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Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by george678, Aug 22, 2011.

  1. george678

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    This is about my best friend we will call him J.

    Me and J are best friends and he recently split up with his girlfriend of 11 months her name is C.

    Now I have always perceived him to be straight until recently.
    Well I only started to have my suspicions when he broke up with C it was as if he was trying to tell me. Well first off before they even split up there was one day where C told J I was fancied him. (Which I did/do) and then when she said it I was like no I don’t J she’s joking. But he didn’t even care.

    Then when they split up he removed his “Interested in” part of Facebook where before it used to state women now it’s blank. Then we were talking one day and he just randomly started looking at the floor and said “I don’t know if I fancy girls anymore” I just thought he was joking and said back “Oh Mrs.Right will come along mate” “I don’t know” he replied.

    Then, before J and C were together he never used to ask me questions about being Gay and then after he has been asking what’s like and what it’s like to have an unaccepting dad. Then he was getting really into my Get real thing and then I think I told you I had to literally grab him that day he was going to go on an F-word rant to Mrs Taylor about them doing nothing on homophobia he was getting really into it. Which he never did before. :S He was also acting really flirty like acting really poofy around me. Then loads of other weird things have happened but I can’t remember well, then last night he sent me a text saying he’s missing me which again, he never has done before. Also, when he split up with C the only upsetting thing I saw was him wanting a hug then after that he seemed fine. Now is he trying to tell me something or am I just being silly? An unbiased / reality check answer would be fabulous!

    I dunno what to do? I don't want to damage our friendship.
     
  2. theWorldisYours

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    well it sounds like he came out to you

    Since you are gay, and out to everyone, you definitely know what the coming out process was like. J could use your friendship, and more importantly your support. If he says he doesn't like girls anymore, don't tell him he does, listen to him and let him know your there for him.
     
  3. Robert

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    Gay gay gay gay gay. Hes gay. Gay. Gay. Definitely gay. Gay gay gay gay. Gay.
     
  4. Dalmatian

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    It seems like you are pretty close and all the weird things you listed (if you are not picking up the ones that work towards you two ending together) seem as if he wants you two to be close. Now, that could be just a post-relationship brotherly need for being understood.

    Still, why don't you just talk to him absolutely openly? Tell him you want five minutes of complete sincerity, from both of you. Given all that he's told you, in at least he won't mind and maybe you even get what you desire.

    On a personal note, couple of weeks ago I told my friend I was desperately in love with him and he was very much ok with it although he pointed out at that he's not interested in a relationship with me. It made me even more open and relaxed around him, so it was the right thing to do. Well.. just a suggestion.
     
  5. george678

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    How do I go about this? Like in an email, considering we're both busy people at the moment.

    How do you know?

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2011 at 01:37 PM ----------

    We are close. Thanks for this advice.

    I must point out this conservation was a couple of months ago. Hence me wanting to know how to go about it again.
     
    #5 george678, Aug 22, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2011
  6. theWorldisYours

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    If you wanted to do it over e-mail, and you've said that this happened a while ago, I would say a little something like this: "hey that conversation we had a while ago about (fill in the blank) has been on my mind for a while. I think I may not have been as accepting as you wanted me to be, and if you do still have these feelings I'm always available to talk."

    Just let him know that you've been thinking about it, and maybe you didn't come off as you wanted to.
     
  7. maverick

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    Have to say, this is the impression I got too, particularly this part:

    I have never known a straight guy to tell ANY male friend that he was "missing" him. Maybe I'm just being homophobic against demonstrative straight guys...but in my entire life, I have never heard straight guys exchange an "I miss you" unless they were talking to their girlfriend.
     
  8. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Or maybe really good friends. I have seen on my friends' facebook walls that they have friends who say they haven't seen them in a while and they missed each other, and they are definitely straight.
     
  9. ezkill

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    Straight guys do tell each other that they miss each other, I see it all the time among my group of friends. It only happens around people they trust.

    Other straight friends feel too emasculated to say it.
     
  10. george678

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    Thanks Mate.

    I dunno I think it does happen.


    He also did not seem to be that upset that he split up with her. Are there any more tell tell signs I should look out for?
     
  11. acd92

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    Haha, from what I've heard, I'd have to agree with the general consensus and say that he is pretty interested, my friend. It can't hurt to just be up front with him and ask what's going on...you never know, he may just open right up and tell you!
     
  12. george678

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    So most of you think he is Gay.

    What if he said that because he was mentally upset about splitting up with C. That is what some other friends have said...thoughts? :slight_smile:
     
  13. Ichi42go

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    This one might be tougher than it appears. Your friends actually sounds just like one of my guy friends who was just dumped by his girlfriend recently, and he is 100% straight, with no doubt in my mind.

