I'm in the same exact situation. I've been with my girlfriend for a year. She's out to her family and most of her friends. I on the other hand, am not out at all. We recently moved across the country and somehow I thought that would help me start over, but it's just not. I just feel like I'm telling more lies and I can't keep them straight. I feel like I'm a different person to everyone I still talk to back home. It's emotionally exhausting. I want to come out, at least to my family. I just don't know how to tell them. My family is quite liberal, and it's not like I think they're going to disown me or anything. In fact, I think they would be very supportive. I know that I'm a lesbian, but sometimes I have a hard enough time just admitting to myself that I am a lesbian, let alone my family. I mostly don't label myself, I just know I'm in love with her. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to come out, mostly because I feel like it's starting to strain my relationship. My girlfriend isn't pressuring me, but I'm constantly thinking about it and I feel like I'm taking it out on her. I just don't want that to be the reason anymore. Plus, I'm jealous of her talking to her friends and family and mentioning me to them. I wish I could say those things. When I talk to anyone from back home, I leave the room. I think my girlfriend takes offense when I leave her out of things. Honestly, I don't blame her. It's just not worth hiding anymore. It's too much of a burden. How do I go about telling them? And how did you tell you families? Any advice would be appreciated.
The easiest thing probably is telling the person you think would react the best and who you can trust the most. Once you tell one person, especially if they're family, it will start getting a lot easier. It's always hard at first. If you know that your family will be accepting then I say go for it. It's fine to take baby steps too -- sometimes that's best. Do you have a sibling you can confide in? That might be the best place to start. Good luck.
Honestly, I think you need to come out to the most important person first - you. >>>...sometimes I have a hard enough time just admitting to myself that I am a lesbian, let alone my family. I mostly don't label myself, I just know I'm in love with her This is a game I think a lot of people play early on. I'm well-aware that some people don't fit neatly into pre-arranged boxes, but the fact is, many do. And as long as you can deny that "I'm not gay - I'm ME", you can avoid having to go down this path at all. After all, coming out is for "gay people", and as long as you can convince yourself "gays are like this, but I'm not like that, so that label doesn't fit"...well, there's no reason to come out, right? The thing is - I think people fear the baggage more than the label. It's not so much that they don't want people to know that they're "interested in the same sex" (which is dictionary definition of "gay"), but they don't want people to think they're "like that". Whether that means birkenstocks or golf or good-with-tools or butch or your-least-favorite-stereotype-here. But the fact remains - if you like the same sex (more or less exclusively), you're gay. That's pretty much the definition. So perhaps work on yourself some more. Look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" every morning, until you no longer feel like you're admitting to some heinous crime. Because you're not. And once you feel more comfortable with it, I'm betting it'll be a lot easier to talk to your family about it. Lex
This was pretty much my entire college experience. Surrounded by the LGBT community and away from home, I had the perfect opportunity to come out. Not a single one of my friends would have judged me as far as I know. But aside from being horrified at the idea of being anything less than straight, I didn't want to label myself, especially with a label that I felt would ostracize me. Most of my friends were gay and I loved/supported them, but I was so deep in the closet I refused to even consider the fact that I might be, even though all signs pointed to queer. I had internalized so much homophobia growing up that the idea of my friend being gay was a non-issue for me, but coming to terms with my own gender identity had me so secretly torn up it made me physically ill and depressed to the point of suicide. Guess it's sort of similar to the "not in MY house" deal parents of gay kids sometimes go through. My parents never had any problems with my gay friends (other than the occasional homophobic remark behind their backs) but when I came out, they hit the roof. As far as coming out to your family goes, I vote for a sibling if you have one. They are often a lot less emotionally involved in you than your parents, and they're a generational peer so a lot more likely to be supportive than not. I came out to my brother first and his loving, nonchalant response (Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!) is definitely what gave me the courage to come out to the rest of my immediate family.
Thank you guys for your advice! I don't want anyone thinking that I'm ashamed at being a lesbian. I know that's what I am, it's just a little strange to call myself one sometimes, as I've only recently come to terms with it. I even do fit in to a couple of the sterotypes, I suppose. My girlfriend and I joke about it all the time. I was also consdiering my sibling. I have a twin brother of whom I've very close with. He's recently become really religious though, and has even mentioned he's changed his view on gay rights. That's why I'm on the fence about telling him. Since he's started his journey as a Christian he's become a little judgemental. However, he's never really been that way directly towards me, even with the personal things I tell him. I appreciate the kind words, keep them coming!
Yeah, you definitely fit into the lesbian stereotype in that you are a lady and you have a girlfriend. :lol:
