I'll try to the best of my ability to make this thread understanding... Bare with me. When I was younger, my mother and father didn't get married. I had to wear my mom's last name legally because of this. According to my mother, my father died when I was two. And for the longest time I believed her... I mean, I have no idea what he looks like, who he was,...no recollection at all. So, it made sense, right? When I was a little older, she told me that my father had three kids with another woman before my mother. So, somewhere in the world, I had two half brothers and a half sister, on top of the two half sisters I already have. My mom was never detailed about anything. She said she was unsure or couldn't remember a lot of things. The only thing she could tell me were the names of my brothers and what she thought was my sisters name. And also that my brothers saw me when I was an infant so they would remember me. I asked her so many questions over the years...Mainly because I felt like half of who I am was/is lost. My mom, for most of my past, has put me through really horrible conditions or some sort of struggle. My grandparents raised me until I was in the 5th grade because I sort of refused to stay at my moms...For multiple reasons. One, my mother was married to my ex step father who played favorites with me and my two sisters. I was always last and punished the most.(it's pretty ridiculous when you're seven and your father[figure] won't take you to the water park with your sisters.) Anyways, I can't go into detail about what resentment I have for my mother over the past... Recently, I found my siblings online through facebook. After doing some research I actually found their mother and where she was from, and further found out about them. I sent all three of them a message asking who their father was because there might be possible relation. And of course, we share the same father. We shared only a few messages(my oldest brother and myself) until I found out some things I didn't exactly want to know. See... The lies my mother told me in the past are forgiven. I worked SO hard on doing this. They may not be forgotten, but I'm not mad at her anymore. But she did something once more... She lied about a few things. Firstly, my brothers didn't remember me because they never met me. I found that odd. Secondly, my mother lied about my fathers death. He died of cancer, yes. But not when I was 2. When I was 5 or 6. (I COULD have known him or remembered him.) Thirdly, my mother told my father she was having an abortion when she found out she was pregnant. So... Basically. My father never knew me and either did my siblings. A lot of CRAP could have been prevented in my life had they known. I had the intention that they would have remembered me when I messaged them. But now... I interrupted their life by surprising them that they have a brother they've never met before. I had so much confusion and frustration over the years, and now it's just worse. My mother won't tell me the truth. She'll do anything to make herself look perfect. And I can't ask my siblings because I doubt they would know if they didn't even know I existed. It was hard to deal with not knowing my other family. Now it's hard to respond knowing that your family thought you were an abortion. I didn't exist for 19 years. I feel so lost.
I'm sorry you've had such a crappy time of things :/ I'm sure you'll be able to make up for it with a great life now, especially if you can put everything your mum's done behind you I think it's really good of you to have forgiven her, I don't think I could ever do that. I'm afraid I don't have much advice (I can't really relate) apart from say that maybe you should talk more with your siblings on your father's side, and possibly see if you can contact their mother - she might have more information ? I hope you sort things out, it must be really frustrating not knowing what happened. *also, just remember that you are always going to be you, people don't need to know you exist/existed for that **and also again, I don't think you interrupted their life in a bad way, it's always good to be surprised with another sibling
I agree with MK139, people will be surprised if they find out of a sibling they never knew existed before. As with your mom, well I can not say much or give advice on that topic, accept this: Mother and Sons are closer in general than father's and sons. Your mother is afraid to loose you especialy of what the history is between you two. I just think it's really bad on her to keep lying to you. In the begining when you were little i guess it would be ok, to stop you from getting hurt, but as you grew up, ou deserve to know the truth! As for constructing you real family history: I can say this, yes follow MK139's advice, speak more to your half brother's and sister. Also if you can try to find out who your father's parents are and talk to them (if they still live) they might give ou a clearer and more acurate picture of you your father realy was. That way you can get to know that side of your life. I also would advice to tell your mother about the outcome of this and what ou have found out. Tell her that even though she hurt you with the lies, you will never write her off as a family member and you will still love her for being your mother. She must know that she can stop lying about things, especialy after you tell her she will not loose you because of what and who your father is and what you have found out.
