Yo, I'm a 24 year old male, and I still am having trouble with my sexuality. I need to get past this as it can really trip me out at points an I want to know. I really don't care what other people think of me anymore although I have developed a very "straight" persona that would be difficult losing. I've struggled with questioning my sexuality on and off since I was about 9 when a neighbor kid kind of initiated me into sort of a homosexual thing. Ive never conciously had a crush on a guy, always on girls since then but The fear of being gay has worried me for a long time but rarely did I actually believe it could truly be possible. Recently I heard this story about Fran dreschers husband who came out after twenty years of marriage, that tripped me out hardcore, I don't want to be that guy. I wa's in a relationship a few years ago and wanted to get the issue figures out once and for all so I found some random dude on the street and told him I wanted to try sucking a dick, I tried it for about 15 seconds at the most and couldn't get into it, he then tried sucking me off and I couldn't get hard, keep in mind I wa's very drunk (I don't have problems getting it up while drunk though). Anyway I thought this was solid proof, but the nagging thoughts didn't go away "what if I'm not being true to who I really am?" I often wondered. Now sometimes I'll feel like there's no way I could be gay and sometimes I feel like I must be. When I watch movies I often "feel" like the girl in a romantic scene and it makes me uncomfortable. I've ejaculated to gay porn probably about ten-twenty times, I have to be in the right mindset but I have and sometimes the orgasm seems more powerful. My dreams are littered with my fears of it, of sucking a penis basically. The fear of being attracted to that, but I don't want to experiment cos it didn't work out well last time. The basic thing I'm attracted to I guess is the idea of sucking a penis, or some sort of oral thing. And I wake up in the morning with an intense fear of it that usually subsides an hour or so after being awake. I watch a lot of straight blowjob porn too. I told everybody that I sucked someone off, didn't keep it a secret. And at points having sex with a girl I feel like "I can't be gay" but then at points the fact that I may be trips me out, sometimes I can't come during sex either. I know this is pretty incoherent, but I need to figure this out, I don't want to be in denial, or thinking I'm someone I'm not till I'm 40 years old and then have an "oh I'm gay" moment. It freaks me out. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Oh and one more thing-(sorry for the length btw) when I'm really worried about it I repeat over and over "im gay, I'm gay" in rapid succession and it sometimes calms me down, and when I get to a place of accepting that I could be and it doesn't matter. I feel this warm tingly feeling. there we are all the evidence I have for being gay is contained in these two posts. I don't want to include the arguments for being straight I just want to know if this means I'm gay. Has anyone been through anything similar?
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're in the right place. My suspicion, based on the way you've stated your situation, is that you are probably gay. The reason I say that is it sounds like you've thought about it a lot, some part of you feels a strong attraction to men, but another part of you is upset or revulsed by the idea. The confusing thing is that our mind can play really crazy tricks on us to help support the denial. In other words, it's safer to keep putting up resistance than to simply accept the idea. I wouldn't put much stock in the experience you had with the one guy. It sounded like a quickie encounter, done on the spur of the moment, and there wasn't really any attraction there. If you think about it there are plenty of straight guys who aren't in the slightest attracted to some girls, so the same holds true for gay guys. You've mentioned watching both straight and gay porn, and that you seem to focus on the blowjob content in the straight sex, so that also tends to point toward being attracted more to guys than girls. What do you fantasize about when you're masturbating without watching porn? (Or if you never masturbate without porn, try doing that and see what sort of thoughts and images come to mind...) I wouldn't stress too much. You're thinking about it, you're analyzing it, and you're trying to come to terms. That's exactly where you need to be. I think as long as you're voicing the questions and concerns, the real answer, whatever it is, will begin to make itself more clear as you spend more time contemplating. If it would help to talk one-on-one, you can feel free to PM me or any of the other advisor team here and we'll be happy to help.
When I masturbate without porn I usually think of girls, I switch between lesbian and blowjob porn a lot, like when a girl is desperate for it that really turns me on. I have thought about it a lot though and that worries me, i don't know if my minds playing tricks on me or if I'm just trippin. Even when you say "you're probably gay" my gut reaction is "I don't actually think i am" not in an afraid of it way, but almost in a laughing it off sort of way. I've had the chance to be with guys and not felt like going for it, like I said I need to be in the right "mood" which happens rarely. And I don't feel attraction towards men as a whole but I do have the fear that Id like to give head, I dunno. I "feel" straight, if that makes any sense, but I'm afraid of going gay and that deep within in me I'm just really gay and at points even thought I'm a woman, or pedophile. But I do find women attractive I know that much. But is it a trick that my mind plays? Are all my male friends people I'm actually attracted to sexually? And my head is just in a completely different world? Weirds me out to even think that my whole life up till now has been completely dishonest, and I'm not who I think I am at all. My life is almost built upon getting chicks to like me and be with me. If I'm gay then alll that goes away. Which blows. Cos I still am attracted to girls and they're not gonna wanna be with a gay guy, not sexually at least. I dunno.
