"I'd never thought you were gay"

I'm not "gay looking," but I think what you have to learn is that being gay doesn't mean you have to follow the stereotypes and expectations portrayed by the media. I think that if the media started portraying gay guys as men that simply like other men, instead of the flamboyant type all the time, we would be a lot more accepted by the public.

To be quite honest, and I don't mean to offend, but I'm a little surprised that you could think you are the only gay guy that is not flamboyant. It could be because you don't know any other gay guys, but that's the problem that most people have. They don't know any gay people. You just have to understand that gay people are just regular people, who happen to be attracted to the same sex.

 

I've known I was a gay for quite a while now, at least since I was 10 or 11 years old.

I can tell you that the MAJORITY of gay people that I have met and personally know are not "flaming", "camp" or "flamboyant". However, the majority of gay people that I see (meaning, across the street, at the bar, in the media, etc) are ones that perpetuate the gay stereotype, and hence I can pick them out without asking them about their sexuality.

I think you will find that gay people are just like any other people. You have effeminate gay guys just as you have effeminate straight guys.

I'm not very effeminate at all. I play sports, I work out, I'm not very fashion conscious (except for matching colors), and I have a masculine voice. I can't really tell you anything else much about it. It's just like being any other person. I don't intentionally try to not be flamboyant or "camp", it's just who I am. I don't get put off when people tell me they don't expect me to be gay.

 

I got the same thing, more often than not get told it really surprises people but really it's nothing to worry about. Your sexuality is only one part of your personality, maybe quite often being gay comes attached with being camp and flamboyant but it certainly isn't always the case and attraction isn't set into LGBT, people feel different levels of attraction for different genders and can like just boys, just girls, both, one a little, the other a lot so you can't really attach some social pattern to it, everyone's unique.

 

I'm a girl but I get this from people sometimes too.

Being gay is not about how you come off. It's not about how you look or act. It's about who you're attracted to, that's all.

A lot of people really only know stereotypes about gay people. I mean, statistically speaking, one in every ten people you meet is gay, but not every one of those people "seems gay" at first glance. That's not what being gay is about. Everyone's different regardless of sexual orientation.

So no worries. If you're sure about who you're attracted to and it's guys, then you're gay. You don't have to be a certain way

 

First of all welcome :smilewave

Now for the more serious part.

There are many different levels of being gay. Like me, if you'd meet me and we would talk about general stuff, then you'd thought I am straight. But talk about guys and sex and you will quickly know I am gay. I'm what some call "straight acting gay" but the thing is I am not acting, this is who I am and that is not going to change just because my sexual orientation is gay.

Then on the far side of gay, you get the feminine type, those that are more woman than man (at least in personality).

In between these two you get many different levels. So with you... if the way you are now feels natural, sexual orientation aside, then that's who you are. It has nothing to do with being confused or anything like that.

I hope this helps you!

 

Next to no-one thinks I am gay, or at least said to me that they thought I might be, everyone has been shocked.

If they werent shocked there probably wouldnt have been a need to tell them.

 

I don't fit many lesbian stereotypes at all, and I have a few gay friends who don't "seem" gay, either. People all over the world defy the stereotypes of the groups they associate with every day, quite happily.

 

I got that too, but it's kind of funny. I never had a girlfriend or talked about girls at all, and whenever someone talked to me about having a gf I rapidly changed the subject. How nobody picked up on that is a mystery to me. But to echo what's been said above, the vast majority of LGBT people don't fit any kind of stereotype. As an example, the only stereotype gay guys really fit is we're sexually attracted to guys. Some of us are very very camp, and some of us are "manly men," more so even than some straight guys. Anyway, the point is, if you are sexually attracted only to guys, and often think about being with a guy (emotionally and sexually), then you're gay, no matter what your physical appearance. Sexuality does not discriminate.

Think about it this way too. You don't fit the stereotype, so you never, while in the closet (which I assume you were at some point), had people tell you you looked gay. Compare that to guys who do fit the stereotype; they are no 'more or less' gay than you, but based on their appearance, actions, whatever, they were, and might even still be, very harshly bullied. So there is indeed a bonus to 'appearing to be straight.'

 

Not only has the media showed the stereotype of gays, but they have also glorified it. So you could just be noticing the "stereotypical gays" because of this.Also most people now think that all gays are like this. Another thing is that people sometimes don't fit stereotypes, and that is a good thing. Otherwise life would be boring, if everybody fit into the molds that they are supposed to.

I also agree with what TwistyRainbow said, that you didn't have to deal with people picking on you about looking gay.

 

I don't meet the typical stereotypes, but that doesn't mean that I'm any less gay Don't worry if people don't think you 'look" gay- all that matters is how you feel.

