So, my relationship is complicated. We've been going out 11 months, and my bf is basically homeless. Its not really his fault. He grew up in foster care moving from one home to the next growing up, and he's never really had a "true home." He's currently staying with his mother, but she used to be a meth addict, has no driver's license or car, barely any money, and lives in the middle of nowhere rural Iowa about an hour drive from where I'm currently living, and she didn't pay the rent last month so they are about to get kicked out with no where to go in about two weeks. So basically today he told me he just hurts body and mind and just wants to make it stop. Its extremely obvious to me he was telling me he wanted to commit suicide. I told him and told him he had to promise me he wouldn't but all he promised me was he wouldn't in the near future. To be more specific he said he wouldn't as long as he had me. This makes me uncomfortable, he basically told me that our relationship is the only thing keeping him for giving up and committing suicide. Now, I'm not saying I want to leave him, but its a complex relationship, and I'm not even out to most people in my life. Every day I feel doubt that I'm not really gay. Not only that, but if I am, I had never told a certain person when I started dating him. He's the reason I came out, and now I feel kind of like I skipped over a certain stage of life. Normally I wouldn't worry about it, but he's been rushing things since day one. Telling me he loved me on day three, and talking about spending the rest of our lives together after a month. I have tons of feelings for him, I really do. I just have tons of doubt and other negative emotions too. I want to help him out of his situation more than anything, but trying to do that last year got ME into my own huge hole. I let him stay with me even though it was against my housing contract, and spent half my money on food, cigarettes, and etc. for him. and nearly failed out of college at the same time. I told him I couldn't do that again this year, but I can't see him be homeless, or give up on life and end it either. I know people are just gonna say no matter what happens it won't be my fault, but that doesn't change the fact that I would feel guilt for the rest of my life. Every song would remind me of him, and how I could have just said one thing, or helped him more and he'd still be here. Sorry, my mind is running in all kind of directions here, but I really need advice. :help:
I get it that your are doubting yourself and if that is the case then I'd rather step a little backwards and take stock, work things out until I fell that I am comfortable to be back into the relationship. But from your BF's side, he sees your relationship as the only real stable thing in his life. And through his situation I can clearly understand why he would feel like that. As for your BF, well, housing him and paying for his food and cigarettes is not actually helping him. There is an ancient proverb that says do not give a hungry man food, rather teach him how to catch food so he can feed himself. The best way to help him, is to help him to get a job. Even if it is a job at a fast food restaurant, to help clean the streets, to help clean toilets in a hotel or anything. No job is below any person, especially if he doesn't have a job. That will give him the needed money to buy his own food and cigarettes. As for the housing problem, it would be better if he approach the government and tell them the situation. In most cases, they may be able to point him in the right direction for affordable housing or even to a government housing project. Living with a person who was a meth addict isn't that healthy, but then again his mother might return to meth, especially with the situation they are facing, and that scares him the most. I can imagine that his life was a living hell when his mother was still an addict and would rather die than to go back to that kind of life. It would be good for both of them if his mother can also find a job, or if she has one, to also approach the government to help get a low cost housing or a government project. If they are successful then he can stay with her to help her through this time. The economical crisis isn't helping the situation and this will get worse before it will get better, I only hope that he doesn't commit suicide before then.
I think the first thing is getting your bf some help. Meaning help him find a job that he can do and I'm not sure if there are any free counseling clinics he can go to, but it sounds like he needs to talk to someone and that might definitely help out. I know people who cannot afford their rent and are looking into social services, that might be an option for him as well. If he says that the only thing keeping him going is a relationship with you, it would be best to help him get on his feet and what he needs so maybe it can ease him up some and he won't keep feeling this way. As for you, I know it must be difficult to have all this on your shoulders since you're not even fully out yourself, but you must be strong for him, as he needs you right now. You can't ruin your life and your situation for him either, so keep yourself going as best you can. Almost failing at college and spending all your money on things like cigarettes are not the best way. See if you can get him some help to get him a bit more stable and I'm sure that will help your relationship in the right direction.
I agree with Gerry, he has developed some kind of mental problems due to his past and speaking to a councillor or a therapist might get him in the right path of recovery
Two-prong attack. You'll need to help see if you can resolve his housing crisis, and you'll need to help give him a lifeline other than you. Look into hostels or housing shelters in Des Moines for him. And look into gay and lesbian outreach groups like the Trevor Project. Lex
Okay, this is a lot to respond to at once. Lexington, I posted this same story on another gay community board and got the same advice of the Trevor Project. It even gave statics that like 20-40% of homeless identify as LGBT and 62% of them will attempt suicide. I want him to look at this resource, but I don't want him to know I was talking about him with strangers on the internet. I discussed my issues with our relationship in some detail months ago on another board and he found it and was very upset. Gerry, I think counseling would be good for him. Obviously a job would. But I've tried to help him find a job and it didn't work. He has no high school degree. I don't know how he would get to counseling without a car or a license. Thylvin, you're right. I do have a lot of doubt. I'd love to take a step back and figure myself out more. I have true feelings for him, but I don't know if I love him in the sense that I want to spend my whole life with him, or I just want him to be a good friend. I really just don't know what I want. I'm afraid to abandon him though, even if it would still be as a friend, yet I'm afraid to stay with him and potentially hurt him even more one day. This has been my first real relationship, and things have gotten way too serrious, way too fast. I still am unsure what I want from life. I certainly love him, if not in a lover sort of way, in a best friend kind of way. I just don't know what I want. I'm guessing I've made that abundantly clear though.
Hello, I've had a couple of friends who have been suicidal at times, so I know its a scary place to be. You don't have to tell your BF that you've talked about him online; just say you googled some stuff and the Trevor Project came up. I can't offer you much advice about housing, but I think helping him to find a job, or even helping him look for one, would be a good step, both for the sake of actually finding a job, and also something for him to focus on and be involved in. If he can't find a paid job easily, maybe getting some volunteer work experience would help, and maybe he could do a GED course to get his high school diploma? I wish both of you the very best of luck. Stay tough, cause he's going to need you to be strong.
Well I've tried to help him find a job, let him live with me while he looked, drove him around for apps etc. It didn't work. As for the GED, he wants it, but I believe there is a fee to take the test and other factors like lack of transportation are making that difficult. But its something he plans on getting in time. He tried to take the test once, and he was like below the level of getting it immediately, but within a range that if he took some classes or something he would almost surely get it. That takes money though.
