1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Has anyone given up looking for an partner?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fiddlemiddle, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. fiddlemiddle

    fiddlemiddle Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2011
    Messages:
    186
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Has anyone given up looking for an partner? Me I have as every one I have looked for just was an disapointment for me. I have been crushed with the last one recently and sick of game players. I just effing over drama and stuff like that. Me I rather not worry about finding someone and intend to stay single.
     
  2. Hazel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Yeah, I thought about it for awhile. I think a fair deal of people have at one point or another. Really, though, getting bad apple after bad apple is often something that can be remedied - it's not like the whole world is composed of awful, awful people. :wink: Part of my problem was that I was giving people I knew were of suspicious character sympathy chances because I was sure they couldn't be "all that bad" and getting burned for it. Lesson learned.

    Take as much time for yourself as you need and hop back on the market with a new strategy. Your dating life will probably be much better for it.
     
  3. Zontar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    1,802
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Binghampton, NY
    You and I both. Eventually, I'm gonna tire of the constant rejection.
     
  4. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    NO! Don't EVER give up on the thought of finding someone!!! Because I firmly believe that you will.

    However, I also believe that you're more likely to find that special someone when you're NOT actively looking for them. Instead, they seem to find you. They might be a 'friend of a friend' or someone you meet at work. They might be someone you meet by playing a sport or participating in some kind of social or special interest club.

    So don't write off the idea of meeting someone. Remain open and available to people in all aspects of your life - and you never know who you might meet tomorrow.

    I should add that you're still relatively young. I didn't meet my wife until I was 25, and at that point I hadn't even figured out which gender I should be dating. I didn't find my husband (LOVE using that word!) until I was in my mid / late 30s - and I'm happier now than I've ever been. Yes, I used to wish (at your age) that I had someone special in my life. But now, in hind sight, I'm glad that my life took the exact path that it did, as I've ended up with someone who I know is perfect for me.
     
  5. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2004
    Messages:
    6,885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I completely agree with Jim. The more you look the less you will find. So stop looking, but still keep going to places where other gay people go. Go along with the intention of having a good time and maybe making friends. Somewhen, when you least expect it, you may meet someone. And you will have a better social life and probably be less bothered about the lack of partner.
     
  6. Danny19

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2010
    Messages:
    431
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    i dont really look but i do really want one. and i wouldnt wanna give up. ive never been in a relationship with a dude and i really want to be in one and experience it
     
  7. Messed Up

    Messed Up Guest

    Amen, FiddleMiddle.

    I’m tired- rather be alone...
     
  8. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    yes fiddlelysticks i have given up on a partner. it's kinda relieving to be honest. not having the hope, the what if's or the "could this be the day i meet the person i have been longing for." i hate to say it but i see gay life as a sex driven existence. even though i am not sexual active at this time nor do i want to be, i do see it as a "you better get the sex you can get while you're still hot cuz when you get over a certain age and you're not hot anymore noone is going to want you.." existence.

    i do not try anymore. i was the naive nice guy that thought, "ok i would give this person the benefit of the doubt" and everytime i was played like a flute. i no longer approach anyone and i used to do this in the past. it led nowhere. now if someone is interested, they have to initiate. i no longer do it. i dont care how long you wait, stand there, look around, or whatever, you want to do, i'm not going to talk to you until you talk to me first. i used to be that guy that thought, "ok, i see someone i like, i will go up and strike up conversation." what i relaized is that most of these guys are just game players or losers anyway so even if you pull them in, you aren't pulling anyting worthwhile to begin with.

    im slowly accepting solitude. i have begun to see gay men as only sexual objects now. i do not have sex so i'm not using them for that, but to me that's all they are good for.

    ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2011 at 05:25 AM ----------

    oh and to all you people that say that b.s. "i'm not looking, when you look you don't find" bull. save that line of bull for someone that is stupid. personallly i dont want someone who is not looking. if you are not looking that means you are not actively interested in a long term relationship, you're "ok with whatever comes your way". thats good if that's what you want, but i dont want that and dont want to be with someone like that. i want to be with someone that knows what they want so when they find it they are ready to move forward. that's like asking the miner "um sir what are you doing in this mine are you looking for gold." and the miner replies...."oh no, i'm not looking for gold, i'm just sitting in this tunnel hanging out but oh, yea, if some gold happens to come my way, i'm open to getting it." lol. let's just say, noone is going to hire that miner. you want someone that wants what you want and not someone that says "oh its whatever". you people are full of defecation. the ole "im not looking for anything right now" basically equates to..."i'm not interested in a long term relationship but if i see someone that i wanna have sex with i'll have sex with them." i personally think people are tired of rejection and have heard other people use that stupid, "im not looking for anything" line. well that line is a lie. everyone is looking for something. they are looking for no strings attached sex, looking for a dance partner at the club, looking for a partner, looking for a sugardaddy, looking for something so get the #bleep# outta here with that I"m not looking for anything crap and try and sell it to some other person that aint stupid.
     
