Hey all, I just wanted to ask how you all deal with the end of a relationship? I was seeing this guy for about 8 months and it ended quite a while ago in a really messy way and even though we broke up months ago I still feel angry and sad about it.... The relationship was far from perfect, and I was actually pretty reluctant because I was moving away from the city where we met, but he really wanted us to give it a go, even if it was a long distance thing, that we'd take it easy and see how it went, very low key and chilled out. That sounded fine to me, especially as this was my first relationship with a guy, and at the stage we started going out only one person knew I was gay. In the next couple of months I told my best friend, her boyfriend and her sister that I was gay and about this guy and it seemed to be going ok. But a few times when he got drunk he would be very obsessive (he once texted me about 15 times in one night when he was drunk asking me never to leave him), and it freaked me out quite a bit. I know looking back at it that I was far from perfect in this relationship, that I should have gone to visit him more etc but I spoke to him on the phone three times a day every day for 8 months (which was a bit much for me, but he said he wanted it that way), and with my parents not knowing and me having to live at home for a while, no money, and loads of work, I could not make the long trip to see him that often. Anyway on the final time I went to meet him he was drunk when I arrived and on the way home became pretty angry and shouted at me and threatened to tell my parents that I was gay... in the end I walked away and went to sleep at my friends' place.... The thing is I still feel sad and angry about this... we spoke a bit after it happened and he said we wanted to be friends but we haven't spoken in months and everytime I think about speaking to him it brings back all of these bad feelings. So I guess I just want to know how to get to feeling ok about it? I have to go the city where he lives soon and I really worry that if I bump into him it'll bring back these feelings and I don't want to argue with him again about the break up etc... And I feel guilty about the whole thing, I know I should have visited him more, he got really annoyed that I didn't just tell everyone about us and about me being gay and I wanted to but in my own time... I can't help but feel guilty about that side of it now... and I kind of worry that the next guy will end up the same, to be honest I feel generally nervous about getting into a relationship at all now... Sorry for the massive post, it's just been bothering me the past few days and I just needed to let it out. Would like your comments as well if you have a sec, I find this place a great support.
It sound like that guy has issues. It was not your fault that things did not workout with him. Furthermore, he has no right to force you come out to your parents. It sounds to me like you weren't really happy in the relationship. Just give yourself time to heal and in time you will be able to love again. Time usually heals all wounds. I just distance myself from my ex'es and just try to enjoy life. Thoughts of the ex will come into your mind from time to time but over time you'll find yourself thinking of him less. Cry when you feel like it (crying does wonders for me). Good luck and keep us updated
Thanks man, I really appreciate your post. I'm just gutted over the way things ended, it was really crap, and basically I just don't want to feel bad about it anymore... plus I'm about to move to a new city and I'm a bit nervous about meeting someone new, just hope it won't be anything like my last relationship.
The truth is, this guy has issues (again, what we each see as issues, are the norm for other people) So to be fair and polite, you can't say that they have issues, you can only say that who you are as a person - your upbringing, culture, and level of comfort in any situation - is not compatible with who he is as a person. When you see it from this perspective, then all this become logical. Dating is the process of finding someone who is right for you, and without experimenting-without spending time with someone to find out if he is right for you-you can never know. I hope this line of reasoning takes away your worries that the next guy might be like that and you might have to go through it again. You never know what you will get until you've got it.
EDIT: Just wanted to add to my original post to make things a bit clearer... Basically we had two amazing weeks before I left the city I was living in, a lot of fun and laughs, hanging out, and then I had to come back home, and then after that, when it was long distance things got more difficult. The thing that really bothers me is that we were in a relationship for a relative amount of time (for me anyway) and had some great times, but at the same time he would sometimes get angry* with me when he got drunk... I don't want to make him out to be some sort of psycho, because he wasn't, but the way things ended with him angry and shouting at me... I just still feel a bit gutted about it all and I just feel nervous now about getting into a new relationship in case it turns out like that... Meh sorry I'm just rambling... I sometimes wonder if I should have got in touch since it ended or do I keep steering clear of him? I did tell people about us, but I wonder if maybe I didn't do enough now and should have done more? *I honestly don't want to make him look like some kind of a psycho because he really wasn't, I think he was just frustrated with the fact that we didn't live in the same city and that the relationship was difficult over a long distance, and sometimes that came out when he was drunk.
