So I guess I should start out by saying that I accepted that I'm gay about a month ago and I wouldn't wanna change that for anything. After I came out to the only four people that I'm out to, I started to doubt myself, but a few weeks later I got over it and accepted myself, but since then I haven't come out to anyone else. Lately its gotten to that point again where the only thing I can think about is my sexuality. When I'm talking to people who don't know yet and the subject of anything to do with homosexuality comes up I get really uncomfortable and try to change the subject as quick as possible. I really don't know why I can't get myself to tell more people when I'm pretty sure they will be accepting. But I'm still gonna wait for awhile to tell my parents and my brother. I've been raised in a Conservative Catholic family in a Conservative state. So I guess that's one of the reasons I'm avoiding telling them. Even though I'm pretty certain they will accept me. I'm pretty sure my mom already knows. When I was younger she asked me if I was gay and I said no. At that point I think I either didn't know yet or was already in denial and trying to make it go away, but either way i denied it. She brought it up a few more times, but then she gave up. I might of been a tad obvious when looking and guys I thought were cute. There were some other reasons too. Its scary how much parents know. I think I'm really more scared about how they are going to react to me wanting to leave the Catholic faith and find something that accepts me for who I am. I know they are probably gonna want me to stay in the faith and be celibate. I think my brother is going to be the worst though. He's studying to be a Priest and hes really strong in his faith and he'll probably try to convince me to stay in the faith and tell me what I'm doing is wrong. But its my life and I deserve to be happy no matter who I love. When I finally accepted myself, I realized that I'm not truly happy with the direction my life is going in. My current major in school is computer engineering. I think one of the main reason I chose that was because of the money, and because that is what I thought I wanted for myself at the time. I think more then anything I was still trying to keep up my "straight" image. Even when I'm with my friends I just don't feel like I "fit in" anymore. I feel like I've let myself become this strange impostor to who I truly am. I've figured out that I want to change my major to Interior Design. Its something I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I feel like it will make me truly happy. I think one of the main reasons I decided not to do that was because I didn't want to be labeled as gay. To do this, if all goes according to plan, I'll be transferring to a school 2 hours away from my hometown for the upcoming spring semester. That should help me meet new ppl and stuff like that. I also feel like I need to meet more glbt people, just so I'll have some people who can relate to what I'm going through. Meeting new people in general would be awesome. It would be cool if at some point one of those friendships developed into a relationship. It probably doesn't help that since accepting myself that I've been noticing guys A LOT MORE then I used to. Like sometimes it gets to the point where its all i think about. Its getting a little out of hand. But I would assume that's normal for having to hide that for so long. Now I just don't care if people catch me looking:lol: Sorry for this being so long but I just had to get this all out.
Consider it out. It sounds like you know what the score is, and what you need to keep working on. So the only thing left is to ensure you keep working on it. Lex
Yeah I agree with that. I think I just needed to get all my feelings out there. I think its mostly about just finishing what I started. But that's easier said then done. :icon_sad:
It seems as you are divided between accept yourself and the fear of... be judged? It's normal. Almost all are afraid of being judge. I think you just let it be. I mean, don't think about it too much and stop to looking for compromise.
