Why do I feel 40? and can anyone show me how to deal with all thsi stress

First, let me take a bit of a detour. Your way of thinking isn't uncommon, but it's also dangerous. Because "I don't want to die alone" often leads people to the conclusion "better a bad relationship than no relationship". Which quite often leads people into getting into, and staying in, lousy relationships. And frankly, having no relationship is much better than being in a lousy one.

Another thing to ponder about the "I don't want to die alone". If you think about the people who DO meet somebody, and settle down, and have a long term relationship...even 50% of THEM technically "die alone". Because, sad to say, somebody usually dies first. Take my maternal grandparents, for instance. They were married for over fifty years. But then my grandfather died, and left my grandmother a widow. Try to picture that really quick - a woman in her early seventies, now a widow. You might picture her retiring to her rocking chair and waiting out her last remaining days in mourning.

Which means you don't know my grandmother. In the years following my grandfather's death, my grandmother:

* got a job at an Asian import store, eventually flying to Japan to do buying for them
* volunteered at a local hospital
* re-took up pencil sketching, and took up oil painting
* learned classical guitar, and joined her church choir

All this in addition to being a kick-ass mother and grandmother to a bunch of people. For over a quarter-century. She finally passed away in 2008, at the age of 98. And I don't want to suggest that she felt she was finally free to do this stuff once my grandfather was out of the picture. She just felt like she had more living to do, and didn't feel like any less of a person just because she no longer had a "partner".

And this may have been one of the biggest and best (unintentional) lessons she passed on to me. People aren't like those half-a-broken-heart friendship pendants - only worthwhile when joined with the other half. People in good relationships aren't two halves, useless without the other. They're two complete people, who often form something bigger and better when with the other.

So keep working on yourself. Don't wait for somebody to bring meaning to your life. Creating meaning in your own life. Go live a kick ass life. Not only will you create a better life for yourself, but as an added bonus, "complete people" who are living kick-ass lives often become pretty damned attractive to others. And if you don't manage to find somebody - I know several people who are or have been single for a significant stretch of time - so be it. You'll be busy living a kick-ass life, yes no?

Lex

 

^ Totally agree with Lex. First and foremost, you need to feel good about you.

Secondly, you and your mom both need to take a 'chill pill'. You're 20, for crying out loud! Maybe the culture in Mexico is different, but if you're not seriously dating someone by the time you're 20, who cares?!? It certainly isn't a sign that you're doomed to be alone forever!

I didn't realize I was gay, but I wasn't really interested in dating girls either. So I didn't have a really serious relationship until I was 25. I got married at 27. We had our first daughter when I was 30, and we separated when I came out when I was 35. I've now just re-married (to a man this time!!! :icon_bigg) at the age of 40. (Yes - 40 - that age at which you suggested life is practically over! :icon_wink)

For me, I feel like my life is just getting started! Sure, I agonized over the fact that I didn't date when I was younger. Yes, I was scared to death when I was coming out and separating from my wife - I wondered whether life was worth living. But let me tell you this - it's totally worth living. And I'm looking forward to every minute of the rest of my life. I feel great at 40, and have so much going for me. I fully expect to feel great at 50, and 60, and 70!

To Lex's point, we don't know what life has in store for us. 6 months into our relationship, my boyfriend got a pretty scary diagnosis, and he questioned whether or not we should stay together. He didn't want to 'tie me down'. I told him that was stupid, and I wasn't going anywhere, and 3 years later we're married and looking forward to our life together - however long we both live. The past 3 years have been the best 3 years of our lives - both of us - and we would have missed out on them had we been scared instead of courageous.

So be courageous. You are 20 years old, with a whole world of possibilities ahead of you. Meeting someone who you can fall in love with is just one of those possibilities. And while that does enrich our life tremendously, it isn't the only thing worth living for.

So next time your mother says something like that, you tell her not to worry about it, because you're not worried about it - and mean it!