I am a male in his early 20s and have struggled with my sexuality since my teen years and into college. I finally decided to just say I was bi and get on with trying to be a happy, healthy person. But I'm not so sure anymore. I've always been attracted to both males and females but in different ways. With guys, I general have a greater sexual response and even think about them more during masturbation but those feelings are generally gone afterwards. With females I am more romantically attracted. Girls turn me on but I don't have quite the same reaction sexually as I do males. I have had relationships with both guys and girls and hands-down my most intense and meaningful relationships have been with girls. Guys just don't turn me on romantically. I just don't know what to think. Any words of advice?
It's perfectly fine to be sexually attracted to one gender without being romantically attracted, and vice versa. You don't have to try to find a label for yourself, however if you want to I would suggest separating sexual and romantic attraction. You seem to be hetero-romantic, and bisexual with a preference for guys. I suggest that you tell any of your present and future partners (both sexual and romantic) what you're interested in, just so they won't expect anything that you don't want. Also welcome to EC!
There are quite a few people who's sexual and romantic orientations don't match up perfectly. For example, I'm about a Kinsey 5 sexually, but romantically I'm closer to a 2 or 3. That said, a lot of gay men find the idea of a romantic relationship with another man weird not because they can't form romantic attachments to other men, but because our culture teaches us that women are emotionally soft, receptive, and loving, and men aren't. So they have difficulty imagining themselves with a woman not because they can't fall in love with another man, it hasn't happened yet and is a lot harder to imagine than falling in love with a woman.
Thanks for the responses! Yeah, I've kind of felt that my romantic desires and sexual desires don't really match up well. It just gets kind of frustrating because I feel like the only reason I'm in the middle of the Kinsey scale is because I'm pulled in two different directions. And I understand what Liam is saying about the whole culturalization issue. It's entirely possible. But looking back on my last relationship with a guy verses last relationship with a girl, they just weren't the same. Putting it into psych terms, I definitely had more intimacy with the girl. With the guy, there was a bit more passion but I felt I was only interested in the sexual component; I didn't feel in love or very intimate with him. I know this is corny but the only other way I can describe it is that when I hold a girl it feels right, but with a guy... it's like shaking hands with one of my straight friends. Granted that may just go back to the whole culture thing.
Well I for one don't. I have many romantically fantasies about guys... when I was very young it was different however.
Go with the flow and don't worry too much about the labels. I am romantically/physically attracted to girls and sometimes physically attracted to guys so I can see how it can be confusing. A lot of people aren't completely gay/straight and it's okay to be attracted to both guys and girls in different ways.
Maybe for you it's more about the person. Date and be sexual with whomever you feel inclined to do either or both with. Someone just might come along that possesses the qualities that you feel both emotionally and sexually attracted to. Just keep exploring and your strongest feelings and truest self will surface in the process.
Thanks again for the replies! They do help Guess I just have to keep looking and see what feels right. And I'm trying not to worry about labeling myself. It's just human nature.
sounds like you like both. maybe you are physically turned on by guys but not emotionally. maybe you would like to be emotionally turned on with guys but haven't had the experience yet. so the best advice is just to pursue the side that you feel is more fulfilling long term.
I used to be in the same boat, albeit having had very little experience dating both genders. I found myself romantically attracted to girls which in turn created a sort of forced sexual attraction to them. My thought process was that since I could envision myself being in a relationship with a girl, I also had to fulfill the sexual part of that relationship. Unfortunately, I eventually convinced myself that I WAS in fact sexually attracted to girls and would find myself looking at straight porn, "admiring" girls on the street , and repressing any homosexual feelings I had. I've since realized that I was only wronging myself in doing that. Now, I find myself inadvertently daydreaming about meeting a wonderful boy whom I can kiss and hold hands with. It's all a matter of not closing doors just cause things don't feel perfect! Just let your feelings exist, no need to explain or classify them. One day, you'll hit yourself over the head (lightly please:icon_bigg) and exclaim "Why haven't I thought of it like this before?"
I don't know if I can say it enough, but Thanks! I do appreciate the replies. After tonight, I just figured I would do an update. I decided I was just going be okay with myself and be open to whatever I feel and experiment with dating both guys and girls. Then I was at a friend's party today, and we're all having a good time. Then another friend shows up with his wife. To cut to the chase, even knowing she was my friend's wife, I was really attracted to and turned on by her. Later I got home and was chatting online with a guy I met and we seem to be hitting it off. And I'm attracted to him. Long story short, I just have a really hard time handling the fact that I have emotions for both sexes. I don't understand how I can be true to anyone one person: girl, boy, or myself. I feel like no matter who I am with I will end up betraying them by lust while also betraying part of myself (if that makes any sense) ... And I understand that I'm probably just stressing out way too much about this, but unfortunately my life in general is just really stressful right now. Any words of wisdom?
