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Stuck in a rut

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by technoddot, Aug 25, 2011.

  1. technoddot

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    I need to make a change but don't know how...

    In the last few months, I've discovered I'm not straight-- I'm probably gay, potentially a bit bi (I gauge myself around kinsey 5, I think). I have come out to one of my friends who is also gay, but I rarely actually see him. We do chat/txt from time to time when I need some support in my closetedness.

    To all my other friends, family, and people at work, I'm not out at all. Despite me feeling fairly comfortable with it in my own mind, I just am not ready to come out to people-- not even to some of my best friends.

    I'm in my senior year of college. I probably (barring conditions out of my control) have a job lined up for after college at the company I've been cooping with for my degree.

    The problem is, all day I'm generally around the same group of people... "my circle" if you will. It's a powerful thing, but I basically sit by them and converse with them constantly and find it difficult to actually venture out more in the college environment. I'm not typically the kind of person to go to a meeting for a group on campus unless someone else is dragging me or going with me. So since I don't really have "gay friends", checking out the GLBT group on campus is a very foreign thing and I don't know if I can do it on my own without feeling like "everyone is looking at me," if you know what I mean.

    But I only have 2 semesters of this, I'll call it, routine. After that, I'm pretty much lined up for my job after college. I will be looking around some more for other jobs, sure, but I have a strong feeling I'll just end up working where I've been cooping (which is a good thing, don't read that wrong). I already know people at work, and I'm pretty much gonna be locked in a corner in that situation, as well-- same old routine.

    Sure, I go out sometimes (with random collections of friends), but pretty much just stay with the collection the whole time (in bars, etc...)

    So, my problem, which I need advice on, is that I feel like it's pointless to come out because even in my circle of friends (those that don't say FU to the news), I don't venture out, or at least feel comfortable venturing out to meet other people that could help me network to other gays.

    In my mind, I just feel trapped and like my life is just written out for me and I wont ever have an opportunity to meet the right type of people to actually form relationships. To be honest though, the same problem happened while I considered myself straight. It just seems even more difficult now that I consider myself gay because the pool of possibilities is even smaller since it's near impossible to identify other gay people.
     
  2. Lexington

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    I guess you've defined the problem fairly well. If I may sum it up in a sentence or three - you never leave your "circle". You interact basically only with those you're forced to interact with. Not that you hate those people, but you presumably only interact with those specific people because work/school forced you to. And you see trouble on the horizon - once school ends, the number of people you'll be forced to interact with will decrease significantly.

    And honestly, that's a very valid concern. I know a lot of people - from social butterflies to near-loners - who found themselves in loner territory post-graduation. Because the one constant forced-interaction that we've had since age five is now gone. And now it's up to us if we want to interact with anybody.

    But I think you see what to do. You stated it above. "Checking out the GLBT group on campus". (Or any other group, for that matter.) And yes, it's going to be way outside your comfort zone. Which is probably the reason it's a good idea to do it. :slight_smile: Because that's going to be the way it's going to be post-graduation. If you want to meet new people - and presumably you will - you won't be able to simply wait until the next forced-interaction period. You'll have to go out and meet them yourself.

    So I think it's a good idea - not just because "hey, you can meet more non-straight people" but "it'll be practice meeting people". It's going to feel very weird and quite uncomfortable at first, like the first time you do anything. Very few people feel natural riding a bike or a skateboard the first time, too. You might feel clumsy and maybe will stumble around a little. That's to be expected. But keep in mind - everybody in that group on campus was, at one point, in your shoes. Confused by their sexuality, wanting to talk to other people in the same situations, but terrified of being under their gaze. They've all been there. So they know what it feels like to walk in for the first time. And as such, they nearly always take pains to make your first time welcoming. So give it some thought.

    Lex
     
  3. feelindown

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    that circle is your nice little security blankie. it has served its purpose well but you have to expand outside that circle. whether you are straight or gay or bi, you need other friends and other people in your life. that doesn't mean you have to run down to the local gblt center but it does mean that if you're going to like guys, you have to be around places adn people where you may have a chance of meeting some other gay guys. gay peopel aren't just going to fall into your lap. my personal advice is for you to join some other clubs and meet other people and work your way up to meeting gay people one on one. throwing yourself into an all gay club when you haven't even gotten 100% comfortable in your own sexuality right now and you're shy to meet people personally just seems like too much at one. let's just try and make some new frirends right now for heavens sake. then branch out. if any of your new friends are gay, see if you can hang with them when they go places with their friends (not clubs and bars).
     
  4. Filip

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    I'm much the same, really. I tend to stick to my routine, stick to my group of friends, and generally try to plan my social life a couple of weeks ahead of time. It works wonders for keeping in touch with people I already know, but sucks mightily when it comes to meeting new people. There's a couple of people I met after starting to work (and some of them I do consider best friends now), but not all that much.

