Hey, It's my first post here, and I just want to ask for advice. I'm a recently, shall we say, "activated homosexual - but it's complicated. It's like, I got drunk one night, hooked up with a guy - got drunk another night, hooked up with a guy. Then I went out alone and sober, and hooked up with a guy. I like it. A lot. It feels natural, fulfilling. But when I went to England on a study abroad trip, I ended up getting together with a girl. I don't know really know if it was just me regressing under duress of acting straight again (I'm really, really afraid of being outed to my parents -conservative military types) or if I'm just bi. But I get increasingly antsy around this girl - it's like, she will flirt with me, and I get annoyed that she's flirting with me. I think I'm gay, I just don't really know how to come to terms with it in conjunction with my persona. I'm attracted to men, but the person my friends know is pretty much a party guy who hooks up with random chicks - it's like I'm just acting now. I'm afraid - I don't really want to hide, but I don't know how to reconcile my personality with my emotions. I've tried so hard, all my life to be "normal" and "average" will my coming out change all of that?
Hi and wecome to ec You have found a great place to get advice and support if you stick around. After reading your post i would say you sound more gay than bi, but may be willing to hook up with a chick to avoid blowing your "straight" cover.I also sence that you are begining to get little urges to tell someone you think you are gay,these are quite normal feelings to get as you become more comfortable with yourself and accept yourself as being gay. As far as coming out goes,it pays to gauge peoples reaction to gay related things and other gay people,that way you can soon work out who would be the most accepting and choose one of these.By choosing accepting people first you soon get a good support network and gain confidence while telling them which all helps if you happen(rarely)to get a not so good response from someone later on.I always find that if you keep it simple and dont make a big deal when telling someone,they tend to be the same and dont turn it into a drama. Only you know your parents and will have to work out the best approach to telling them in the future,but dont give up hope.By the time you have come out to a few friends your confidence will have grown and you may see things a little clearer.If you read a few coming out threads on here it may surprise you how parents can become accepting when it is there own child that turns out being gay.When telling them,again keep it simple,keep calm and confient and avoid it geeting into a shouting match.If you think it may help,try printing some usefull information for parents of gays from the internet,if nothing else it may help them to understand that YOU have NOT chosen this path for yourself. As far as coming out changing you being "normal or average",you have to think that your sexuality is only a very small part of who you are,and you already are who you are,so by letting people know you are gay shouldnt make you any less normal than you are now.Most people,plain and simply just wont care whether your into men,women or both. Good luck and keep us updated.After all there are plenty of people here who will probably be able to offer far better advice than i can.
csm123 gave you pretty much good advice. I'll add this though.. By the sound of it your gay. you say it "feels" right to be with a guy, but you didn't say how you felt when you were with the girl. Think about that.
Hah, thanks guys. It's just been really difficult, I've spent a lot of time working to build up a wall. The last time I dated anybody was in high school - I think that really slowed down the whole, development of homosexual consciousness because I limited myself after that to only "no-strings-attached" sort of stuff. I mean, I'm a little scared to have the same commitment issues with guys and be completely left out in the cold and not know how to be in love, but I feel like that won't happen. Every time I would end up with a girl, I would lose interest. Even if I felt like I really liked her beforehand, a month in things just wouldn't feel right. it took me almost a month of dating this girl to do anything more than hold her hand. My actual first kiss was one of those peer pressure kisses back in middle school, and even though, for a while at least, I found the idea of being with a woman attractive, I just think it was me being afraid to be different. I've come out as "bi" to a few close friends, and a couple of complete strangers in my study abroad program, I'm just scared of being "new" to something. I know that I've always "felt" this way, when I was six I made an argument to my father that we're all "homo"sapiens, so why do people call each other homos? When I was 8 I wondered why guys couldn't hold hands the way boys and girls can, and why girls can. I just didn't understand anything wrong with it. The college I go to doesn't even have a GSA, because it's a Catholic school, and despite the moderate gay population, they don't openly support homosexual "activist" groups. I just have created this other alter-ego self, that my gay friends know, that my straight friends know. And I can't just knock it all down. I've spent my whole life trying to normalize the fact that I am different. And just when I start to really believe I could be normal, in the sense that I wouldn't have to justify parts of my life to anyone, I decide to come to terms with my sexuality. I realize that I shouldn't matter what other people think, but I don't know if I'm ready to throw myself into a life of being ridiculed and marginalized. But then I get curious and watch a gay romantic movie, and I finally get why people watch movies like "The Notebook" that feeling of elation when things work out for a couple you're rooting for and can relate to. When you understand the pain of a character. I'm just scared to be gay. I'm not denying it, I'm not angry at it, I'm just scared of it. Not because of what it means to me, but because of what it means to everyone around me. It means that people are going to question my pursuit of happiness, my journey towards the American dream. It will make getting into my projected career harder. Is this what it means to be gay? To look up at the world and say, "that looks scary?"
