1st of all I´m from Brazil and sorry if I make any mistakes in English... Branconegro is the color of my closet, means whiteandblack... So where should I start? My life now is OK, but 4 or 5 days ago was misarable. It´s like a cycle that I´m stock since my 14,15 years(back than I didn´t know I what I was, but I already knew I was different) , days of hapiness, day of sadness and days that I feel like I´m not going anywhere... So like I said, since my 14´s,15´s, my life changed in soo many ways that I cant even describe... before I had this pression to be a man (and that´s mean to be a straight man), I was a happy kid, everything was or at least seems to be so easy,life was great, i dreamed about my future and others stuffs, even when this future was a straight future(a woman and kids), but know isn´t... is true that latelly,last 2 years I have improve a lot the relationship that I have with myself, i´m 20 and i know a learned a lot of life these last years, how i have to trust myself, how i have to be more patience, that life isn´t a faire tale and trying a lot to improve and respect my relationship with others, but still is too hard... All these cycles that I have are better and worst at the same time, cause when I was 15 or 17 i didn´t care that much about life and a reacted like "i hate life and wont do anything cause life s*cks!", but know, even though i learned a lot, i dont have the option to "quite life" like i thought with suicidals thougths when i was a teen or just to runaway from my parent´s house..but i still cant handle this "1 step forward, 2 steps back"...1 month i´m OK, the other life is too much pain... and evthing, from my relationship with people,to my college are affected...not to talk about my mental health... I know that the main reason for all this is: i can´t come out. To come out is not an option for me... at ALL!! My parents are homofobic, not that kind that: homossexual deserve death, but they dont like, they dont wanna have homossexual friends and everything that is related to a fag is bad, nothing is good... If i make a list about all the times that i listened from my dad´s mouth that: fag are this or this only could be a fag thing and most of the time he puts an angry face talking about it. Like someone talks about someone (who is gay) and then he says: Yeah, but he is a fag... everytime he says this it´s like i knife in my heart and the worst is that before when i didn´t came out to myself(when i was 18) it hurted, but not that much... but now is too much pain! He´s completely against gay marriage and well... we dont have a relationship, his is more than a guy that i life with than a dad.. My mom is more open, but still thinks that homo is an option and that are a lot of things related to "fags" are bad.. other day, the brazilian government tried to create a program for public schools to teens accept and respect more gay people, at one educational video there was a gay kiss.. as you can imagine, the conservative society started its own public drama telling that the government was trying to educate teens to became gay, my mother, who by the way is a teacher, had the SAME thought!!! and my sister, who i always thought was more "liberal" had the same thought too. Her husband actually said "now kids are gonna learn how to kiss a guy?".. i was like WOW!!! My friends are the same thing, most, not to say all of them are very homofobic(sometimes i wonder in what kind of society im living), they accept but i already heard many times that: dont wanna a gay friend, child or to stand close to any kind of gay... so you can imagine how i´m... i know that today is waaaaaaaaay more better than how it was in the past, but still... the only way that can bring me freedom is when i will be able to pay my own bills, till there it will take at least 4 years, at least(i´m at college now)...and i don´t know how to handle until there, everyday i wake up and think is just another day, it will get better and in a not so distance future i´ll have someone to love, kids and everything... My parents knows that i´m not "right", they know im not happy that im very angry or depressed, but i cant tell them why... i never had a girlfriend, but i make out with girls...so people still dont think any other thing about me, even though is very weird for me not to have a girlfriend till today... people are always asking "where´s your girlfriend? why dont u have one?".. my mom, the other day said: "the woman who get marry with you will be so lucky" that´s because i do a great pasta, and i was thinking, that point is there won't be a woman... Also, although i live in a city with 1.5 million in metro aerea, is still a "small big city", i cant have a "double life", it would be just a matter of time to someone find out... The only way that life seems to progress is when a focus on study and more study and delete all the gay messages in my head.. but then i reach a point that i need someone to love! and the whole world falls apart again.... so, i know im not the only person in the world with problems and shouldn´t be soo selfish thinking that i´m, but what do i do?