 

I'm pretty masculine compared to the media image of the gay guy. I just came out to my dad, and he was completely surprised, because I've never shown any "gay" characteristics (part of this is because I'm masculine, and part is because I hid some of my more homosexual characteristics). But, now that I'm out, honestly the only thing I'm going to change is going to play Elton John out loud in my dorm (I know, it's quite silly that I refused to do this when I was in the closet, but we do silly things in the closet).

 

ezkill made a good post that i agree with....i do not personally know a lot of gay people that i have not met from online or the clubs. there are some people that i work with that are gay and out and many of them fit the sterotype and a few of them do not. there are some people who i suspect are closeted and they are masculine. as far as the sterotype, i would agree with ezkill that people i have met at bars or clubs, or in the gay districts seemt embody and embrace the sterotype and in those environments if they are indeed masculine, they are usually tops.

the challenge i think is finding other guys outside of the club/bar/net scene that are masculine and are not "detectable" . since you can't tell, it's hard to know who is who unless you are introduced to them through other gay friends or if you meet someone at a gay place or if someone obviously flirts with you on the streets.

good luck

 

You've gotten quite a few great responses, but I'd like to add my voice to theirs.

It doesn't matter if you get these comments. Actually, it's a compliment, when you think about it. You've managed to successfully closet yourself until you were emotionally ready to come out. You were so successful, that even those who know you well didn't realize anything was amiss! It may seem odd, to take these comments as compliments, but it definitely is useful.

Personally, I've gotten several of these remarks throughout my coming out process, from my mother, to my closest friends, to my most distant friends (that I've told). However, the fact that I've been told by these individuals that they never would have thought I was gay does not change the fact that I am, indeed, attracted to guys. As long as you are certain of your attractions, the comments themselves don't affect you.

As far as other guys, there are definitely other gay guys who are non-flamboyant or less feminine than the standard stereotype. Personally, I find myself as non-flamboyant, although I'm much closer to the center of the masculine/feminine spectrum than the masculine side, so I suppose you could consider me to be one of the guys you are asking about. We're definitely here, it's just a little harder to spot us without us going out of our way to make it obvious. Some people are uncomfortable with going out of their way, but others aren't. As for me, I'm getting my rainbow wristband any day now, so yay!

Good luck as you continue coming out. You've got a community here to talk to about anything, so come back and talk with us as often as you like!

 

I get asked if I was gay all the time...might be because I'm a good dresser and tend to be a little on the nice side. I'm not flamboyant though...and no where near fabulous!

 

I can relate to everything but the girlfriend part (I only had mine for a week tho lol...).
So yes, not all of us stick out so much. I've only had 1 person ever ask me before coming out to them and the rest were as wide eyed as you can possibly imagine.

If it makes you feel any better, I play basketball and hockey, lift weights off and on and do plenty of other "masculine" stuff.... point is don't think you need to conform to any stereotypes, you are gay, gay is not you... if that makes any sense lol. Just think of the world if all stereotypes were true. Relax and be yourself dude.

And if it turns out you find the right girl for you, then whatever, just do what you want and who cares what other people think, although easier said than done I know...

 

I can completely relate. I don't have a problem with flamboyancy if that's truly who they are. I'm actually friends with a couple. But it's not me at all, and I'm not attracted to it in the slightest.

I'm outdoorsy, I play and keep up with sports, I'm studying engineering. Strangely enough, as I've accepted being gay, I've become even less apparent according to the two people I'm out to. It's difficult because I know they're out there, but I've never met a non-stereotypical gay guy. I like to think it's because I live in a conservative area, and the only ones who are open are those who are too camp to cover it up. I'm really hoping that once I move to an accepting city (moving tomorrow!), I'll start meeting more like me.

It's hard not to worry, but we aren't alone.

 

lol being gay has nothing to do with how "gay" you act xD if your attracted to men your gay, men and women, bi, whoever you form an emotional connection with, pan, etc, etc

How effeminate you act is gender expression and is completely different from orientation. You just have to realize the separation between

orientation- who you are attracted to, has nothing to do with who you actually have sex with
Gender- Wether you feel male, female, or something in between
Gender expression- wether you express as a female, male, a masculine male, masculine female, etc

 

Don't worry! I had the same response from quite a few of my friends. Several people replied, "Oh! Really? Um... really?" One girl was really surprised, then thought about it and realised she'd never heard me say anything about girls, but said she'd just assumed I was quite private.
I suppose it helps that I don't fit any stereotypes. I'm studying military history, and if I'm at an airshow, I'll be staring at the planes rather than the pilots!

 

Penalty for contraction usage, 5 minutes... :icon_wink