When Im alone I start to feel ok about the fact that Im gay, but when Im with my friends, I dont want to be gay anymore, I want to be straight and Ive tried so hard. They laugh about gays, they make jokes about them, so to keep it a secret I do it too. But each time it gets more difficult. I feel like Im the only one like this. I feel like Im alone and that, eventhough I know theres some other people like me out there, none of them are around. I cant talk about it with my friends, cause it would change the way they think about me completley. Just the other day I dared to ask them what was wrong with being gay, and one of almost hit me for just saying it. He didnt cause another friend stopped him and told him I had had too much to drink and then he looke at me as if I had said something extremley bad. That thing with my friend really freaked me out, when I got home I tried to convince myself that I didnt like guys, that maybe it was just a huge confusion or something. Right now I feel very lonely, and scared. I know I like guys but right now I dont want to. Anything you say will help, I just need to talk about it with somebody, and here is the only place I can.
Trust me, a lot of people can relate to your situation. What you need to understand, especially in situations where alcohol is involved, is that a lot of people just make fun of gay people because its the socially standard thing for straight guys to do. It doesn't necessarily make it okay, but they probably just don't realize it harms anyone. A lot of my friends say stuff like that's so gay, and use the "f word" (don't know if its against site rules to use it but I think you know which one I mean) yet they don't actually care that I'm gay. Before I was out to myself I used to be the same way they were. I'll admit that almost hitting someone over it seems remarkably over the top, but it sounds like he may have been drunk. A lot of times people will surprise you though. Don't lose hope =]
Don't lose hope! I feel lonely a lot--no, most of the time when I'm with my friends. Especially at parties, which sucks because if it wasn't for the lesbian factor I would love going to parties with them! I feel all strange thinking "I'm the only one in the whole room that's like this." The majority if not all of the girls have boyfriends, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only girl in my entire school who's entirely lesbian and would never date a guy. At the end of last term I went to my first LGBT party and met a girl there--we exchanged contact info, but over the summer she got herself a boyfriend..... The only time I really feel at peace with myself is with one of my best friends. It's the strangest thing because she doesn't know I'm lesbian and probably doesn't even suspect it. She's just like the daughter/childhood friend that I've always wanted, and just being with her makes me feel happy and normal, even when talking about guys she likes! She's from a foreign country, so it's a lot like being in childhood again because I get to experience a lot of firsts with her (things like her first sleepover, first cheese stick, first American friend outside her home country's community, etc.). You'll be alright. It might take a few years (hopefully not) but you'll find someone who accepts you and loves you for being yourself. You shouldn't try to change who you are at heart, you'll only make yourself miserable. Keep your chin up!!
I hope that, in time, your friends will come to accept that love can come in any shape or form. I honestly hope that you feel less alone through all of this because of this website. In this situation, I wouldn't want to make you feel offended in any way at all, but maybe you need to re-evaluate your friends? I mean, the one who stopped the other from punching you in the face seemed decent but I wouldn't trust him with too much. I think you need to find someone (in your life) that you can put all of your feelings into and trust. When I came out, I had my little brother and one of my good friends that was living with me at the current time by my side. It's one of these kind of people that you need. You can invest your trust in them and they'll help you no matter what you're thinking/feeling. I can promise you that it does get better and that I hope (if you are truly gay) that we can share our loving community together. I don't know you but I hope that you find love and that I love you as a person. Just remember, you are NEVER alone.
@BobbyFrost... I love your pic... absolutely the best. @Kylegf2011... I know they are your friends, but their attitude is not very healthy for you. It will make the process of coming out that much harder and longer. I would advice you to rather get better friends, or only hang out with those you are currently friends with that are more acceptable to gay people. You haven't describes your neighbourhood or environment, how they feel about homosexuality. If it is ok with most of the community then finding new friends easier.
I still secretly wish that I actually have people I can call friends that are going through the same thing. I think that's why I tend to imagine that all my buds are secretly jammed up in the closet too...helps sometime, but not the best idea. The fact that I exist means that you're not alone. Most of us have been in/is still in your situation. Don't fret it! Don't take things to heart...make life easier on you. Life will be hard if you take things too personally. The way I deal with this situation is just go with the flow, at least for now. I think I need to figure out what it is that I really want out of life first. I'm finding ways to build self-awareness and self-acceptance. I realized that's not easy to do, but, once I have acceptance, once I learn to be confident with every bit of me, I know I'll see that the defeatist feeling I feel now is just not the person I am. I believe that life is not unfair...it just like to deal different cards to different people. Once you learn to accept the cards dealt to you, life will be like a bright shiny day in the fall with falling leaves and a cool breeze.
frankly i hear homo and gay jokes a lot myself. some of the toughest guys i question. i've seen marines cry behind a hard shell. i've seen those tough guys be real saps behind closed doors with hurt feelings. i've been referred to as a homo a bit and it does hurt my feelings. after reading your post though, thinking about the homo sissy connection, its kind of funny. i would rather be called a homo anytime of the day then go to jail for not being tough and trying to prove myself physically. next, when it comes to picking up the opposite sex, how successful are these people? are they really successful only in your mind? when i reflect, its a fair playing ground. homo jokes do hurt, rather it be from non gays or gays, if you have some sense of identity in that word, its a crush to that ego, plus the defensive ego protecting you from the shame socially that is perceived. i feel more sorry for the guys who legitimately pick on someone because think about it, its a sign of weakness in them, not you. make sense? why attack a difference? what do they gain by really over powering you based on preferences that has nothing to do with whatever is going outside of the bedroom? what are you afraid of? are you really that repulsed or do you defend against your own possibilities of sexual attraction?
