Giving up on relationships...

Well, I won't say that I have given up on finding a mate altogether, but I certainly have put it on the backburner for a long time. It's sort of embarrassing to admit (though I'm not sure why) but I've been celibate for almost five years. Stopped trying to pretend to be a normal heterosexual college student after I graduated, basically, and after college I've never felt motivated to be in a long-term relationship, so I never bothered looking for one.

I've also only had a handful of romantic [heterosexual] relationships in my lifetime (all of my sexual encounters were one night stands though - I would classify them as drunken, half-hearted attempts to "lay the gay away") so I've been alone most my life. I'm a schizoid personality, so it doesn't really bother me much. I don't miss the companionship or the sex.

As for staying content alone, it's my preferred status so I don't have to worry about it. I'm extremely introverted and prefer interacting with people online because it's a written medium.

I don't think I'm going to stay celibate though, now that I'm reaching back out to people and socializing again since I'm over the trauma of coming out. I'm almost ready to get back into a relationship...preferably with a woman, this time. :icon_wink

Flings and dalliances don't do a thing for me, turns out...I want to put a ring on it.

Don't give up on relationships altogether though. Your life is capable of changing radically in the span of a second. You should be open to every opportunity and situation that crosses your path. Take everything for face-value.

As far as rejection goes, you don't have to immediately get back up on the horse, but you do have to walk it off and go catch the horse sometime.

 

I'm not sure about your age, it doesn't say but let met tell you something of me, maybe you can relate cause I can definitely relate to yours.

Since puberty up to the age of 29, I never had a date (accept a blind date organised by a friend who thought I was straight... so it was with a girl and of course a major disaster :bang. I tried finding the right guy for me but there just wasn't one. Plus I am super shy.

I started to feel alone, that something in my life is missing :eek:. I used to get very sad on the inside when I see my straight friends (never was interested in gay friends) being with their gf :tears:. I remember on the age of 25 I pretty much gave up on love. My mom send me the cutest little kitten and I saw her as my friend... someone to fill the void . When ever I got "in the mood" it was just me by myself, with loads of porn and my hand (who I usually refer to as Mr. Palmer and his five sons) :icon_bigg.

At the age of 29, just a few short weeks before I came out to my parents... what do you know... love came knocking on my door :icon_redf! At first I was reluctant, making up all sorts of excuses to him saying I was not ready for a commitment or anything like that :eusa_naug. I was pretty much afraid of being hurt (been hurt badly by friends in the past), but in the end I gave in. He was pretty persistent and that I guess paid off. Today though we are happily married... the first relationship, the guy who broke my virginity, the love of my life.(*hug*)

So you see, give up on love... it will come knocking on your door one time or another LOL

 

Countrary to my usual wrting style, I feel like starting with some poetry:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Okay, it's a cliché, but I think it holds a lot of truth. In love, like in all things, at first there's a lot of stumbling and falling involved. And yes, it hurts like hell. You'll eventually end up with some scars. But yet, with trying and failing, you learn a lot of things you would have never known when standing on the sidelines. And in time, you get it right and you look back on those previous falls as all leading up to better things.


I'm aware that that isn't your question though, so to answer that: yeah, there were times when I wished I could get a life of pure rationality, without needing to worry about getting weak in the knees when meeting a nice guy, or lying in bed hugging my pillow by myself (which happened quite a few time especially right after coming out to myself).
In practice: you can't just "give up on finding a mate", though. You can't control feelings and attractions, and trying to totally ignoring them only leads to more hurt in the long run.

It's perfectly doable to take a middle road, though: not actively look for a mate, but trying to have a good time in the meantime, and going for opportunities as they present themselves.
Even when you're alone in your evenings, there's tons of books to read, movies to watch, internet to browse, games to play or things to learn. You can join hobby clubs, sports clubs, go to evening courses in subjects from languages to car repair, and end up having a good time by yourself. And in the meantime, you meet people as regular friends.
Over time, you might fall for some of them, and yes, it might not work out and will hurt, but if you know you can have a good time by yourself too, it's less of a fall if you have to go back to your regular routine.


Above all, though, this: you might hurt now, but you'll get over it and get stronger through it. Things do get better (*hug*)

 

^ What Filip said

From my experiences in life, as it is so far: don't crave after one - because then all you'll end up with is something you didn't want. Don't give up on one, and push the possibility away - because then you'll throw it away before you could get a look at it

Don't let the expectations ruin the reality of a relationship, if you get one, and just enjoy it moment-to-moment.

