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How do I subtly hint that I am gay and I like him?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gay Boi, Aug 25, 2011.

  1. Gay Boi

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    I need advice. I have a friend that I have known for sixteen years. We met when we were in grade 3. I haven’t seen him since grade 12 when we went to University at different ends of the country. He and I are in contact via facebook. I liked him a lot back in high school. We were really close. All our friends (who are gay) used to ask me what’s going on between him and me because of how close we were. I have never liked a guy like I have liked him. I have dated other guys in varsity but I recently realised that he is what I am looking for. When I look back, my gut tells me he was gay. At the time I thought he might be gay but I convinced myself into believing he was straight. Looking back to the time we shared together, there are things that make me think he was gay and liked me.

    In grade 11, on a warm spring day after school, the weather changed and it started to rain. I had no jacket and felt very cold. He had a jacket on and he took it off and gave it to me without me asking for it. I stayed ten minutes from school and he stayed an hour away from school. I have dated other guys and to this day no guy has ever done that for me. He always used to say to me when we were alone that he wonders how it would be like to be gay and get to kiss guys. I ignored this because I thought he playing around with me. There was a lot of sexual tension between the two of us. One time in math class I dared him to cut a lock of his pubic hair. He cut a lock and gave it to me. I remember this one time he told me that he had no underwear on. I remember one time I accidently touched his erect penis. He was once brought me some homemade cookies he knew I loved after we had a fight. During our lunch break, he would sometimes rest his head on my thigh when were sitting at the bench we spent out lunch break. He used to wait for me to arrive in the morning (my bus used to arrive a few minutes later than his) and we would go to our first class together; none of my other friends used to do that.

    Recently on facebook he sent me message and one of the things he asked was “how are the ladies treating me”. His message is ironic because back in high school he and I never dated or talked about girls. When we were with other guys he would talk about girls he likes, but when were alone he would never talk about girls even though the both us shared so many things together. There was a girl who really liked him in grade 11; she used to throw herself at him and would have slept with him if he wanted. She eventually gave up on him calling him gay. I got the feeling that the question on facebook was a way of seeing if I am gay. Those close to me know that I am gay even though I haven’t come out as such. Do you think he is gay or at least bi-curious? Do you think he might have had feelings for me? How should I subtly hint to him that I am gay and I like him?

    Thanks for reading my long post:slight_smile:
     
  2. ezkill

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    Honestly, if you two are/were the best of friends, and you think he will be openly accepting and affirming of your sexual orientation, then it seems like you have nothing to lose. It does seem like he is trying to figure out if you are gay too, but doesn't want to directly ask.

    I told my best friends I was gay not too long ago, none of them reacted negatively. In the end, it's a risk, but in your case it sounds like a positive risk. The choice is your's, I can't make it for you.
     
  3. malachite

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    If you two have known eachother for so long, he may be someone you might just want to come out to, and take things from there
     
  4. Honestly, I don't usually advocate "subtly hinting" when it comes to these kinds of situations. "Hinting" leaves room for error. It means he might not get it. It means that you might never know if he's got feelings for you and he might never know you've got feelings for him. So, "hinting" when it comes to important stuff isn't always the best way to go.

    If you think he's trying to figure out your sexuality, and you have strong feelings for this guy, and you're okay with him knowing that you're gay----then just tell him. You've even got an opening! He asked how the ladies are treating you, so you can just say something like "hey, remember when you asked me about how the ladies are treatin' me? Well, actually I just wanted you to know that I'm gay".
     
  5. Marlowe

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    A quick addendum to our lovely advisor's post. This will separate telling him you are gay from telling him you have feelings for him. You don't have to be subtle about telling him you are gay. This is a fact. But you may worry that telling him about your feelings for him will be awkward thus you want to be subtle about that. Telling him you are gay provides an opening for him as well, so the second point may be more easy to work into your later message once this is established.
     
  6. Gay Boi

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    Thanks for replying to my post. I have thought of coming out to him but I wanted to that in person not on Facebook. I was thinking of hinting that I am gay on Facebook and use it as an opener when I see him.

    I just miss him so much. I haven't seen him in years. (I probably sound like a sucker)
     
  7. feelindown

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    well if he cut a lock of his pubic hair off to give to you....um i can't say for certain that he is gay or not, but i mean, really who does this sort of thing gay or straight. it's been years. you are no longer in school with him or see him. you liked him and still do. he may be gay, straight, single, dating or whatever. so keep that in mind. just becuase you come out to him now, doesn't mean he is even interested or gay. he could have been curious in high school and may be over it now.

    if you want to come out to him subtly and play the back and forth pointless game here's what you can do...., just say you haven't dated a girl in a long while. and ask how they are treating him.

    this answer is a bit ambigious. it says you haven't dated a girl in a long while. that can mean you're gay or it can mean you are a hermit and no girls like you.

    to this he will undoubtedly reply...."why is that?" and he will also be forced to explain his current situation. he may say 'oh they are treating me well, oh i have a girlfriend. oh, im married, etc." then you willl have more information about his situation to decide if you want to come out to him.

    no guy that gave you his pubic hair lock and hasnt seen you in years starts up with "so how are the girls treating you?" that is a direct question to see if you are into girls or not.

    you could avoid all of this and if you feel comfortable you can reply back....."hey, great hearing from yah. i always wondered what happened to you. honestly, girls are cool but i'm not really into women like that anymore. how's dating treating you?"

    this is a two fold approach. it lets him know you're basically gay and it always subtly tells him that you liked him and still do. if he doesn't respond, then forget about him. if he keeps the conversation going, atleast he knows where you stand and you do not have to try adn make him feel comfortable about anything.

    good luck
     
  8. query

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    if you're to nervous to just tell him, remind him of a story when you had to lie to cover up your gayness. for example 'hey remember that time when _____? actually its because im gay'. once you actually start telling him the story it makes it easier to just get it all out. worked for me any way. good luck!
     