    As the saying goes, however: if you want to change a river, you have to start by moving a stone.
    Then, of course, you have to decide which stone :wink:

    I wholeheartedly endorse the advice above of trying to make a go for it and breaking out of your circle by just swallowing down your fear of the GLBT group, looking up when they meet and then going for it. It's odd at first, but it will probably also become a new routine real quick, at which point you'll wonder what you ever did before. It really is the best option.

    However, I also know I would have been quite incapable of doing that myself. I'd have always found a reason to turn around halfway.

    So I decided that if I absolutely needed someone to physically drag me towards different horizons, I'd let my friends know that fact, so they could do some dragging and pushing. That meant coming out to them, obviously, which wasn't completely easy either, but in retrospect it really was just a question of picking a few of the ones I trusted most, coming out to them, and then letting things move on from there. The change was really smaller than I thought (and definitely much smaller than I feared). Obviously it introduced a whole new slew of conversation options, but that's about all. They did, in fact, take the effort to drag me to some GLBT events and keep me informed of any other interesting opportunities they saw.

    So: give it some thought! Why do you not feel ready to come out to your friends? Is it a rational fear? Or just a fear of change? Even if there's no special point in coming out to them, it might be a good thing to do so anyway! It could turn them from a dragnet keeping you in into supporters cheering for you to expand your horizons!
     
  5. Jim1454

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    GO TO THE LGBT GROUP ON CAMPUS!!!!

    Lex said what I would have said too. Sure, it's going to be scary and awkward. But do you know how long that's likely to last? 1 minute or so. And someone there will smile at you and say hello, and introduce themselves, and you'll no longer be alone in that meeting. That first minute will be tough, but it will potentially have been well worth it.

    When I first came out to myself (and my wife, doctor, and counsellor) I felt like I needed someone to talk to in real life. Someone else who was gay, but not someone to date. EC was great, and helped a lot, but I wanted someone I could talk to in real life. Have a coffee with. Go to the movies with. Have a bite to eat with. So I actually put an ad up on an online classifieds site in the 'strictly platonic' section to say I was looking for a friend to hang out with. (Specifically, I asked if there were any other gay dads who would like to go for a beer.) A number of nice guys responded and offered to talk to me, and one of them has become a good friend. 4.5 years later, we still talk. We don't hang out as often, as both our lives have evolved since then, but he was at my wedding earlier this month. So as crazy as that might sound, it's an option.
     
  6. Bi As A Kite

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    There's not much i can really add here, everyone's given great advice (am taking notes, may be starting college soon and meeting new people - i can empathise with the OP in having no GLBT friends at all). I'd just like to suggest showing some kind of sign that you're gay while you're meeting new people, so they get the impression right away. Albeit the only thing i can think of is a rainbow bracelet, but this'd be easier then meeting new people who you"d then have to come out to. Good luck!
     
  7. technoddot

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    You guys are a lot better at concisely wording my problem than I am. I do agree I need to break away from my circle/security blanket/whatever you wanna call it.

    I'm seriously considering going to the LGBT meeting at my school (this Tuesday), where apparently they are talking about "coming out" stories... I'm realy unsure about what to expect from the meeting, which actually makes me nervous to the point that I will likely not actually go. I just don't know if I'll walk in and just sit in peace, or if flamboyant people will just be all over me asking what I'm doing there, etc... Yea, I don't know if I'm ready to just jump into such a situation, as feelindown stated. Part of me is trying to tell me that it'll be relaxed and I'll probably strike up a conversation with a person or two while I'm there, no pressure. I've heard that these kind of meetings vary widely between campus's just based on what the gay community is like on the campus.

    Did anyone else attend a GLBT meeting (at school or otherwise) during before they were really "out" to anyone? What were your experiences? Worth it?
     
  8. technoddot

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    I'm here to report that....

    I went to the meeting tonight. I honestly didn't say a word while I was at the meeting, but acknowledged people respectively, etc... There were a lot of different people there (as to be expected). But then, on my way out, a girl that I was sitting near me actually asked if it was my first time (it was likely obvious just by how I was sitting there all quiet). I told her yes, then we started talking a little bit. She encouraged me to come back, and I said "we'll see, I was incredibly nervous just coming today." She said don't be, etc...

    But, all-in-all, I'm happy that I brought myself to go. I nearly chickened out. I was sitting outside the room for a good 10 minutes acting uninterested (calming my nerves down). Then I got up with the idea of just plain leaving for home. Then I ended up walking into the room instead. I felt like everyone was looking at me. Next time (if I bring myself to return), I hope I can put up less of a front to get more people to talk to me. But bringing myself to talk to other people on my own will be difficult.

    Baby steps. But thanks for the encouragement here.