Timing of coming out to parents

OK, So there are two main issues here. I think you need to break them down and take one step at a time. Just for your information I m a long time depressive so I do know where you are coming from.

The issues are that you feel the need to tell your parents but that you need them to support you finally.
Firstly ask yourself if you really need to come out to ALL your family at once, could you not choose one of your family members to whom you are particularly close and start with them. Once you have support from some quarter you can progress from there.

Just one thing religious belief does not ALWAYS go hand in hand with being closed minded about homosexuality. Is there someone in your family slightly more open than others?

Secondly the financial thing. If your parents are worried about the 'neighbours' wouldn't throwing you out of the house and cutting you off without a penny be more scandalous in a religious community than having a gay son. Also it is not because you tell your parents that you have to hang a banner on the house proclaiming it to the world.

If you chose the more open minded of your parents and tell them, it might also be the moment to say that you do understand their position and social standing and that until they are ready you will respect their wishes for privacy and not openly flaunt your homosexuality.

Respect cuts both ways, if you know this will be an especially difficult thing for your parents to accept because of their religious beliefs, social standing, and general education you need to take these things into consideration and let them know that you don't wish to 'ruin' their lives with this or make them social outcasts nor the topic of gossip but that in the interests of honesty and your emotional well being you don't want to lie to them.

You must remember that you are talking about your PRIVATE life here so this information about your homosexuality can very reasonably be between you and your parents and your circle of friends which is no doubt not the same as your parents. If your parents are agreable you can make a fuller coming out once you have finished your education and moved away and the 'scandal' won't be so hard for them to bear.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk (*hug*)

 

Hi Gatorfan, welcome to EC! You've come to the right place! Well first I will tell you that coming out over the holidays is very common because that's when "family togetherness" occurs. You don't have to do it on Christmas but if you can find the right time say after the holidays, then I think that would be okay. I will be happy to mail you some information to give to your parents from PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends, of Lesbians and Gays), just PM me with your address. It's good to have information to hand your parents when you come out. Remember first and foremost your parents love you and even though this might be hard due to their religious background, that love usually prevails. My son came out in a fundamentalist religious family too so I know how scary that can be. If the worst should happen, and they cut you off financially then there are organzitions that grant scholarships to gay students who have been cut off from their parents. My best suggestion would be to get your parents some information to read before you come out. Tell them you are the same person you've always been that you have known you were gay for a long time and because you love them (and it's causing you depression), you need to be honest with them. You sound like a really good guy. Things are going to be okay. We're here to talk to and let me know if I can mail you out some info for your parents. (*hug*)

 

Hi Gatorfan,

As Becky and Louise have already pointed out, there are a few issues at play for you. I can't speak on the depression side of things, not that I haven't struggled with some mild depression, but I don't really feel qualified to address that topic. I can tell you about timing.

My first coming out happened last year at Thanksgiving with my best friend. She took it very well, so I thought I was ready to tell my parents. I told them right before I went home for Christmas and then we talked about it when I got home (I go to college 12 hours away). I don't see my family too much, so the holidays are unfortunately the best time to do this sort of thing. Anyways, my parents and I talked about my coming out (i did it through a letter) just before christmas day. It went ok, but then we didn't talk about it again until a couple weeks ago, and even then we still didn't really talk.

I don't think coming out over the holiday is a bad thing, if you do it right, it can be the best time.

I'm also not noticeably gay so I think my parents are having a hard time believing me, but I'm trying to get them to understand that I'm not a kid, I'm 21 and I think at this point in my life I know certain things.

As to the religious aspect, my parents are Catholic. My mom is pretty strict about religion too, but she is fairly open-minded. She did have the hardest time though when I first told them, she has a problem because she thinks its a choice and doesn't understand why I would make this choice. But then, my great aunt and uncle are religious catholics too and they accepted their son, it took them some time, probably a few years. They have really helped me in understanding what my parents are going through and have even offered to talk to my parents, I don't think mine are ready yet, but maybe soon.

