I've been doing it for years without really paying attention to it, but this place actually opened my eyes and made me see a huge flaw in my personality. I made a thread a while ago titled "what if I don't want this life?" where I said I'm not even looking forward to life past coming out. I got some really great advice and I even planned to answer some of the questions and just finally discuss my issues with people, but after typing everything I felt so uncomfortable to post it. Even on the internet where everything is anonymous, I can't be real with people. I think there are two main reasons for that: 1) It makes me feel weird that someone I know might recognize me by the stuff I post. 2) I'm not proud of myself and how depressing I've become and don't want to introduce myself to people when I'm like this, even if I don't know anyone here. I see people here post their names, location, pictures so easily... but I'm just too uncomfortable giving away anything when I'm not proud of where I am at life right now. I even think my first post was anonymous and not here - see how crazy that is? Now, this goes WAY beyond Emptyclosets. I can't even say my AGE on the internet and I'd rather say "early 20s" than be upfront about my age, so you can only imagine how I've turned into a ghost in real life. I never gave myself the chance to be real in life and it explains how I ended up alone. I actually lost my identity and I don't know how many people here can relate to that feeling that I honestly don't want anything out of life anymore. Not because I'm so chemically imbalanced and need treatment, but the circumstances don't fit my expectations and I'm just not "real". I wish I was just being dramatic but it's who I've become. I typed some more about my situation but erased it again - exactly what I was talking about. I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm trying to get here, but I'm gonna post it anyway. If I don't reply or answer a question it's not because I don't appreciate the fact someone bothered to give advice, but because of the stuff I talked about here.
Hey not to be nosy but, are you on treatment? I am if that makes you feel a little more comfortable I have most of my life and it took a long time to find the right "cocktail".. im not pushing meds but.. anyways
I kinda feel the same way too. i've been struggling to ask for advice on here about whether or not to come out to someone for the first time. :/
It sounds like you are really struggling We are all here to support you, and love you for who you are, but you have to understand that nobody here is able to actually solve problems for you. We can all provide you with the tools, and support that you need to grow, but you must make the effort yourself to make the "helping" possible. Perhaps a good therapist is a wonderful idea (for anyone really, not just you), but since that is such a scary concept right now, why dont you just try and be more open with the people online here. Tell people more about yourself, and how you feel, and who you are. The more you open yourself emotionally, then less closed off you might feel. And if your fear is someone recodnising you in person, just realize that you will probably never meet anyone on EC, so it really is a safe place to be open, and true to yourself. I really hope you think about that, and I really hope that helped. Best of wishes,
First of all: (*hug*)(*hug*) While it's hard to realise that there's a lot of other really shy and withdrawn people out there, I don't think it's uncommon. I spent most of my time before the age of 24 or so really withdrawn (tough my friends tell me they didn't notice I felt like that, so I guess I was good enough at putting on smalltalk to hide it). To be perfectly honest: even now there's no shortage of times when I end up avoiding going anywhere and instead get pessimistic about: "what if this is as good as it gets?" I guess "alienation " is the best words to describe it. But: here's the thing: it does get better. Baby step per baby step, but it does. Obviously, now you look at my profile and see age, sex, out status, location, a self-pic-avatar, and there's even more pictures when you go to my profile page. However, that's the result of a large amount of small steps. When I first came here, all I had was my username, which is also my real name, but all that proves is that there's one Filip on EC, amongst the thens of thousands of Filips in the world. I think I went back and forth on displaying my age about a hundred times. I was here for quite a bit before I set my location. And the first pictures I put up were in a private album where only people on my friends list could see them. I actually edited out or changed minor details in my posts to mask any identifying information. So it was very much a progression of always testing the waters, going a tiny step further than I used to do, and then seeing the sky didn't fall. And slowly but surely, the reward was that I noticed I did start getting more comfortable with it. I got some wallposts that proved people read the stuff I posted and didn't mind that I was laying some of my problems on here. In fact, I'd say you got it the wrong way around: you don't open up after you've become open, out and happy. You open up bit by bit, and by doing so, become open and out and happy. So: give it a try! If you see someone whose advice you you like, give them a quick reply or a shout on their wall. Maybe consider putting up your age (you can set it to show just your age. Really: all that provves is that you're a gay guy of a certain age on the internet. That fits about 100,000 people, so it's almost mathematically impossible anyone recognises you from that). Try to ask for advice, even if it is only in the most general of terms. Try to stop before erasing and hit the "submit post" button instead. I can't guarantee you'll become a social butterfly overnight, but cracking the cocoon just a little can help a ton already!
