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friendship ended because of feelings

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bsolitaire, Aug 26, 2011.

  1. bsolitaire

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    as the title says, i ended a friendship because my feelings would not abate.

    I am in my twenties and have just started being honest (to myself and others) my attraction to women. I've dated men, but never been in a relationship with anyone (male of female).

    we met 2-3 years ago, but we lived in different states. To keep in touch we IMed and wrote email messages. In person, I didn't feel anything romantic for her but we did connect and had an awesome time together. As time wore on, I became more and more drawn to her personality and I began to notice how beautiful she was.

    The crush evolved into infatuation, and then falling in love. We were also friends on facebook, which..started my jealousy. I noticed men calling her pet names, and that they also chatted online..Besides that, she also talked about men and gushed about them.
    I used to think she may be gay (due to some signs i misinterpreted and cant elaborate them now), so I was not on guard with my feelings. But it's confirmed she's actually straight... I left FB for obvious reasons. Soon, I noticed she was becoming cold and was less and less online so that we could keep in touch.

    I...discarded my email ad so I wont be reminded of her..and as immature as it may sound, i was sort of hoping she'd contact me thru other ways, and asked a couple of mutual friends, but almost a year later, we haven't talked. she has my number, and we're members of another social network, but she hasnt searched for me there (and i searched her). i went thru cycles of grief (which has been mentioned here quite often). i realized maybe she did want to end our communication and was just doing it passively...i was another fleeting friend. And...she doesnt know im gay.

    so i was wondering what u guys think and if anyone went thru a similar experience. One day, i know things will fall into place....
     
  2. Marlowe

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    I have also experienced the hazards of falling for a friend, multiple times in my life, and I think it adds a problematic complexity to both the crush and the friendship.

    Here is another possible scenario could be that she felt the way you were feeling. That you were being cold, and less communicative, and that you didn’t want to continue the friendship. She eventually decided to pull away because she couldn’t figure out what was going on and you weren’t being explicit with her.

    I think you need to think long and hard about what you want with this girl. On one hand, you have done your best to put her behind. Perhaps this was the right choice given how extreme your feelings might have been. On the other hand you wanted to say in touch. The way you describe this has a few different facets. You are still in love and you nurse a false hope about her being gay. This is dangerous. Or you want or repair your friendship. In either case, it is important that she be the once to contact. Ask yourself why this is. Your phrase, “I was just a fleeting friend” I think shows that you having a crush on her are very aware that she did not reciprocate your feelings and you are worried that she did not even reciprocate your friendship. Thus, her contacting you validates your friendship.

    It is interesting that you should post this, because I got some very good advice today, which perhaps applies. The situation was that I told the parents of a friend of mine that I felt that I was overstaying my welcome, and that I was eating them out of house and home. They told me instead, “Don’t negotiate both sides,” i.e. ask first ask rather than make assumptions about what the other side will say. Furthermore, make your needs known. I have learned the hard way, that even good people and friends will not notice all your problems or interpret subtle cries for help. You have to ask to be heard.

    This past is behind you. Think about what you want with her, and let this inform your way forward.
     
  3. bsolitaire

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    Hey Marlowe, thank you so much for your insight. Despite the upwelling of insecurities and fear that I felt, I'm still glad to have met her. But for now, I believe the friendship has run its course. Maybe we'll meet again...But right now I need to go on my own and meet women within my proximity.

    It is mostly fear that made me pull away--fear that she'll go away, that she doesnt reciprocate, etc. It meant a lot to me...

    I will take all this as a learning experience. Yes, I do miss her, but knowing that she's fine and happy, I have learned to be happy too.....(even if it means being happy without each other in our lives..)
     
  4. Marlowe

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    I am glad that you found it of some use. I also want to apologize. Rereading my post, it sounds kind of tough and critical, and I hope you didn't take it that way. It really is tough. I fell in love with my (straight) best friend, and I am alternatively insanely envious of his girlfriend and really happy for them -- not exactly healthy. I am glad that you have managed to find some peace about it though.
     
  5. bsolitaire

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    Hey Marlowe, I prefer "tough and critical" over sweet platitudes...Getting over a friend is no easy feat. It doesn't help when mutual friends update me about her. I may still lapse into the dreaded bouts, but they don't last anyway.

    Thinking that Im bound to meet more people helps and honestly, I just got tired...Sometimes I visualize a world where I've moved on and wonder how that would be like..(haha cheesy i know).

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your side. I have to praise you for staying friends with 'him.' That's awesome.