  9. Foxywolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2011
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York State, near Rochester
    I don't think you should give up! And by the way, all you people who have given up. You are making me depressed :frowning2:
     
  10. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, it's a cliché! Usually that means that beyond the 5% core of truth, it's 95% bull if you try to implement single-line advice to something as complex as dating.

    All too often, people seem to interpet it like you say: they adopt it as a pose to play hard to get. Or they profess to give up on finding a partner and then sit home, looking at their watch while secretly thinking: "hey, I stopped looking, when is that boyfriend going to arrive?". Or they use it as an excuse to let the other party do all the work.
    And all of those are destined to fail, for pretty obvious reasons.

    Personally, though, I do think there's such a thing as "trying too hard". A lot of people seem to see dating as "filling that boyfriend-shaped void next to me". And then, if someone vaguely looks their way, they try to do everything in their power to cram that guy in there. Either by trying to conform to the other guys wishes to be more appealing, or by trying to force the other party to conform to their own wishes. And that never works.

    So what "don't actively look" means for me is that it's no use in seeing every gay guy as a potential partner. I don't need to think about dating someone just because I share two or three interests with them. And neither do I owe anyone a date just because we both happen to be gay.
    If there is a guy I click with, I'll totally take some effort in doing things together, helping out with problems, and using our free time to hang out until the cows come home. I'll look for that perfect birthday present to show I really care. But there should also be some ease in doing this. I should want to be with "that specific guy" and not "get a boyfriend ASAP". At all times there's things I won't compromise on, and neither do I expect the other guy to compromise. And neither should push the other one into rushing in to things.

    To use your miner metaphor: good miners follow their plan. They go to work every day, making an honest effort to dig, taking the nuggets of gold they can get, and, if possible, cautiously keep an eye open for the mother lode. However, they follow safety procedures. They do not rush into collapsing shafts or work 24-hours shifts in a desperate attempt to find it, however. Because that's the best way to die before getting rich. (okay, and with that, I probably mangled the metaphor to death :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)

    So the tldr, and my answer to the OP: Giving up is not something you should ever do. It pays to keep up hobbies and activities and if along the way someone interesting comes along: go for it, make an honest effort, but not at any cost. Never lose track of yourself.
     
    #10 Filip, Aug 25, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2011
  11. maverick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Messages:
    1,643
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama *cue banjos*
    I have never actively looked for a partner. All of my relationships are driven by natural interaction.

    And like Filip said, most people I've seen "play the game of love" usually end up losing. It's the people who go about their everyday lives satisfied with who they are as a single person who end up randomly finding Mr. Right (Or Ms. Right, as the case may be).

    The dating game is boring, contrived, and superficial to me. I don't think I could make an honest connection with anyone if I was constantly trawling the bars and clubs for arm candy. Because outside of the club, who the hell is that person, anyway?

    Most of my romantic interests stem from common intellectual interests, so I try to stay involved in random stuff to put myself in a position of interaction (church, hobbies, volunteer work, fitness, etc...) should the right person come along.
     
  12. Beertruck

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2010
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    new jersey
    There's an often overlooked but very important implication behind "once you stop looking, you'll find someone," and that is you have to be okay with being alone. More specifically, being alone with yourself.

    As Filip and others were saying, if you're looking to fill that boyfriend-shaped void next to with the first person that looks over, you're going to find yourself unhappy because its probably not a boyfriend-shaped void - it's validation, to the world, that someone wants you, that you are worthy of being loved, and more importantly that you NEED that validation.

    But if you build up your self esteem to the point where you're going "yeah, okay, I'm a pretty awesome person and I want to share that with some equally awesome people" then I'm willing to bet you're going to look past the game players, the hotties with the horrible personalities and see the awesome people you've been missing before. Hence, you have to be okay with yourself first. :slight_smile:


    EDIT: Essentially what Maverick wrote above me. XD
     
  13. Ben

    Ben
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2008
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm sure actively looking for someone can work out pretty well. More than a few people have found someone special through forms of dating, clubs and whatever.

    Then again, plenty of people find someone just around and about. And if so many people just so happen to bump into the love of their life because they live next door or are in the same Greek class, then it's not so far out to lead your daily life happily and just come across that person eventually.

    It should be fine to go looking for someone. Just don't get too strung up on the whole thing. No matter how long it takes, most people seem to think it's worth the wait.
     
  14. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    You've totally missed my point. Filip restated it effectively though - there is such a thing as trying too hard.

    You might not want to discount the advice of someone who likely has a lot more years of life experiences under their belt, and who recently married a fantastic, quality guy.

    My husband was a friend before he was a boyfriend. We met not because we were looking for a hook up, or giving each other 'the look' at a gay bar. We met because we faced a common problem - we were gay dads trying to work through the transition of coming out as married men. I was 6 months ahead of him in the whole process, and offered to be someone he could talk to and bounce things off of.

    It's not that we weren't interested in some day having a long term relationship with someone. But that wasn't the purpose of us getting to know each other.

    But when we got to know each other by spending time together talking, we came to realize that we enjoyed each other's company. We laughed about the same things. We liked to do some of the same things. We found each other charming and funny and interesting. And THEN we started to find each other attractive - and began to think that there could be something more for us to pursue in our relationship with each other.

