how do you know?

Hi and welcome to EC. This is a great site to help you figure things out. Many people on EC have been through the same questioning process at some point.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that may help:

1. When you see a hot couple walking towards you, do you look at the guy or the girl first?

2. At the beach or a pool, do you find yourself looking at the guys more than the girls?

3. When you masturbate, do you think about guys or girls?

4. If you look at porn, do you look for gay or straight porn?

5. Even if it is straight porn, are you focusing more on the guy than the girl?

6. Have you tried to have relationships with girls but just felt that there was something missing?

7. When your friends are looking at hot girls, do you feel little real interest in them?

8. Do you feel little or no interest in actually trying to get a girlfriend?

 

I'm trying to think of other scenarios to posit, but s5m1 covered pretty much every question I can think of!

The truth of the matter is that only you can know who you are. The questions which have been posted will help you start that discovery process, but there is no test which can fully indicate your sexuality. For me personally, I realized my sexuality was truly real when I recognized that I was trying extremely hard to not accept it by asking a girl who I has virtually nothing in common with out. To continue avoiding the acceptance would have hurt me and someone I cared about, so I chose to recognize my sexuality for what it is.

I know you'll find a trigger, whether it's from these questions or from real life experience, and when you do, you'll either know or have a huge hint towards your sexuality. Cheers, and good luck!

 

Hi and welcome to EC, this is a safe place to explore, and to grow with others, and we hope that you stay.

Now forgive me, but I am going to be honest with you.

Fantasies are real, and as much as you deny them it will not change the fact that you are attracted to the same sex.
What you fantize about is your desire. If you desire to be with the same sex then you are "not straight". There are 5 stages to loss that people go threw,and in your situation, you have lost the structure of your identity.

These stages are: denial/isolation (Im straight, theres no way I could be gay, these are just perverted fantasies), anger (how could I be a fag! how could this happen to me!), bargaining (maybe if I look at women more it will make me straight, maybe if I try and focus I will stop thinking of the same sex), depression (nothing I do works, Im helpless, Im a worthless fag that nobody will appreciate), and acceptance (I am ok with being who I am, I am ready to be happy, I am ready to move on in my life).

From the way things appear, it looks like you are in denial. Its great that you have joined EC, and are at least willing to explore the possibility that you are not straight, but there is so much more than that. You need to really work on yourself. And remember, nobody here can help you. They can give you the tools, but you must help yourself. We will be supporting, and accepting, but nobody can fix your problems for you.

I am sorry for the harshness of my honesty, but I feel like it is best for you to hear it the way it is. If you need to talk, do not hesitate to contact on of the advisiors, or even myself.

There is hope, you are not alone, and it will get better.

 

s5m1 gave you a pretty good list of things to think about, so I won't try to add to it. When I was thinking about my own sexuality, I spent a lot of time thinking about a few of the things that s5m1 wrote. But even though they all pointed to me being gay, on some days I just wasn't willing to accept what all the evidence pointed to. For me, a big, clear, very concrete sign was how I felt when a girl kissed me. I felt panic. Lovely girl, a good friend, but when she kissed me I felt terrible, panicky, like I had to escape. That was an unmistakable sign. It didn't guarantee I was gay, but it made it perfectly clear that my lack of feelings for women wasn't just theoretical.

So, after that anecdote, my advice for you would be that 'knowing' is a difficult one, because sometimes we spend so much time thinking about sexuality that it all gets very theoretical, and then it can seem like being gay, or bi, or whatever, is just 'some idea I had', or 'some fantasy I had', and not real.
I won't tell you that all of the fantasies you've had ARE real, or that you have to pay attention to all of them, but if you keep fantasising similar things, about similar people, I'd say that's a good sign that its real as well as a fantasy.

I hope that's useful! And please do keep visiting EC: read other people's posts about coming out, etc, because I did that, and I read lots of stories which made me think "Me too!" And that really helps.

 

I'm not sure how exactly you will know. I agree with Raeil that it's something only you can know in your heart. I questioned my sexuality too and took lots of quizzes. None of them really helped and I had to give myself time and be patience before I could figure it out. For me knowing for sure I am gay wasn't about fantasies or sexual thoughts but more about who I fell in love with. It's really something only you can know and remember that we are here for you while/after you go through this.

 

From a bi perspective, you're just as excited about the notions of having a boyfriend as you are the notions of having a girlfriend. Your heart skips a beat for both. You find yourself checking out a guy and thinking they same thing a gay guy or girl would. Funny, but - you alternate while masturbating or just go for both sexes in your mind at all times lol.

 

I looked back through my life and realized that I liked both guys and girls. It took me longer to accept the fact that I was bisexual rather then realizing it.

 

Ty Rawr, your words are very wise indeed. This may not be true for everyone, but accepting that you are gay probably could be perceived as a loss to many. I have never thought about it this way, but it makes such sense. It is the loss of everything that our society has conditioned us to believe we should have or be (masculinity, virility, a life-long mate, children and family, etc.)

Of course it is an illusion that a gay man cannot be masculine, virile and have a happy family life. Being gay is not ACTUALLY a loss at all, because there is so much to be gained from accepting and being your true self. But this is what so many of us have been taught from an early age and the deprogramming of this thinking takes real time and effort.

My question to you, or anyone else is this: Since it is only a perceived loss and not a real one, is it healthy to engage in the stages of loss regarding sexual orientation?