    When he was first split up, my friend went into a sort of cycle where he kept on talking about his ex, and then hating the topic entirely. He actually even took down his facebook thing saying he was interested in girls, but when he did, he commented under it that he "didn't feel interested in dating anybody for awhile". He has also been clinging to guys like a freaking life raft (mostly because without a girlfriend half of his social life went out the window). He also knows about me being gay and isn't in any way threatened or worried about it, and even jokes about how irresistible I must be to him (which..... he is way off... not my type, but I digress).

    Now the way he is acting right now, if I didn't know him so well, I would't be surprised if he was setting off a few pings on some people's gaydar, but I know from experience that that is not the case with him.

    I think what I am trying to say is that you need to be careful about how you read the clues. Yes, there may definitely be a good chance he is interested in men, or questioning himself, but there is an equal chance he is just going through some other thought processes that you might be reading wrong. I think the best thing you can do right now is make yourself receptive to him if you get the sense he needs to talk about something, but be careful not to lead any conversation in a way that hints you have a pre-conceived notion about him

    I think I was just being the devil's advocate here, but sometimes we see what we want to see before we consider the alternatives, and I just thought I would present a plausible situation. I don't know your friend, but I do know that IF he is questioning his sexuality, is going to need a friend who can be both objective and supportive.

    If he is hinting at it, just give him some time. You know how it is. :thumbsup:
     
  14. george678

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    Well this is what I mean I thought he was straight but now I'm unsure. Is he confused? Because we did only become friends really when I came out and now we are best of friends.

    I dunno how to ask him, I asked him today if he was ok because he didn't seem it (over email) he said he is fine and quickly asked me how I was.

    I feel crap if he is unhappy or confused I should be there for him. :icon_sad:
     
  15. Ichi42go

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    I would say that for now, you go with the flow of things. If he is down, and if it is for the reason you justifiably suspect, trying to pull him out of the closet by asking him upfront might cause more harm than good, and he might go deeper in and you could never get your answer.

    On the other hand, if he is straight and you ask him he might take the situation in the wrong direction, and push you and him further apart based on miscommunication on what tends to be a tough subject.

    Really, what I think the best thing for you to do is to continue to be his friend no matter what, and listen when he wants to talk. The fact you see a connection between your friendship starting and your coming out may mean that he trusts you as a confidant, but you know well that he needs to pick the time to say it himself, and once he does, that is when you can be openly supportive.

    I understand it is difficult to be passive when you perceive your friend to be troubled, but sometimes you need to be supportive in other ways. You may be 100% on the ball with this, I won't deny you that, but even if he is, it needs to be him telling you, not you telling him, because it is tough to find your identity alone, and needless to say it is made tougher when those around you are questioning it.

    Just be his friend, because likely that is what he needs most, especially if he is upset. You might find he is, you might find he isn't, but either way what he probably needs is somebody to listen when he is ready to talk, or at least somebody to be there when he gets through it in his own mind.

    :slight_smile: You can still be there for him even without him telling you what is wrong, and that's how you build the trust that eventually leads to full disclosure. You obviously care a lot about him, and no matter what he is going through, if you show that, he is much more likely to get through more quickly, and without bumps in the road.

    Haha, look, I know I got lost on the way out of the closet, and it took a lot of time and searching to find what I saw as the safest way out. If he is in the same boat... or wardrobe... just walk with him through the shelves and un-aired laundry, but let him find the exit on his own, when he is ready. I know it hurts to see him not acting like himself, and it is torture knowing you could help if he only spoke out, but that is the choice he needs to make. You seem like a good, properly concerned friend. Just know you need to be ready for anything, and whatever happens, try to make sure he is comfortable. That's the best advice I can give, because really, part of the problem is not you nor any of us can be entirely sure what is on his mind
     
  16. greeneyes

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    I agree with Ichi42go - I liked a guy and the attraction was mutual, but unfortunately he was going out of the country for several months. The only person I could really talk about this to was our mutual friend. We would meet for coffee/meals all the time to talk about him, and then I started liking her! I realized later what happened: I wasn't attracted to her, I was attracted to the guy and to the support she was giving me. I also realized that I wasn't completely straight. Everything became clear to me when I finally admitted all of my confusion to one of my friends (different friend), but it took a while for me to get to that point.

    I don't know if any of this is still happening, but YOU don't want to feel uncomfortable. One of my friends can be a little too touchy-feely at times, and although I like her a lot as a friend, I don't feel the same way. It got to a point where I felt uncomfortable, since I didn't want to be leading her on. At that point I made sure that I was clear with how I felt, since our friendship mattered more. You don't want to be taken advantage of if you're the only gay person your friend knows and shamelessly flirts with you.
     
  17. george678

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    Thank you both very much. I will let you know if anything does happen. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  18. george678

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    Update: Sent him the following email Friday. (Edited to for privacy) Still no reply.