>>>...my gut reaction is "I don't actually think i am" not in an afraid of it way... >>>...but I do have the fear that Id like to give head... Picture the gargoyle raising his eyebrow. >>>Weirds me out to even think that my whole life up till now has been completely dishonest, and I'm not who I think I am at all. "Dishonesty" suggests deliberate deception. If you head down the wrong highway (or the wrong direction), you're presumably not intentionally doing so. You thought you were on the right highway, but it ends up you weren't. And the right move at that point isn't to say "Well, I've been going this direction on this highway for some time now - don't want to look like I don't know what I'm doing, so I'll keep going." It's to turn around and head back the right way. That said, it's tough to really get at the root of what's going on, mainly because I see a lot of intentional and unintentional road blocks you're throwing up. So if you'd really like to find out, let me suggest something to you. Try it on. Seriously. Be gay for the next week. See how it goes. You don't have to change anything on the exterior. You don't have to tell anybody anything. Just be gay. Check out guys (surreptitiously) on the street. Think about banging them if you'd like, or about them banging you. Watch some gay porn and jerk off. And not in that "let's see if my dick gets harder, or I shoot farther" sort of way, either during or after. Sex isn't supposed to be analyzed - it's supposed to be enjoyed. So enjoy it. And when you're done, sit there with your sticky hand and goofy smile and think about how kick-ass that was, then go clean up and go about your life. And if, after a week of doing this, it still doesn't seem "right" in the slightest, then consider that bit closed. You tried it out, it didn't "fit", and you can resume your straight life. But if it "fits" somewhat, or a lot, then I'd say the next move is getting you beyond the "but I can't be gay" roadblock. Lex
And when I masturbate by myself I usually either think of A: girls I know having a lesbian affair or- ex girlfriends usually them giving me a blowjob. But here's the thing do I like lesbians because its forbidden and a homosexual act?? Could be, do I like blowjobs because I want to give a blow job or because I like the idea of a girls basically worshipping my cock?? I don't know ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2011 at 05:00 PM ---------- Yeah I see what your saying lex, but I've tried to do that in the past and I didn't even know where to start, which guys do I check out? I don't really like doing it. And by not afraid of it, I mean I'm not afraid of the idea of being gay, I am afraid of the head thing though. I guess I could try it out again starting now, just being gay for a week, see how it works, don't really want to sleep with a guy tho. ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2011 at 05:22 PM ---------- Btw I think I would kill em if I was gay, at least for those who like the straight masculine types. So I definitely think I'd be embraced. If it does end up the case.
I'm not much one to check out guys, either. Just not my thing. I'm not very visually oriented, so unless I specifically decide "I'm going to look at guys", it's just not something I ever do. But once in a while, I'll specifically decide "I'm going to look at guys". And think about them in different states of undress, and me getting them in those states of undress, and what I might do with them once they're there. And you know what? Even for non-visual me, it's kinda fun. I'm seeing two main issues in your posts. 1. I'm getting a long list of data meant to answer the hypothesis "what am I?" And at the risk of repeating myself - "Sex isn't supposed to be analyzed - it's supposed to be enjoyed." If somebody asked me "I only get really turned on when I play with whipped cream with my partners in bed", my advice wouldn't be to go back through their past and find out why that is. My advice would be to invest in some cheap, easy-to-clean bedsheets and a small fridge to put in the bedroom. 2. I'm not the sort of person who insists that everybody has to be gay. If anything, I'd like to think I'm more lenient in that regard. I don't think people who kiss a guy, or get blown by a guy, or blow a guy, or even have sex several times with guys, are automatically gay. I've certainly had other people post here and say "I feel X, and Y and Z, and think about V and W - am I gay?" and answered them "I really don't think so." But I keep getting a different sense from your posts. Not so much by what turns you on so much as...well, to put it in a bit of a strange way, it sounds like you're saying "I'm wondering if I might be gay or bi...no homo." Dude, if you're gay, bi, straight, or something else, it's no big deal. And maybe you're as uber-masculine as you suggest, although a lot of your posts suggests that might be part of a fake persona as well. Which is why I suggest trying it on internally. Leave the masks behind. Pretend you're in a world where nobody's going to judge you, on anything. So if you want to kiss, suck, fuck...if you want a girl, a guy, or both...if you want to dominate them, have them dominate you, or go at it as equals...if you want to be on the top, the bottom, the side, the bathroom floor, the shower, or the space shuttle...if you want to be naked, in leather, in latex, or in a bunny costume - go for it. We sure as hell don't give a fuck - we've seen all of that and then some. So none of us are going to judge. So since you have at least some sort of gay-type fantasies, run with them for awhile. See where they lead you. Maybe nowhere. Maybe you'll open up, jerk off thinking about them for a week, and by the end of the week, you think "Well, I guess that was OK, but I kept thinking about girls even when I tried to think of guys." In that case, consider yourself straight, and go find a woman to date. Or maybe you'll find it hot enough that you want to keep going with it. Maybe you'll find other fantasies or "types" that turn you on. Fine - go nuts. Once again, this is sex. It's supposed to be fun. Lex
Thanks lex I see what you're saying. Not trying to come off as a "no homo" type thats not how I am. So if I come across that way sorry, I'm more trying to say even if I am gay I'm still gonna be badass. I guess I want to know just how not to trip so much on the subject. I'm gonna try it out though see how it works can't hurt that's for sure. Maybe it'll be fun.
Lex has given you some outstanding advice, and I agree with everything he's said... as I said above, the tricks your mind can play on you are pretty amazing, and denial (and the roadblocks supporting the denial) can be pretty powerful.... take it form someone who's been there... so I think this experiment will be very worthwhile for you *if* you keep an open mind to it... watch some different types of porn to see what guys you might be attracted to... and simply let yourself experience it without analyzing it or judging it in the moment. Let us know what happens.
Lex has given some good advice. Because mental barriers (especially those built up over decades) are strong and can't just be torn down like a piece of paper. Denial roadblocks will take a while to take down, and while you could still be attracted to women (bisexuality), it is important to keep an open mind and just sort everything out.
Thank you all for the advice, been trying to do this. I keep reverting back to checking out girls although I am actively trying to check out guys. I don't know I guess all will reveal itself in time. I'm keeping an open mind about the whole deal, sometimes I slip back into a very anxious state (especially in the mornings) but I'm trying to just go with whatever feels right. Forcing it isn't really working for me. I guess time will tell.
