, not speculation. This will pretty much cover your butt :slight_smile:.

    Lastly, it sounds like you still want to be with him, even though you have issues of trust. Again, confront him with only the facts, and make sure to give him time to explain himself and his feelings. Then, you should ask him what he really wants, and to be honest with you. After that, you should take time to explain your feelings of lost trust, etc.
     
  3. maverick

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    Sounds like he's a cruiser. What other explanation do you need?

    I wouldn't advise staying a part of this relationship unless you don't mind getting cheated on. Just my opinion though.
     
  4. DallasJordan

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    First off, I'm sorry that this guy is a douche bag. It really sucks when someone "tries" to give you their all while their 'all' is a complete crock of bull.
    I hope that you know you deserve better than to be misled by him...

    When confronting him...
    You don't need to explain anything...

    Does he know that you're on the same website as him? (That might be the reason why his status is "looking"... Maybe to get you jealous or something? You know what I mean? It's not THAT possible, but could be.)
    If he knows you have the same social website and isn't "trying to make you jealous" then he has every right to explain that. You don't need to.
    Just simply say..."If you're really serious about being with me, why are you 'looking' on (insert name).com?"

    As far as the craigslist ad goes...
    If that REALLY was him that your friend saw you have no right to explain this either. He needs to.
    If your friend was on craigslist personals for their own benefit and came across your ex, that's on your ex. Not you.

    It's best to confront this confusion.
    What if you don't and he ends up hurting you?
    Is not confronting him worth pain or disappointment?

    I suggest talking it out...especially if he ended the relationship and all of a sudden wants to get back together...
    You deserve the right to know how serious he is and whether or not he deserves your commitment.

    I hope things work out for the best, regardless of what they be.
    Take care!
     
  5. TyRawr

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    I am really sorry to hear that you are going threw this. I can imagine how much you are struggling right now to find the right decision.

    My response to all of this would be to find the information yourself. Its better to be safe than sorry right? If you can find the information you can print it out, and if does come down to a confrontation (which I dont imagine it will) than you can just say that your friend had claimed they saw him on craigslist and emailed you the links as proof.

    Understand that if you find what you are looking for, it would not be a good idea to continue this relationship. First of all it is not safe. Someone who is meeting up with people on craigslist are often not the "cleanest" of individuals if you know what I mean. Also if he is cheating on you by any means, then he obviously holds little respect for you.

    He sounds manipulative, like he is controlling your emotions. Someone like this is probably also a lier, and will probably deny anything he is confronted with even if you have the proof to back it up. You are not at fault for this, but the consequences are going to effect you both. Understand that everyone here on EC is willing to support you, and to advise you on any kind of issues you are having in the future, and we would like to hear the status of how things are going.

    Best of luck,
     
  6. Indiana Juno

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    Dallas, he doesn't know I'm on the dating site (to my knowledge). I signed onto it a few months ago and I came across his page by accident (the picture in his underwear is one he took for me so I recognized it).

    I noticed his profile in the days leading up to us talking again and kept an eye on it after that. I know he's made some friends that way in the past so I didn't think into it too much.

    As far as the craigslist ad goes - it's a bit trickier. My (straight) friend and I, when we get bored occasionally will troll craigslist seeing what hilarious desperate posts are out there (there are a few doozies). But honestly, if I heard someone say that, I might have a hard time believing them.

    He knows I don't have many gay friends, and none that would recognize him based on the shot in the ad. I happened across it, but I understand the circumstances look equally fishy on my end.
     
  7. crazyhead

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    Every one's giving pretty good advise. But from what you've said, it seems not at all impossible that his dating profile and his ad on craigslist might have been put up while you two were apart. And he just never goes on the sight and so hasn't taken them down. You still ought to talk to him. I'm just pointing out that it looks like "cheating douche-bag" isn't the only possibility.
     
  8. Indiana Juno

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    CRAZYHEAD, I'd like to believe that, but he is consistently in the "online members" section. His profile is him in his underwear and it lists that he's vers and how big his dick is. To me, when you're serious about dating someone, things like top or bottom or dick size are strictly between you and your partner. Thanks for the advice though. And I love the quote. Is it from Pirates 3 or did they steal it?
     
  9. thylvin

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    I agree with DallasJordan

    No matter how bad a relationship might end, it is always best to first speak to him about it. It is better to break off a relationship or even friendship in good terms. If not, the other parties (people) might think of revenge which can turn out very ugly and dangerous.

    If he knows you are on the same dating service web site, then tell him what you have noticed the last couple of times you were on it. Tell him about the Craigslist and that a friend of yours noticed the advert and brought it to your attention.

    You should not explain yourself, but it is always good for the sake of peace to tell him it is kinda hard not to notice the status on the web site. It wasn't you who looked at Craigslist, but a friend.

    I would advice you to rather nip this relationship as you will get hurt. The guy sounds like a player and players are always smooth talkers, making you believe in their honey dipped words of false security and comfort. Players like to have their bread buttered on both sides.

    I wish you luck though!!!!