I was going to sign up and post this a few days ago, but due to work and other commitments it’s taken a few days to get my thoughts together. So here goes…. Basically I'm think I’m gay but I’m not quite sure there is this constant doubt gnawing at the back of my mind “but what if I’m not”. I’ve read stories of people, who say they always knew that they were gay. How Come I didn’t always know? I spent puberty not being attracted to anyone (male or female) however I did occasionally notice girls but I was more focused on their hair/makeup/clothing. When my peers talked about and looked at girls (they were really into boobs and I still don’t really get it) I was always uninterested I always assumed that I was just really polite. I found porn when I was 15 first it was lesbians (this didn’t last long a week or two at most) then it was all gay stuff since then, however it didn’t ‘click’ that watching gay porn wasn’t exactly normal heterosexual behaviour until about 10ish months ago, is it normal to be completely oblivious for so long (3-4years)? Some days I get up and think “Yep I’m Gay” only to see a girl who looks really nice and start thinking “If I were actually gay I probably shouldn’t even be noticing” and I really only started noticing guys after I realised that I could be gay and I can’t help but wonder “Perhaps I’m straight, and I’m only finally noticing guys because maybe I want to be gay” I’m not sure why I would want that through (wow just reading that last sentence back to myself that idea seems really really stupid but that thought has crossed my mind tonnes of times :bang: :bang Sorry in advance if any on that doesn’t make sense it’s quite late here atm. And wow holy wall of text. But it does feel really good to get this written down somewhere even if it is just online. EDIT: Whoops I think I made this thread twice
Hi, FoxFire. First, welcome to EC. You're in the right place to discuss what's going on for you. Second, there are PLENTY of people who have no clue they are gay until their twenties, sometimes even later. So you're far from alone on that front. From what you've said, it seems pretty likely you're gay. Straight guys can't mentally convince themselves to be gay any more than gay guys can mentally convince themselves to be straight. That's well established in all the credible scientific literature about sexual orientation. So you definitely aren't noticing guys because you want to be gay, but because that's who you are. The normal test I suggest guys go for is to look at porn and see what porn excites them, and to try fantasizing (without porn) about guys, and then separately, about girls, when masturbating and see what excites them the most. But it sounds like you've already done this, so it's pretty likely you have your answer. I will guess that this is probably sort of scary and/or upsetting to you, and that's pretty normal; it takes a while to get used to the idea, and people going through the coming out process have to first come out to themselves, and that involves some denial and processing. It sounds like you're pretty far along that process already. So... I hope you'll stick around, hang out, read a bunch of the threads, and see how things fit for you... and then feel free to ask more questions, start new threads if you have things you want to talk about, and so forth. And if you'd like to talk to one of the advisor team individually, feel free to PM any one of us.
Hey, first off, welcome to EC. You've come to the right place Everything you said in this post rings about a dozen bells for me. While there are many people who know from a young age that they're gay, there are probably just as many who don't realize it until later. I was one of the latter group, and it sounds like you are too. Sometimes it takes a while for that to really sink in. I didn't even think about the fact that I might be a lesbian until I was twenty and some people don't realize it until much later than that. Also, being gay doesn't mean that the opposite sex becomes invisible. I can tell when guys are attractive, I just don't want to be with them. If you're noticing pretty girls, think about whether or not you're really physically attracted to them, or whether you're just noticing that they're pretty. Here's the deal, when someone who's not straight realizes that they aren't straight, they often go through the five stages of grief. It's a loss, almost, to realize that you're gay because we spend our whole lives with the belief that we're straight and that's a part of our identity. Many of us go through denial, anger, bargaining, and then depression...but that all ends up leading to the last bit--acceptance. It sounds like you're bargaining. You say in your post that all the porn you watch is gay porn and that you used to only notice girls' hair and makeup and clothes and that you don't understand what the fuss is about boobs... So basically you're telling us that you're attracted to guys, but not really attracted to girls. That's the definition of being a gay guy. So to answer your question, yeah, sounds like you're gay. But that's alright. (*hug*)
you sound fairly gay. think past a few months, when was the last time you KNEW you thought a girl was hot. i mean for sure knew. do the same for guys, as well. i hope that was of some help! good luck with everything!
