So a couple of months ago, I decided to try a random hookup to finally prove to myself whether I was actually gay or not. It was the first time I had ever had anyone so much as look at me with my clothes off, let alone, well, I leave it at that. Needless to say, the whole experience didn't particularly settle anything in my mind that night. I've since accepted that I am gay, not based on that experience, as it was particularly awful when all things were said and done. I've decided that I'm not getting physical with anyone again unless it's within the context of a relationship and actual intimacy is involved. So I did everything I could to get this guy out of my mind. And it worked, I was so determined to forget the whole thing that I couldn't remember what he looked like or what his name was and kind of left it at that. Then he runs into me last night when I'm doing some volunteer work at my town's gay and lesbian film festival. He was with the LGBT folks from my church. Of course he walks up and says hello, and unfortunately, remembers my name. I just feel stupid for the whole thing and regret it sooo much. And now, I'll probably see him every Sunday at church and have no desire or real capability of being social. Part of me also feels really mad at him for all of it, in that I feel taken advantage of to some degree, like I had been a virgin for 27 years and just tossed that away with this guy who probably has people over all the time. He's about 10 years older than me. I tried talking a bit with him throughout all of it, telling him it was my first time and all, and he just wanted to get in my pants and for us to get to business. So much regret and stupidity on my part - I wish I had just backed out and walked away- I was thinking it the whole time- I just didn't feel like myself. To make it worse, I think he was at church with someone (possibly a partner), who I'm hoping he wasn't with when we hooked up. But based on how quickly he got out of the service today, I'm thinking that's not the case. I never wanted to get involved with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to him about it or anything else, and I definitely am not interested in doing anything with him again. I just don't see us being friends. I was hoping I'd never see him again, that I'd learned my lesson and get on with it. Now part of me feels like I'll just be known as the :***: that gave him a good time and if he tells anyone in the small circle of LGBT members of our church that I'm trying to connect with, I'd pretty much be devastated. Any thoughts? This is why one shouldn't make stupid decisions. Ugh... Hear me in saying that I am not ashamed of being gay. I am ashamed of what I've done - not because of what it was, but because of what it wasn't. Thanks for listening.
i unfortunately did the same thing with this guy that was twice my age, and i felt exactly the same. horrible. i regretted every bit. i wish i wouldn't have done it. but i did. and all i could do is forget about it. and i tried, and this guy kept trying to hook up again sending me emails but i denied. i tried to forget about it but its still in the back of my mind...what im getting at is that what is done is done. You cant go back and change it. It was a mistake and all you got to do is learn from it. I know how you feel. After that happened i saw him at the movies. i was with my friends. he tried to say hi but i completely ignored him. this isnt as bad as seeing him everyday though. You did what you did. so now all you got to do is just put it behind. Walk with your head held high showing him you are better than him and you wont make that mistake again... i dont know if this helps at all. but its just my 2 cents.
I been through a similar situation but mine is in cyber. nothing physical yet. What is done is done. We can't prevent what we can't predict, all those is just an assumption. Don't worry.
These things happen. You did nothing wrong and it was not a "stupid decision". We are human and like it or not we want sex the same way that we want food. It is not a choice. If you are worried that he will out you, it seems like that won't happen because from what you say, he was as willing to ignore what happened as you were, whatever his reasons are. If you feel guilty that you were intimate with someone else's boyfriend/partner, just remember that he made that choice and you had no way of knowing anything about it. You had an adult experience that you can learn from and should not be ashamed of. That being said, I realize that it is much easier for all of us to give you this advice than it is to actually put it into action. If you do feel guilty or ashamed, try to work through it, but make sure not to beat yourself up for feeling that way either Take care, bud!
Thanks guys/ We'll see how it goes. It's just not what I expected or wanted out of all this time waiting. As for being outed, I don't think that's an issue at church (or anywhere else at this point). it's just frustrating. Everything about being gay and accepting, claiming, and living it out is just incredibly new and I feel like I'm out in the middle of the ocean, trying to figure out which was is up or down, north or south. I just have this pull to "catch up" but want to do it on my terms and my time. I guess this was just one circumstance I could have lived without. I'll get there I guess.
