So after telling myself I was Bi, getting ready to tell somebody and even try to go for an old crush of mine, I realized that im lying to myself. I was so confident, ready to get over the days of feeling like shit and just be myself 100%, not just sexuality but maybe for once just being me.In the end I just could not fool myself enough, but I cant bring myself to say it. I guess Im back to going through the stages of loss again. Denaing this shit is actually happening. Angry that i cant be intested in girls sexual at all. bargining that I'll go date my old crush and everything will be ok. And of course, depression on top of it all. I know what i fantasize about, who i want to hold me, who i want to date, who i want to kiss, and the answer sickens me to the core. Im sick of feeling like this for what feels like the millionth time. I cant Bring myself to say what i know is true. I cant say the "G" word to myself, let alone out loud. This cant be happening. I keep constructing new realities for myself only for them to blow up in my face. First it was getting over the fact i like guys then it kept going one number down the scale at the time. I just destroyed 4 and am on to 5. I need to talk to some one, like a real time conversation but have no where to turn. I dont feel any different than i was before realizng this (besides the who upset thing) which is what scares me the most. I dont feel as i changed any which mean this was always part of me, but now i wish it was gone. Does any one have any advice on just getting over ones self? How to talk to someone? how to keep you emotions in check? Any support would be most apreciated.:help:
Ah, I so feel you on this one... for the longest time I prayed that things would change; that I could be attracted to girls like all the other guys. I was grossed out by the possibility of being gay and hated it. Truthfully, for me, I came to terms with it through time... right now it may "sicken you to the core," but after meeting other non-straight people in real life and reading/posting here on EC you'll come to realize that its not as sucky as it seems. As for talking to people in real time, there are a lot of people here on EC that you can chat with!
First I would like to say, you're not alone. You are facing similar problems that I had when I was coming to terms with myself and understanding who I am. It is very natural to go through the stages of loss or acceptance depending on how you want to think of it. I went through stages where I thought I was Bi. However, when it came down to it, I could never see myself doing anything sexual with a girl. It is all a process. Just know that things get better. The phrase has gotten me through some pretty low times as I was coming out. You might also want to check out some of the inspiring stories of the "It Gets Better" project. You can use a search engine and enter what is in quotes. It has some very inspiring videos of messages of hope for those coming to terms with themselves. For that matter, so does EC. Both of these sites have helped me so much. The people have as well. EC has some amazing people that honestly care. As for talking to others, it only works if you feel comfortable with it. It will be hard never-the-less but if you are ready, it is a little easier. I guess I really can't offer much in advice in terms of coming out. I have just recently started coming out. I, myself, am a Kinsey 5. Please know, things get better. Acceptance of yourself just takes time. If you find it hard to accept certain labels. If you would like, go label free until you are ready. And even then you don't have to label. Just be you. You are the same person you were before you realized you were gay. Your sexuality is just a fraction of who you are. Feel free to message me if you would like, for advice or emotional support. There are also numerous others on here that would be more than happy to help, especially the advisors. They usually give great advice. Ec is a wonderful support site that helps so much. I do wish you the best of luck through this difficult time.