Hey, Thanks everyone for replying. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one that took ages to even start questioning. Do we go through all those stages or can we skip some? I don’t ever remember being angry about possibly being gay. It’s good to know that I’m not choosing to notice guys but I still can’t shake the feeling that I could be choosing to like guys (Again it sounds really stupid to be writing that). I tried as you suggested, and stated looking at different types of porn and the gay stuff is definitely better, oddly enough though lesbian stuff did produce an odd sensation that I can only describe as a tingling but no erection though (Is it appropriate to be posting that?) So based off that I think that I’m gay, still I can’t shake to doubts I’m having. But reading your replies does make me feel a tonne better. I defiantly will thanks again. (*hug*)
Oh gosh, no. It's not an all or nothing thing. Everyone's different, but it's just not uncommon to experience those things when coming out to yourself
'ello Fox. Not everybody does. I didn't come out 'til I was 25. After graduating from university. And I was surrounded by supportive folks, I just...wasn't ready for me to deal with it. *shrug* No, but you might become a little pissed once you come to terms with it and realize that gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people are second class citizens (or worse) in a lot of places... I think you're in some low-level of denial, where most days you accept it, and some days you just sort of wish it wasn't true, so you try to find loopholes. Also, noticing the opposite sex does not necessarily make you hetero, as others have said here. I notice tons of good-looking guys, and have even dated a couple, but I am not moved by them like I am by women. When I think about spending the rest of my life with someone, it's definitely not a guy. When I first started coming out last year, I wanted to be one of those "I love who I love, regardless of gender" peeps (and I'm still open for some special guy to just blow me out of the water) but for me, men have just never roused that level of passion in me and even when I dated them, I didn't find myself wanting to be with them in any kind of long-term sense. OP: If you were going to get married and spend the rest of your life with someone, which gender would you prefer your mate to be (if any)? That might give you some sort of clue as to what your primary orientation is.
FoxFire11: In reading your post, it actually strongly correlates to what I've been going through for the last few months. I've asked similar questions to my self, like "what if I just want to be gay for some reason?" I tend to think that isn't the case though, because... well, I know for a fact my parents (mom especially) will not accept me being gay, or at least it will be a very big fucking deal for her if she catches wind of it. She constantly talks about gays and how wrong it is, and why they can't all shut up and keep to themselves... It's actually odd (and rather awkward) to be sitting a few feet from her when she's saying these things knowing what I acknowledge now. I always just hope she doesn't start directing this blasphemy towards me. But even prior to my official questioning of myself... I still always feared the same thing-- as odd as that may sound. I don't really have any advice exactly, but I do know exactly what you're talking about. I find this thread's discussion helpful for me as well.
You're DEFINITELY not alone. :icon_bigg ^^THIS, this is exactly what I've been going through but couldn't figure out how to put it into words like you have. It's like this "I'm gay...wait...maybe I'm only thinking that way is cause I want to be gay. But why would I explicitly want that?" feeling that I can't quite shake. Hang in there (and let me know if you figure it out, because your situation sounds a lot like mine )
Welcome to EC! I'm one of those that didn't "get it" for awhile. I was about your age when I first really started to wonder, and another year or so until I finally started fully embracing it. Being from the previous generation, I didn't have ready access to porn, so that probably didn't help matters any. Also, I'm not very "visually attuned". I don't notice attractive people from across the room unless I'm actively looking to do so. Otherwise, they're all just...people, y'know? Re: noticing girls. I'll just say my partner and I like to go to burlesque shows, which are mainly women taking their clothes off. And we can tell they're attractive, and some are downright stunning. But nothing happens south of the border, if you catch my drift. I know what turns me on - guys. Lex
As to the stages of loss, most people do experience all of them at some level, though as the dreamwatch said, not always sequentially, and sometimes people move back and forth between different stages. As for the anger, it can be things like "Why did this have to happen to me" or "I don't want this", and not necessarily typical anger. But sometimes, particularly with people who have a difficult time expressing negative emotions, it can go unexpressed and you move on toward bargaining. "Perhaps I'm straight and only noticing guys because maybe I want to be gay" may be a form of bargaining; you're acknowledging the behavior, but finding a way (however nonsensical) to explain it away. It's also not uncommon to bounce back and forth between denial and bargaining as you're processing everything. But actually, it sounds like, at least at an intellectual level, you're understanding the direction your self-examination seems to be leading in. I wouldn't be surprised if some stronger emotion comes up as you start to really embrace and accept who you are, and, honestly, that's perfectly OK.