    THAT is what I mean when I say that you don't need to be actively looking for a boyfriend in order to find a boyfriend. Does that now make sense?

    Our relationship was based on honesty and respect. Common beliefs. An intellectual connection. All of that takes time, and none of those things are recognizable through a 'look' at a gay bar or a quick 'grope' on the dance floor. Those things can be fun and exciting, but what a lot of people have found is that they don't necessarily evolve into a serious meaningful relationship.

    The other point I'll make is that my husband and I are 42 and 40. 'Over the hill' I'm sure in many people's estimation. But we find each other extremely attractive and sexy, and we certainly don't feel like "nobody wants us". We want each other, and we have a pretty amazing sex life. So there is a gay sex life after 29 (or whatever age you think is the limit).
     
  15. Leif

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Middle of nowhere Australia
    I Very much understand the feelings of the people here saying they have or want to give up. I've been through similar feelings in my life. You're tired of being used, tired of waiting and tired of putting so much effort into something that just seems to lead nowhere. It just gets annoying. Holidays like Valentines day just feel like their rubbing your misfortune in your face. Every corner you turn there is another couple holding hands. And you start to learn to ignore it and accept that you're alone. Every so often though something hits you and you get that feeling of just wanting someone there. I lived like that for quite a while.
    So I kept myself busy.

    A lot of people above me have said it, you have to be comfortable with yourself. Just be you. Be happy with being you. Live your life. Not everyone is the outgoing club type, I'm sure as heck not. You can meet people in the oddest situations and you never know what will become of your relationship. Cliche, but only time will tell.

    Back in the day I worked at a thrift shop and there was a gay couple that would come in every Tuesday. They were in their mid to late 40's. We became friends and after a few months I asked them how they had met. They both laughed. Apparently when they first met they Hated each other, one had rear ended the others brand new car. It was bad, it went to court. They wrote angry emails to each other, which turned into emailing each other about their problems. And somewhere down the line, they started to forgot they hated each other and started becoming friends. They started hanging out, so much that their friends and family thought they were dating so they decided to just go with it. At the point when I'd met them they'd been together for six years.

    Alright, sorry for rambling a bit with that story, but my point is that you really never know what can happen. Life is a odd thing and the crappiest of situations can turn into something wonderful.

    Sometimes we feel like giving up for a while and honestly I think that sometimes that can be a good thing. It's good for us to take a step back and learn to appreciate ourselves. I also personally know some people that are much older and have been single most if not all of their lives. We're all different, we all have different paths. It's all a matter of finding the balance between being our own person and keeping an open mind and heart to what may happen.
     
  16. maverick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Messages:
    1,643
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama *cue banjos*
    And I personally don't want someone who is, or someone who is more focused on "where our relationship is going" than deepening it in the present moment and finding out if we actually have the chemistry to make it go the distance. The "man-hunt" (or female equivalent) comes off as desperate and possessive to me, even sexually predatory, which is not a turn-on.

    That's not true. I'm not actively looking, but I am interested in a long-term relationship. And I'm certainly not "okay with whatever comes my way", because if I was, I'd probably be married by now.

    What makes you think people who are not actively looking for a long-term relationship don't know what they want? I'm not obsessed with finding a wife and I don't go around worrying that I won't find one, but I know that I will probably want one when the right person comes along. (Aka, when my wife comes along, not the first dancing hall girl I share any kind of physical attraction for.)

    "Not looking" does not equate to "not interested".

    I personally think you're projecting a little.

    ^ +1000.

    Word.
     
  17. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    hello, nice posts by others. i was in a bad place when i wrote that. although i do still feel the same sentiments the posts by others were really helpful. i am not comfortable with myself. in fact im very uncomfortabel with myself. i dont need to be "looking" for anything right now but inner peace. i do agree that although the gay dating hasn't worked out and has mentally and emotionally drained me, the overall process of just not being interested in anyone right now anymore is actually a bit of a good thing and bad. i am not that excited about anyone anymore. it's all "whatever". i used to be excited. but no longer. after my feelings have been stumped on by dudes over and over, i kinda stopped caring. oh well. good luck with eveyone else. sounds like you'll meet some great people.
     
  18. fiddlemiddle

    fiddlemiddle Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2011
    Messages:
    186
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    thanks for the input everyone. Jim I am happy you in an LTR and Flip yes alot of people out there "trying too hard" to get into an relationship. Feelingdown last post I feel the same way as you sure this is such an common story among single people.
     
    #18 fiddlemiddle, Aug 25, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2011
  19. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I never went looking for a partner. Ever.

    My mind set could best be described as follows. "I'm happy with my single life. However, if the opportunity for a good relationship comes along, I'm interested." And for many years, I was simply single. And happy. But on two occasions, I met somebody, I clicked with them, and I felt a relationship with them would be a good idea. The first one only lasted about a year, and it didn't go all that great. The second one is in its fourteenth year, so I'd say I'm doing OK there. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  20. Gay Boi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2011
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I haven't given up, just not actively trying to find one