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What defines 'coming out'?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by The Dudeh, Aug 22, 2011.

  1. The Dudeh

    The Dudeh Guest

    So this is something that I've wondered about for a while. When are you fully 'out'? When your friends know? When your family know? When your extended family know? It's something I've found pretty confusing and I'd like to hear all your opinions.
     
  2. Foxywolf

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    To me you are 'out' when you are no longer hiding. Being 'out' differs from person to person. Like for me, I can come out of hiding when all my close friends know (my immediate family knows), but not necessarily my whole extended family, just cuz they live on a different continent and them not knowing will not really hinder me or cause me to hide who I am. Sorry if my explanation is weird.

    You are out when you don't keep your sexuality hidden anymore. Not everyone in your life has to know, but you have to be open about your sexuality.
     
  3. maverick

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    I feel like I'm out to everyone, simply because if anyone ever asks, "Are you gay?" my answer to that question is, "Inevitably."

    Do I feel the need to go around waving a rainbow flag in sparkly spandex? No. Did I feel the need to ensure my employer would give me equal spousal benefits? Yes.

    I try not to "shove it in people's faces" as the straights like to say. I feel like as a butch I don't really leave much question about my sexuality and gender identity. If people want to ask me to my face (either to rebuke me or support me) I'll answer. Otherwise, the only people that need to be concerned about my sexual orientation are people who are romantically interested in me.

    If they aren't, it's really none of their business.

    Like with my extended family...the only way they'll find out I'm anything other than straight is if I bring home a girlfriend I am getting serious with. Otherwise, what business is it of theirs who I sleep with?
     
  4. Robert

    Robert Guest

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    Its when you feel comfortable enough to tell people who ask and people who you think deserve to know.
     
  5. TyRawr

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    I happen to fully agree with Corporal, you are fully out when you are no longer afraid of what people think.

    Accepting yourself is loving yourself.
    Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is "Do I love me?"

    In all seriousness, dont disregard that question.
    You are a beautiful sole, all people are born inherently nice, and wonderful, and we all deserve happiness and clarity.
     
  6. Phillip

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    Yesterday I came out to two of my friends. Before I hadn't shared this with a soul, and when I told the first person I felt myself become unafraid of telling others; people finding out I was gay went from my darkest fear to my proudest moment. This being said, I think that one has "come out" when one makes the step from self acceptance to self love. As TyRawr said "Do I love me?" It's a feeling that is unmistakable.
     
  7. Lexington

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    To me, being fully out involves two parts.

    1. The people closest to you know.
    2. You don't care who else knows.

    Both parts are equally important, I think. I know a lot of people early on adopt the "if anybody asks, I'll tell them" attitude, but it's hard to consider that "out" when those closest to them don't know, and hardly anybody asks. (It also seems that when people DO ask questions that provide easy "coming out" times, these people often find ways to duck them.) And also, I think it's important to not care about the periphery. I have no idea if the guy down the street knows I'm gay, or the guy behind the counter at the sandwich shop, or that cousin I haven't seen since I was ten. But I really don't CARE if they know. And that freedom of "worrying who knows and what they might think" is a vital part in being out.

    Lex
     
  8. maverick

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    This is the part I have the most trouble with. I honestly am at the point that I don't care whether my family members and close friends know that I'm gay. I don't care whether coworkers or people on the street know too. At this point, I just go around assuming that everyone else assumes I'm gay.

    But I can't bring myself to put a pride sticker on my car, or wear something snarky like, "Don't worry, my gay marriage won't affect your straight divorce," even though I'm usually VERY politically active and loud about every other issue under the sun. I have marched with anarchists, I have marched with undocumented immigrants, and all other manners of people...but the idea of being seen at a pride parade puts me in a cold sweat. Just too close to home I guess. It's easy to go to bat for black rights and compassionate immigrant reform, 'cause I ain't black OR a migrant worker. But actually associating myself with the oppressed minority I support? That's a horse of a completely different color.

    Likewise in my writing...I have written dozens of stories with dozens upon dozens of characters, but there is only two characters out of all the characters I've written that are less than straight. Why? Because I'm not comfortable portraying open homosexuality, either in my own life or (fictiously) in the lives of others.

    *sigh* I don't think I'm very out at all.
     
    #8 maverick, Aug 23, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2011