I had a friend in high school, lets call her Julia, with whom I was very close. This got to the point where she basically thought she was dating me, and I admittedly was not completely oblivious to this. At the time I sort of knew I was gay, but I was definitely in the denial phase, so I kept trying to understand why I just couldn’t figure out how a relationship worked. Always felt I needed permission to touch her, when clearly she wanted nothing more than this (later in retelling a funny story, someone told me she was actually offering me a blow job, not making a joke). In any case, I guess I sort of played along and didn’t say anything about how I didn’t understand what was going on because I was afraid I would loose her as a friend. Long story short, I did and in the process I wrecked her emotionally, as a number of email exchanged will attest to. Over the years I have felt very guilty about this. When I first got to college, I thought about this and her constantly. I figure I owe some explanation to her (though admittedly I heard through the grapevine that she thought I were gay), now that I think I have finally understood what happened between us and with me. I wonder, however, if I am doing this for the selfish reason of assuaging my guilt rather than to apologize. I figure that on one had this might be a welcome explanation for a very strange and unfortunate chapter of our time in high school. On the other hand, it might dredge up something that she thought she had put behind her, and I am not sure which is the case.
You should not take on your shoulders that you "wrecked her emotionally". We all deal with rejection in life. It is a part of being human and as she has matured, I hope that she has realized this. However significant this blow (no pun intended) may have been to her ego, I'm sure it has lessened with time and especially if she suspected that it was all just because you were gay. Your status says that you are not out and I think it would be pointless to contact her, unless you want to put all your cards on the table and tell her once and for all that you were gay. When you are more "out" and feel comfortable doing this it may be a nice way to have closure for both of you. However, don't feel rushed! you need to do things on your own time schedule. Also, when and if you do contact her, if she responds irrationally and tries to make you feel guilty for something that happened years ago you need to be prepared to not take it personally. Just know that you tried your best to take someone else's feelings into account. The fact that you are still thinking about this after so many years shows that you are a caring person and you should be proud of that.
