Touch/intimacy/sex

10super4... welcome and this is just the right place for you.

as for the touching fear/revulsion, you say it's getting better, exactly how is it getting better and how did you achieve this. This is something you should explore more as it might be the key for you to get over this.

As for the sexual encounter, well, everyone feels like that on their first time. They feel it is centred around themselves instead of both partners. It is ok when you come into such encounter to ask the person if you can touch them. That is the whole idea of real sex. You see it's human nature to touch and feel, even your own body. Why do you think there are messages? The part where someone else touches you (not necessarily in a sexual way) is a comforting and healing experience. If you have ever heard of quantum touch, then you know exactly what is the effects on your body when someone touches you.

you see having an intimate moment, doesn't not just revolve around the sex, it involves touching, feeling looking, it involves all 5 senses. When you had your first encounter, did your partner also touched you, feel you? It's perfectly normal, and having more of these encounters will also help your problem of touch fear/revulsion. As you gain more experience, you will see that the attention will focus more on your partner rather than you, it is your partner's work to focus his attention on you. You see sex is a communion of two, so it works like a conversation. A real conversation can only exist if all the parties take an equal participation in the conversation.

I hope this helps you in a way!

 

Hey 10, I just wanted to say that as a transgendered person, while I don't know what you went through, I know how uncomfortable it is to be touched by others because I personally do not agree with my body. My only suggestion is to find a relationship of someone you really and truly love.

My best friend became my girlfriend and I was utterly freaked out with the concept of even dating at first. We haven't gone as far as sex yet but we're both okay with taking things slowly and she's willing to wait for me as well as I her.

The biggest thing is to talk it out. Be willing to stop and take a couple steps back in the relationship if you need to because with someone who really cares about /you/ it's more important to them that you are happy with where you are. This will also make your relationship stronger between you two and, as cheesy as it sounds, bring you closer. Even if you are afraid of what they might think sometimes you need to take a deep breath and spit out whatever is bothering you.

It was to hard telling my girlfriend that we had to go back to being friends when we first started dating because I couldn't handle jumping into a relationship but I had to because I knew that otherwise it would just hurt her even more when I pushed her away. Over a year later though we're both still together (even if she is in Ireland for the week T-T ).

I just wanted to share my two cents here. Good luck with everything.

 

I can very much understand how you're feeling. I was sexually abused at a young age and spent most of my life hating being touched in any way. Even nowadays there are very few people who I'm actually okay with being close to.

There's nothing wrong with this. If you need to take things slow like this then don't be afraid to speak up and tell them that's what you want. Do what makes you comfortable.I did the same thing to my boyfriend. It can actually be a lot of fun.

I think everyone has this fear to a point. It's okay to be afraid, just don't let that fear keep you down. You never know, you might find someone who loves you for you. Baggage and all.:icon_wink

 

since has gotten better it can get better still. You'll need an understand BF, which u'd wanted anyway so this is a good filter for the assholes out there.
You can try on top of the clothes stuff and work your way to no clothes stuff (you don't need to be naked to get off) BJ through the pants zipper canbe kinda hot.

Once YOU'RE comfortable you slowly to some no clothes stuff, you start small like no shirt, but still have pants or vic versa.

 

That does sound rather similar to how I feel about touching. When I'm at risk of being touched in any way other than a handshake/quick peck on the cheek at family functions, I'll usually freeze like a statue and mentally phase out. I wouldn't call that an anxiety attack, but I'm told my distaste for touching is almost palpable. So far, I managed to get through life with precisely two hugs, of which only one was somewhat tolerable (mainly because I was at least forewarned).

I wasn't abused or mistreated at all, so I guess that in my case it's just an inborn tendency, combined with my parents never being touchy-feely either. Well, that and the constant pervasive fear of my own sexuality until I was about 24.

It can be tough, living like that among people who hold to this odd notion that touching people is a proper way to interact


I don't think you should worry at all, though.

Firstly, the issue of experience is not something only you have. Everyone is born without experience and it's more likely than not that, even if your first boyfriend has had other boyfriends in the past, he'll remember how it was for him to be entirely new to relationships. I'm even told a lot of people find that it adds to the cuteness and affection, rather than detract from it.

Secondly: even those with experience in relationships have to start over every time. Applying things one knows from a previous boyfriend to a new boyfriend doesn't work all that well. So no matter where you both come from, you start on the same footing.

Thirdly: Telling each other what you like and what you don't (and if necessary working on going slow or trying out new stuff) is a pretty good plan for any relationship. Maybe you'll go slower than the average, but why would you care about the average? If you're with a guy that loves you back, you should just focus on enjoying the ride, instead of rushing to the end. Who knows? Maybe he'll find the physical examination route pretty fun himself. To continue on the travel metaphor: we all have baggage, and we all think ours is the heaviest. The other guy will have some issues of his own, and you can work on that at the same time.