sometimes life gives you a bum rush, I still have scars on my scalp and my back from when i was little, but in the end what matter is who you are now, and if you want to have a relationship with your other siblings its totally up to you, I know it sucks that your mom turned out to be some kind of pathological liar, but you can't change the past, focus on where you are now, and where you want to be, if that means getting to know your family a bit more, then more power to you, either way sorry to hear about all the lies, but moving forward will lift weight off your shoulders and could end up with new family who mean as much as the one you have now.
Thanks, guys! I keep reminding myself that nothing has changed as far as who I am and who I want to be... It's just difficult to simply forget about what happened before. I'm not sure what I want to happen between my mother and I. At the moment I only love her because I feel like I have to. A large part of me is feeling so resentful that I still don't want to see her for a while. I don't want to see her for two reasons. One, I can't believe she would lie about that. (As a child, we all think innocently. -"my mother would never/couldn't do this..."- but she did.) Two, I don't want to see her if I'm going to be angry. And I feel like I would be angry. I would love to talk to my grandparents on my father's side, but I don't think they're alive. My father would be in his 60's and I think my mom told me a long time ago that they were no longer living. But who knows! That could have been a lie too, right? As far as coping goes... I'm trying my best to respond naturally. How I truly feel not what I want to feel. If that makes sense. I want to be SO angry. But when I clear my mind, I just feel sad and really disappointed. I'm happy about who I am through my experiences. Wish I had more though. Thanks once again, Toneth, Thylvin, and mk139
No props DallasJordan, Just take it one day at a time. but when you feel to get angry, then all you have to do is take something you can punch, or draw a few pictures (it can be squabbles or stick men or anything) tear it up and throw it away, you can even burn it. You can even try to go to the bathroom, run a few taps and scream all you can. If it is difficult to do it alone, go out to a place where there is no one and scream there. it also usually helps to get rid of those pent up emotions.
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. Your mother probably had a reason (however obscure)to lie in the way she did. Humans just don't do things without a reason. Maybe she was in denial that her partner left her; maybe she felt that your situation was too volatile for you to understand as a young child, and she wanted to protect you from it; maybe, maybe, maybe... only you will be able to figure out the real answer. It's not much of an answer, but hopefully understanding why your mother lied will help you to move on. It may be helpful to see a therapist - either alone or with your mother, but I'm glad you have reached out through this website - please come back if you ever need help again.
I understand that she had a reason... I'd sure hope so. But the reason better be good enough to let it be worth fucking too many moments of my life. Even if she was trying to protect me as a young child, I've asked her questions a few years ago and she still decided to hide/lie. I feel like I just need to move on from my mother. Not her lies. You know what I mean? I think my mom needs to see a therapist badly. As far as wanting to go to one with her? She's had her chances. I'm still not getting over the anger part. As you can probably tell Thank you for the advice though, I really appreciate it. If I don't feel like I want to punch my mother in the face(jk)... I might consider group therapy. I think we would both do better on our own though.
Looking just through your first post, your mother comes across as somebody who will tell anybody anything - either for a good reason, or perhaps for no good reason at all. Given this, if she's your only source of facts for anything, chances are those facts aren't all that factual. In addition, you moved out of her house as a child and were (partially) raised by grandparents. >>>I had so much confusion and frustration over the years, and now it's just worse. My mother won't tell me the truth. Why are you going to your mother for the truth? She's shown you time and again that she won't give you the truth, unless perhaps once faced with a load of undeniable evidence. And at that point, you don't need her to give you the truth, do you? My point being - stop going to your mother for this information, even for verification. She proved herself not to be trusted. Cut her free. Go live your own life, damnit. Lex
Thank you, Lex! Point taken That's my goal as of this moment...-living my own life regardless of what gets thrown at my face. Thanks, again!