  9. Lexington

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    The "subtly hint" thing is a "game". And "games" are cute and all when you're sixteen. According to the info under your name there, you're twenty-five. I'd say it might be a good idea to start approaching interpersonal relationships in a somewhat more adult fashion. :slight_smile:

    Feel free to send him a message - either a private message on FB, or e-mail, or call him. "You asked how the ladies are treating me. They're treating me OK, but they don't interest me as much as the guys." :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. Gay Boi

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    Lexington, I don’t want to play games with him. I’ve been there and done that. I just want to hint my sexuality and my feelings for him on facebook to make it easier to bring up the topic when we meet again. We even had plans to meet earlier this year but they never worked out. I will be seeing him before the end of the year though.

    Query, I have never covered up my sexuality so I can’t use that as a starting point. I am doing my Masters degree in fashion, so that by itself in stereotypical terms, makes me gay. Back in high school I always had copies of the latest women’s fashion magazines and my sketchbook with me. I love reading and I always had Danielle Steel or Nicholas Sparks with me. I also used to read those girly teenage novels; I especially loved Sweet Valley High a lot :slight_smile:. I was the kind of guy who used to have perfectly arched brows and perfectly manicured nails. Like I said earlier on, those close to me know that I am gay. But to those who don’t know me I appear quite straight. Girls have come onto me over the years but I have never been interested in them. My friend is the kind of guy that people would be shocked to find out he’s gay, but when you also get to know him you’ll start questioning (at least I did). I am not sure of his sexuality but how many straight guys would talk about how well endowed some of our classmates are? Both of us do not fit the stereotypical gay guy. My colleagues were quite shocked to find out that I like cricket and baseball, and I am also into DIY. Considering all of the above it makes it hard for me to tell if he’s gay and likewise for him because both of us don’t fit into the mould.

    Feelindown, I like your idea about saying I haven’t dated a girl in a long time and asking him the same question. It opens up the conversation for both of us. You are right about his question being a direct way to probe about my sexuality, even though we have been messaging each other for a while now. On his facebook profile it reads he’s in a relationship so I am proceeding with caution. I don’t want to come onto him too strong. There is a series of pictures he posted on facebook he took with two girls. They were taken in a photo booth with both girls all over him. (They look like the kind of pictures you take with your best friends). Anyways, I was wondering that if he’s in a relationship, no girl or guy I know would like to see other girls all over their partner. His varsity friends called him and the other girl love birds. Both of them vehemently disagreed to be love birds. :confused:

    He always used to say me that I will never meet a guy like him and I guess he was right. He and I used to talk for hours about nothing. We used to share secret jokes. He was the only person I used to talk to about my daddy issues. We used to share our dreams and hopes for the future, the children we wanted and how we would raise but not even once did we ever talk about the kind of wives we want. I don’t know where “we” are heading, but sharing my feelings on Empty Closets makes it a lot easier. We had plans to go to the same varsity but he wasn’t accepted where I was accepted. Had we been together in varsity I wouldn’t be here asking these questions because things would have been so different. But on the other I had the opportunity to meet and date other guys which made realise that what I had with him was special. Back in high school public displays of affection were not allowed so we would have not really explored our friendship back then. Furthermore, he stayed an hour from my home town so we also could not meet outside of school. We were victims of circumstances :frowning2:
     
  11. Mad Man L

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    Firstly, gay/bi people don't need to fit any kind of stereotype, it's sort of like my cousin and I. My mum is telling his mum (my aunt) to make him go shopping with me so I can find something fashionable, because he's super fashionable/trendy. Ironically, he's straight and I'm bi.

    But from what you say, there was something going on between you two. That being said, he wasn't necessarily in to you in my opinion. I would think about coming out to him directly, no point in playing 'hinting' games, in my opinion that's just for people who can't confront the issue head-on.

    Don't automatically assume that just because he doesn't talk about women that he's gay, the guy I liked had women who would have had sex with him if they had the opportunity, yet he took no interest. Unfortunately for me, he was straight. While we were never really friends, the same could apply for you. He could just not be talking about the women he likes for some reason.
     
  12. george678

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    I agree with The Lewder.

    I would come out to him directly. No point playing games. Just come out to him directly, he may think you trust him a lot then. If you haven't seen him in a long time it might make him think you still care and have a lot of trust in him. If you come out to him you never know he may just come back out to you. The chances of that happening are small. But when you were in 11th grade you were both hormonal so what he did may be nothing. I would just come out to him straight, it shows there is still a lot of trust there.