And finally: don't draw too many conclusions from a hook-up. Hookups are basically a more involved form of masturbation. You're both there to get off and litltle else, and are just using another person instead of your own hands. So it's pretty logical that you focused on yourself. However, when you have more time than an evening, and are spending it with someone with whom you hold mutual chemistry, it's pretty likely you'll have no similar problems.

 

Quantum touch is based on Quantum physics. It's a science field that explains the process of when two similar type of objects that have different vibration frequencies are put together that they will sync with one another to eventually match their vibration frequencies to be exactly the same.

For example, take two grandfather clocks and put them next to one another, or back to back with a wall in between. The pendants can be out of sync when you place them, given a few hours or days, you will notice that the pendants swing have synced. This works with plants, insects, animals, people and even in animate objects.

What basically happens is an object with a higher vibration frequency will force the other object with a lower vibration frequency to match and also visa versa. In the end the two object's vibration frequencies will either meet in the middle or closer to the faster one.

All objects have vibration frequencies, even the smallest object which is an atom. The human body is composed of billions of billions of atoms and vibrate at a set frequency. When you as a person feels down or are sick, your vibration frequency is far lower that a happy, healthy person's vibration frequency.

Have you ever received a hug from a happy healthy person and afterwords felt "magically" better? That is Quantum physics at work.

Now Quantum touch is like a science, how a healthy happy person can use his/her vibration frequency energy to heal others. if you are interested in this, I can give you a few links where you can do a little more research.

I really think a person such as you who have the touch/revulsion will get over this, through learning and helping others using Quantum touch. You will learn a new perspective of being touched and touching other people.

 

Okay, that makes... no sense whatsoever. It uses some mentions of scientific terminology, but that's where all the similarities to any science I've ever studied end.

While it's true, for example, that some atomic or subatomic particles can be said to have a frequency, and some properties of the human body are measured in frequencies (such as brain waves, or heart rates), those all have very clear and different definitions, and this doesn't mean that you can just mash them together into a "human" frequency. Let alone measure such a frequency or assign certain frequencies to happy or sad states.

Also, by this reasoning, people would continuously strive to get into equilibrium with everything touching them. Such as clothing, furniture, the air (which touches you every moment of every day, after all). Hard to make a difference with one hug.
(OK, obviously in reality, people do evaporate water, radiate heat, burn food etc... and have to combat these effects to stay alive, but none of that has anything to do with quantum physics).

I checked around a bit on "quantum touching" sites, but nothing I see there has any proof or scientific backing. Moreover, it seems like they're just selling a normal massage technique with a lot of pseudoscientific jargon around it to make it look more fancy.
I could try to do a claim-by-claim rebuttal, but the problem is that it's such a convoluted mash of words that it has no bearing to actual quantum physics or science.

I would very well believe some massage or manipulation techniques can work in some cases (not necessarily related to the OP's issue), but then they should leave out those unsubstantiated claims. In some cases, I'd see a reliance on pseudoscience as actively harmful, as in a lot of cases a friendly hug or good massage just won't cut it.

 

Have you ever worked with a therapist to discuss the issue? I would think that could be very helpful. Don't assume that you should be able to work through this kind of thing on your own. The help of a trained professional might be just what you need.

Otherwise, as others have said, you need to be you. And you need to communicate with whoever you're with. It's easier to have open, honest, sincere communication with someone you're developing a relationship wtih rather than someone you've just met for a 'quicky'. But it sound to me like you're on the right path.

 

I don't have much advice to give the OP because I'm in sort of the same boat as far as being repelled-by-touch goes, but here's a thought: Does anybody think that massage therapy (repeated exposure to intimate touches by a non-emotionally-involved third party) would be beneficial in overcoming skin-on-skin intimacy issues?

Gender dysphoria has made this touch and intimacy issue a big deal for me too. I'd say it's almost like a "stone butch" sort of thing (based on the definitions I've seen) except that I'd really like to get to a point where I am comfortable with a woman enjoying my female anatomy without me being turned off/sexually disoriented by the attention.

Haven't been with a woman yet, so I don't know how I'll react in that specific situation...but I do know from sexual experiences with guys that I have this sort of non-response/shutdown to being "acted upon" or dominated in a masculine way during sex...and I don't know if that's just because I'm mostly into women and not really down with getting the business from guys, or if I am just sexually repressed in general and all intimate touch is threatening to me.

 

I'll say it's unfortunate. Someone with bipolar disorder needs the services of a counsellor more than the average person would - I would think.

Perhaps there's an other alternative. Is there a teaching hospital near to where you live? Sometimes there are free / cheaper services available through universities - from therapists in training. That, or services provided by non-profit groups. The community center that serves the part of Toronto that includes the 'gay village' offers free counselling from trained volunteers. Maybe there's something like that where you live...