As for being alone, well. I've been feeling very isolated and lonely myself, but I'm dealing with it (slowly) by just letting it be. Filip's poem above - "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most..." Maybe reflect on that, and on the flip side - 'I hold it true, whate'er I do; I feel it, when I rejoice most".

Ok, mine was a lame reworking, but I'm sure you get the gist

 

Let me just tell my own experience, if you wouldn't mind.

I know how sad it is to feel that "falling for some straight guy" feeling. I'm undergoing such situation and I'm experiencing the same like you. I have so many chances of telling this guy I like him but almost all chances possible would turn out the other way I want it to be. I thought about giving up already, but how possibly could I just give up something it took long and hard to develop? I know it will hurt me if I still cling on to this situation but it will hurt more for me to give up on such love.

But I'm bi. I could love also love the other gender and I guess the inconsistencies of my likings could bring about change in that feeling I have for him. It's not that I'm escaping from what I should face; it's more like thinking more about the situation.

So now, I'm all alone. I feel kind of regretting the fact that I broke up with my gf back then. But maybe, this is all for my own good.

I do suggest that you take your time before making any actions first. I know it might be a little bit itchy to stay alone for a while but relaxing yourself from a stressing situation such as that could help you decide. ^_^ I'd stick with what Sir Filip said.

 

i am in the same boat. when i finally started to come to terms with my sexuality...and i'm still coming to terms with it and feel like i just started the process although its been years, well, i did have a crush on a straight guy. i was really interested in him. seemed like a nice guy and was normal, attractive, and ambitious. well, i atleast wanted to see where things went. after months and months of wondering, guessing, assuming, i finally let him know how i felt and he told me he was straight. i felt embarrassed and crushed and paranoid that others would find out. looking back, although it didn't work out, i never have to think " i wonder what would have happened, i wonder if he was into me or into guys." so i dont feel so bad about that. but now i'm in my mid 30s. i 'm really down inside a lot. im very lonley and now that all my straight friends have families and kids and lives, i'm still alone with noone. although i know there has to be another guy like me someone out there, i have yet to find him. the people i have dated, i can honestly say i really didnt' relate to any of them and things never lasted. since you can't just walk up to straight guys and try and flirt with them, i feel like my options are really limited and i try to take the best of what's available to me as far as guys but honestly i never really feel that excitemetn feeling of "wow, finaly someone i can relate to." its more like, "ok, i guess i have to expand my horizons and try this out..." however, in my everyday life i meet straight guys all the time that i would love to hang out with or get to know or date. but they are straight. in my mind i think, "if i'm at grocery stores, malls, and regular places, there has to be other people. so if i'm friendly and open, i'm sure i'm bound to meet someone who is masculine that may be just like me and not out to everyone". i have met people and have kept the proverbial door open so they would feel comfortable to walk through without feeling "outed" or rushed. but honestly it never happens. either they are straight or so deep in teh closet they're not coming out. sooo. i'm at a point where i feel like giving up on the hope that i'll meet someone and truly i do feel like i'im the only guy like me aroiund in my race...(black). i know there are others but i've kinda given up on finding anyone. very sad feeling actually

 

I gave up on relationships when I was in the closet - I really hadn't become comfortable with the idea of being with a guy, so what guy would want me - and still had given up after my first crush fizzled. Then I came out to another guy who I wasn't even initially attracted to. In the months since then, our friendship has grown (maybe because I'm out to him, I'm not sure and I don't care) but the point is, I can tell that not only do I now very much like him, both sexually and as a friend (which is how it should be imo) but there's something coming from his end as well. I guess my point is, do what everyone above me has said. It might take a little bit, but you will find Mr. Right.

 

You're letting this one person control the way you live many important experiences you'll soon have in your life...

You're hurt.
You're reacting and responding.
It's natural, but don't be this harsh on yourself.

I remember not wanting anything to do with relationships until I started feeling pretty lonely.

I think it depends on the person and how serious they really are about being without a significant other.

 

O just food for thought....

You can't make a perfect omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Searching for the right guy can be a little hurtful, in fact it can hurt allot.. but in the end, all the hurt makes finding the right guy that much more worth it in the end.

if I look back in my life, YES I'd do everything over again, with all the hurts, frustrations, anger and everything else, just to be with my husband right now. It was worth all of this.