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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 21st Aug 2011, 04:58 PM   #1
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Default I've just told my wife I am gay

I have been attracted to men ever since I can remember. But i did fall in love and marry a lovely woman. I have, throughout marriage had many visits to saunas and had many anonymous meets with guys. It has come to the point, at the age of 49, that I cannot continue with the double life. Some men I know are very happy to keep two separate lifestyles going...but it just does my head in. So I told my wife. Really bad timing as we are on holiday with in-laws, close friends and our boys. On the other hand...it has meant my wife has the support of loving family and friends. I am clearing my head for a few days...but will return to the family holiday...my my wife loves me a lot and wants me to be there with the family.
I am relieved that it is out in the open...and I have no more secrets...that is so freeing. I know there are going to be some very hard conversationsand decisions ahead...I would value any support any one has.
I feel like I have probably ruined many peoples lives.
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Old 21st Aug 2011, 05:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I can't give much advice, but I just wanted you to know how brave I think you are. If it's hard for us to come out of the closet, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for someone in your situation.

Congratulations! I think you did the right thing!
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Old 21st Aug 2011, 06:59 PM   #3
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I agree the cards will fall into place and remember everything happens for a reason
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Old 21st Aug 2011, 07:08 PM   #4
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I too think you did the right thing, and I hope all goes well for you.
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Old 21st Aug 2011, 08:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

You have indeed done the right thing. There are presumably some tough and uncomfortable conversations ahead, but now everything's on the table, and you can proceed forward without living the double life.

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Old 21st Aug 2011, 10:01 PM   #6
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I agree with Bowie. I think what you did was extraordinarily brave. And I don't think it means you love your wife any less. I think it means you love her more, BECAUSE you felt that she had the right to know. And its not going to be like an episode of "Happily Divorced" but it will work out in the end! Everything does!
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Old 21st Aug 2011, 11:34 PM   #7
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Thanks guys...lots of tears hear as you can imagine. I have been chatting to my wife and she still loves me very much, and ants me to join the family on the holiday. So, after a few days of getting my head round what has happened...I'll join my family again.
Thank you for the support.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 10:29 AM   #8
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I also admire your courage so much! You did the right thing for yourself, your wife and your children.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 10:52 AM   #9
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

I agree with everyone here, you have done an amazing, and courageous thing by coming out to your wife.

Understand this, you have not destroyed anyone's life, but only the facade in which that life perceives itself to be. Its going to scorn those around you a little, and some might be spiteful at first, but you are a good man, and from what you have said you plan on staying a part of everyone's life, and they will respect you for that.

An old friend of mine came out to his wife and kids, and they got divorced, but now today him and his wife are really good friends, and they do allot together with their new husband's, and his kids are some of the most accepting people I have ever met. So dont look at your situation as destroying their life, but bringing truth to perspective, and making everyone stronger and more accepting.

If everyone grows, its a good thing.
I hope that helped. You are already doing so fantastic.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 11:18 AM   #10
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Congrats on coming out. To be honest, if I was your wife it would be much harder for me to deal with the years of infidelity than it would be for me to deal with your sexuality. Did you tell her you've been cheating on her throughout your marriage together? If you haven't, you owe her that truth as well.

And it goes without saying, but I hope you used protection at all those bathhouses. If not, both you and your wife need to get tested...
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 11:45 AM   #11
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Hi Trebormints,

I don't know who you are, but I have to say that I am very, very, very... very, very very... proud of you. That takes a lot of guts, at the age of 49, and already being married, to come out like that. You are definitely a new source of inspiration for me.

Please keep us updated with your experiences. I am sure we could all benefit from your story.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 11:49 AM   #12
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

YES! Please let us know how everything works out. You're very courageous, and inspiring. If I could be have the man that you are, I would be set, for Life!
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 11:58 AM   #13
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

It's never too late to start your real life.
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Shelter me oh genius words, just give me strength / to pen these things, and give me peace to well her wings / and oh, oh carry on, all you minstrels of the world, we will catch our lady's ear, we will win for us the girl.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 12:17 PM   #14
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Overwhelmed everyone...thank you for the support.

the difficult bit will be telling my wife ive been having sex with men for years...its going to be a nuke...actually wondering how to handle it best.
I have been very careful re: safe sex etc...infact, just had my check up and all clear on everything.

its great to know there are guys and gals out there who understand. Please pray (if you pray!) for my wife. the boys dont know yet...i need to tell them at a different time.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 12:30 PM   #15
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trebormints View Post
Overwhelmed everyone...thank you for the support.

the difficult bit will be telling my wife ive been having sex with men for years...its going to be a nuke...actually wondering how to handle it best.
I have been very careful re: safe sex etc...infact, just had my check up and all clear on everything.

its great to know there are guys and gals out there who understand. Please pray (if you pray!) for my wife. the boys dont know yet...i need to tell them at a different time.
Keep in mind that admitting to your wife that you've had sex outside your marriage qualifies as adultery, which makes you the bad guy in court should your wife get nasty concerning the custody of your children or the division of your property in the event of a divorce. It's up to you how explicit you want to get in your confessions to her.

Your kids - that's a totally different story. I don't think it will help them in any way to learn that their dad stepped out on their mom with other men.

Honestly, it's not going to help your wife much either. But she's your lover, for better or worse, and deserves to know that you've been with other people. I'm sure that information will determine how your relationship plays out from here on. White lies here can prevent some hurt, but what is the point of tearing down one lie to tell more of them, even if they are lies of omission?
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 03:16 PM   #16
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Do you really have to tell your wife that you cheated on her?
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 03:27 PM   #17
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by Corporal Sparks View Post
Do you really have to tell your wife that you cheated on her?
You don't think she deserves to know?

Your call OP. It's your wife/best friend/lover/mother of your children. I just know that if my spouse had been cheating on me over a several year span, I would want to know about it.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 03:39 PM   #18
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by maverick View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corporal Sparks View Post
Do you really have to tell your wife that you cheated on her?
You don't think she deserves to know?
I think that shes got enough on her plate as it is. I say tell her at a later date.
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 07:34 PM   #19
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Thanks maverick and Corp sparks...I have to tell her everything...but not in detail. It is going to be devastating...and yes, I have been the adulterer here...been dishonest...broken most of our marriage vows.
The problem I now have with all this is I'm the one with new found confidence and release...my poor wife now has been dumped upon with the biggest, horriblist load of shit anyone can be given (well, almost).
I need to do it all sensitively as possible. She is an amazing woman...not a 'chuck me out' sort...and we have lots of love between us. This confession will answer lots of questions in her mind as to why things are the way they have been in our marriage (no sex between us for years, for example).
But, also, for her sake...she won't want all and sundry to know...so whilst I'd quite like to shout it from the roof tops...I can't for her sake. Only very special friends...and a few family members need to know.
We may well separate...and divorce. I would like to see my wife free to find a partner who will fulfil her in everyway...but, again, it might not be what she wants.
I dunno what's going to happen. For our boys sake we want to be careful...we also both have the most amazing friendship base...our friends are incredibly close to us and have supported through different issues with us.I think, with honestly, sensitivity and a lot of help from our friends we will be able to see this through...no idea what the out come will be. If I was my wife...I would get rid of me now...for being such a bastard...but, truly, my wife is and incredibly lovely and forgiving person.
Watch this space.
Rob
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Old 22nd Aug 2011, 07:44 PM   #20
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Default Re: I've just told my wife I am gay

Keep us updated, I'm interested to hear how it goes down. Sounds like you guys have a pretty good relationship, so I hope you can work something out for your kids' sakes.
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