Welcome to EC! I am glad you found our community because it sounds like you are really going through a rough period in your life right now, and I hope that we have some advice to offer you, and certainly if not that plenty of support. Many people find or found themselves in your position, including myself, suffering from some sort of depression related to their sexual orientation, especially if they are not out yet. It is not surprising considering how much emotional energy we have to spend hiding these feelings, and then deny ourselves the love that might help as through this. I don’t know much about the medical system in Brazil, but I would suggest seeing some sort of mental health professional. If you aren’t sure how to do this, there are number of other members from Brazil in this community. This can serve two purposes: the first is to diagnose any medical condition you have and if you see a psychiatrist or social worker you could use that as a safe space to talk to another person in person about your struggles. I think this would be especially helpful since you have had this problem for so long. My second observation is that you don’t have to give up as much of your future as you think. This was the revelation that allowed me to become much more comfortable with the idea of being gay. I don’t know about the specific situation in Brazil, but I suspect that at a minimum, if you come out the closet, having a long term partner is within grasp, and recently there has been a lot of progress as far as marriage goes, which means that same sex parenting probably will become more widespread as time goes on. This has certainly happened states-side, and I look forward to one day marrying and having a family of my own. While you might have to put it off for the moment, don’t give up your dreams of having a family. Much of homophobia is predicated on ignorance. Both science and experience have shown that if a person knows someone who is gay, this is the best predictor of the person’s acceptance of homosexuality. Through this they understand that contrary to the stereotypes that are often passed around in society, gays are just normal people who happen to like someone of the same sex. In a letter I am writing to my parents I use the line: “the only thing that will really change about me is that I will be happier because I will no longer have to repress these feelings.” It is also important to get them to understand that this was not a choice. There is plenty of scientific research to indicate this. For instance the American Psychological Association, which represents more than 150,000 psychologists has endorsed the view that sexual orientation is not a choice and is fixed an early age and likely form birth. All of this is to not to say that it will be easy. Your parents, given their beliefs, will likely go through the stages of loss with denial and anger being the first two (followed by bargaining, depression, and acceptance). So while it may not be easy, don’t say that you can never come out of the closet. Now, however, may not be the time. My final suggestion is to write. I have found this to be incredibly helpful in my struggles with my sexual orientation. Writing allows me to solidify my thoughts by forcing me to express then as words rather than just as ideas, and each time I write them down, I also clarify them. We are always here for you. You only need to ask for help.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place for sure!!! You are, indeed, in a very difficult situation. I can totally understand why you would be feeling do down and depressed - you are constantly receiving the message that being the way you are (gay) is WRONG! But the fact of the matter is - it is NOT wrong. It is simply different from what the majority of the population understand. What I found is this - the better I felt about myself and the more self confidence I could develop, the less I cared what other people around me thought about me. So that's something for you to work on. One way to do that is to hang out here in Empty Closets. We're all gay / bisexual / transgender and we're pretty awesome. And if you hang out here, and come to agree with me that we're pretty awesome, then you'll be able to see that you're pretty awesome too - 'despite' the fact that you're gay. I know it's a lot easier for me than it is for you - and I feel bad about that. I live in a country and a society that is far more accepting than the one you do (from the sounds of it). I'm also older, and financially independant, so it doesn't matter as much what my friends and family think. So stick around here and participate in this forum. Just doing that will make you feel better. It did for me!
So, thanks everyone for being supportive. Is the first time I actually talk about this with someone. I do think a lot of times to look for psychologists but I´m afraid that if I tell him/her I suddenly would start to think that I have to talk about it with friends or my family and I don´t get enough support or even worst things. So that´s the reason I avoid to look for someone to talk, even a doctor. I do keep like my “personal diary” that I write in a mix between Portuguese, English and French. So anyone, but me, can´t understands it. It does help me a lot. Accept me as a gay is not an issue anymore for me, since I came out to myself was like taking a whole world from my back and that´s what still keep me up. Actually the happiest moment that I have are when I dream about my future, at my house, in a job that I like, kids and finally someone that I can love with no regrets. But is like a fight in my head, sometimes I just would like to be who I am without being an issue, like “You know what? It´s your life, you don´t have to talk to anyone about it.” But then, came this whole pressure to be afraid that someone could find and I wouldn´t have the control of my life anymore. Thanks for everything, telling my story and reading the other ones is making me feel way more better, cause unfortunately I´m not the only one with problems. Is good to see that sooner or later, everyone can find their keys to open the closet.
I don't know how it is where you're from, but here, your pschologist/doctor/therapist/counselor is legally forbidden to talk about what you tell him/her unless it's about someone getting harmed. Maybe try going to see a therapist. It might really help you. Otherwise, definitely stay spend some time here on EC. There are a lot of people who will really understand what you're going through
Here is the same too. But the reason is: if I tell a therapist(here therapist and psychologist are the same) I would be like, if I told her/him, I can tell someone else but suddenly not get support from the person I told or even get, but when it comes the time to tell my parents, it wouldn´t be the right time cause they wouldn´t be acceptive at all.