I agree with Louise, maybe find someone in your family you think will support you best and go from there. I came out to my dad first because I suspected he would be the best with it, and he has been, although not as good as I'd hoped. Don't do what I did and go in with high hopes, it really hurt when my parents' reaction didn't live up to my expectation. The good thing is you have found this site before you came out and can educate yourself. I didn't do that first and so my coming out didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

I am not financially dependent on my parents right now b/c I'm on full scholarship, but that being said, if my school found out I was gay, I'd be kicked out on my ass and have to pay back my scholarship, so I do understand the pain to some extent. I would be financially dependent on my parents then, although I've made some emergency funds so if I have to I can go make it on my own. I think you just have to realize that your personal and emotional welfare have to come first, then other things seem to fall in place.

Anyways, hoped that helped some. If you have any more questions you can PM me. Good luck.

 

Oops, it might not have been the most ideal way to come out, but let us know how it goes.

I'm hoping for the best for you.

 

(*hug*) Sometimes, don't you just hate snoopy mothers?

First of all, take some deep breaths. You're going to be just fine. You'd already planned to tell them sometime soon anyway from what I've read, right? Although it obviously wasn't planned this way, at least the cat's finally out of the bag (or the closet). The first thing I would recommend that you do is damage control. Your mother may be in as much (or more) shock than you are right now. You've had some time to cope with your sexuality and have partially prepared mentally for coming out. On the other hand, she's just been dropped into the dunk tank. If you can find the courage, it would be best if you sat down with her and discussed everything to clear the air. Now that she knows, she may quickly build up a wall of denial or anger that will make your official coming out that much harder. If you can't do that, at least consider what you would say if she confronts you directly about it. Having a gameplan is key.

We're all here for you. Please let us know how things are developing. I really hope you get through this with as little pain as possible. (&&&)

 

That could be a good thing. However, like Astaroth said, try some damage control, talk to your mom and see how she feels.

Hope everything goes well, let us know if we can help.

 

Gator....it might be good for your mom to read some of the posts here! So let us know what's happening!!!

 

Yea tell us how she's taking the news. Good luck!

 

Aww, that is sad. Well, she'll hopefully come around.

Just keep in mind that your parents would have known eventually. This is probably the reaction they would have if you had told them another year down the road instead of them finding out now. You're just getting it out of the way a little earlier than anticipated. Keep talking to them and let them know you're the same person you've always been, and you're just being honest with them. Tell them you love them, too. That's important. Maybe give them PFLAG material.

We're here to support you.

 

Narth is the biggest crock of B.S.! Gator, there is a guy Peterson Tuscano, who might be able to give you some good advice. Google him and e-mail him. He has been through those ex-gay programs and now does a comedy show about it. He is also in this DVD called "Fish Can't Fly" that you need to order for your parents ASAP. www.fishcantfly.com Check it out.

 

Hey Gatorfan. The ball is certainly in your parents' court as I see it. If they don't like who you are because of this one dimension of your life, it's their problem. I wouldn't agree to see someone to get fixed... You don't need to be 'fixed'.

I guess I have a hard time believing that any family that is well to do and has brought up their kids the best way they know how would turn their back on them completely! I suppose it does happen - but it just breaks my heart to think about it. I couldn't abandon my daughters over something like this.

Just keep being the great son that you've always been. Show them that you haven't changed, but that you're happier and more at peace now that this isn't a secret being kept from them. My hope is that they'll come around.

In the mean time, hand out here for a while. This is a great place for support and 'venting'.

 

Hey... Let me tell you that the best thing to do with your situation is be uber-nice to your family. It will make it so much easier. I would also recommend looking around for a priest that is pro-gay, and have him do a little mentoring with your parents. Even a 5 minute phone call has the potential to make them so much more open.

Just act the way you've always acted around your family and hopefully they will come around

 

I'm really sorry to hear how your parents are handleing this. My parents although they reacted much better than yours, made me go so my church Deacon and my old Pediatrician (she does Counseling as well). I went to make them happy, and actually the two of them were very good giving me advice. At least my deacon didn't try to tell me I was wrong, although he didn't say it was a good thing. He basically summed it up as everybody sins. My doctor did a much better job and basically told me to give my parents a year to get used to the idea (well here we are a year later).

Anyways, my point is, your situation is much worse considering your parents are asking you to go to reparative therapy basically. I would ask them if they'd meet you half way and let you go to a normal therapist, one that won't try to change you. Maybe they can even do some group counseling with you and your parents.

Good luck and try to stay positive, I know its hard when your parents say things that are so awful, but hopefully in the end it all works out.