I am a guy still in the closet. My life is a very sad one. I am an asian, and born in an asian country and culture (I was born a muslim). Having realized that I am gay at a young age of 13 years old, I tried to prove myself that I am not gay by trying to be normal for quite a number of years. I tried to get girls and I have been with them but it felt wrong and I was really lying to myself all these years. All of my friends are straight and probably have no clue that I am gay. Being constantly pressured by questions from my family and friends - I made up a lie saying that I am straight and have a girlfriend - only changing the gender but still telling them who I have been going out with. I have always wanted to come out to my family and friends, but I never had the guts as I live in a pretty religious country and gay culture is a taboo here. As a normal person, I have sex drive that I need to fulfill. So at first I tried to meet people from these gay dating sites, I enjoyed meeting random people and have sex with them. At least they felt right, and I know I was not lying to myself. I did that for a year before meeting a person who I felt really comfortable with. I am pretty much like any of your normal straight heterosexuals out there. I am straight-acting, the only difference is that I like men - specific kind of men. I am *only* turned by caucasians - big, burly kind of guys who are referred to as 'bears'. Being in an Asian country, I had a very hard time looking for someone who is my type. Most of them are tourists anyway. I could still meet them though, but only for one night stands. Exactly 2 years ago, I went as far to Hong Kong to meet someone who I have been in touch with on the internet, and felt like we had a connection (to me at least) and I felt like I had found someone I want to be and get older with. We got in touch by phone and instant messengers almost everyday for 2 years now, and I feel like finally I have that someone in my life. But we were thousands of miles apart, he lives in the United States and I am somewhere in Asia. We meet once of few months, usually to the place he travels to. He is a pilot, so whenever he flies to a place that I can afford to go to, I will go and see him. It was then that I made a decision to get away from my place, I tried to look for jobs overseas, thinking that gay life would be accepted there. I could not just quit my job and move somewhere, I have a stable job here. I am slowly making progress though, which I am pretty confident I can move out someday, and live happily one day *coughs*. Then came one day when we went for holiday, I secretly found out that he has this habit of meeting people for fun, and actually has a number of guys who he keeps in touch with, and that made me feel like maybe I am one of them too. It came as a shock to me, I was so oblivious to the gay culture where most of them are free to have sex with anyone. I did not expect that at all. The emails he sent to them sound very similar to what I have been getting, and I got very depressed and the holiday took a huge turn. I tried to confront him and asked whether he is in love with other guys he is getting in touch with. He denied them all by saying that they were all bullshit and he was just playing around. I doubt this anyhow. But still I have this feeling that he may be right, because I felt that he was sincere (except the meeting others for fun part) but because of our distance - I felt he had no choice. I respect him as a person with needs, and because of our distance and frequency of meeting, I felt that he needed them and I respect that. I just got back from a vacation with him now, spent almost a week with him and everytime I get back to my own place, it will hurt and last for a couple of weeks at least. I just cannot stand the pressure anymore and sometimes I feel like trying suicide. I do not know what else to do, as I cannot help but feel that most of the gay guys are like him, and I am afraid to get on in life, just to be disappointed again and again - because all I want is a guy who I can trust and spend my life with. And I'm also thinking of giving up hope of getting a relationship, because you will mostly be disappointed P/s: Pardon the language as english is not really my first language.
Welcome to EC! First of all, *hug*. It sounds like you are in a pretty rough situation and there is no easy way out. Next, your English is quite good in comparison to what is often found on the Internet. Finally, I am not sure how much of advice I can offer you since you are in a different country and that makes it hard to generalize my experience. The first thing, I would suggest is that most like you are “pretty much like any of your normal straight heterosexuals out there … the only difference is that [they] like men.” Of course, like heterosexuals some are content with monogamy, some need a little extra now and then, and for some this does not work at all. Some are promiscuous and some are not. I think the particulars of the situation you are in expose you to those that are in fact more promiscuous, because you can’t involve yourself in a long term relationship given your constraints. Sadly, I think the realities of gay relationships are dictated by the broader culture and society within which they exist. From what you describe, an open homosexual relationship would be far more difficult there than in America. But this was also the case in America no so long ago where gay men often wound up in heterosexual marriages and even those that were open about it were not part of mainstream society. It was not possible to have an open long-term relationship in most places and so hookups were what many men could manage. I normally would suggest seeing some sort of mental health workers, like a counselor or psychiatrist, but I am not sure how easy this is in your country, and from what I understand taboos in Asia about mental health are even stronger than in the US. Still it is really important if you have recognized suicidal thoughts in yourself that you talk to someone to figure out what is going on before they get worse. In my experience, it is really easy to think about suicide and say you will never act on it, but one day you might wake up and it will be something you want to do. You have to deal with this before it gets to that point. Why don’t you PM one of the moderates. They are a really cool bunch of people who have had a lot of life experience. There is also a social worker associated with EC. You can find all of this information in the welcome message that was sent to your inbox when you joined. If you have any questions or need to say anything else, we are also here to listen and help. You need only ask.