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how to tell the family?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by plaid900, Aug 28, 2011.

  1. plaid900

    Regular Member

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    Hey all,

    So I'm not a regular poster - so quick update on my situation. I just recently started coming out, and told the first person ever less than a month ago. Now, I'm way too goal-oriented, type A personality, and so I've had a goal of telling a person every day. So surprisingly, I'm almost out to all my friends already! It's gotten to the point where there isn't too much anxiety in telling friends.

    However, the idea of telling my family still sets off a terrible panic attack inside. But I know I need to tell them. I want to start dating and meeting people, but my family is so important to me and I don't like the idea of being dishonest with them and leading a double life. So I need to tell them. But I live in UT, and my whole family is from WI. I'm going back for labor day weekend, and have decided I want to tell them next weekend.

    Unfortunately, 2 of my sisters aren't going to be around for most of the weekend. So my parents set up a 'family dinner' for next Thurs, when everyone will be there (3 sisters, 3 bro-in-laws, neice, nephew, parents). Is it good to tell everyone at once? Should I tell my parents seperately beforehand?

    Also how do I get everything out that I want to? I've struggled with this in telling friends. I usually tell them in person, and then they get a 'follow-up' email (which I will post below). Should I modify this letter for my family and hand out paper copies at the dinner table? or is that weird?

    I'll take any advice :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 28th Aug 2011 at 02:07 PM ----------

    Here's my "follow-up letter" that I use with my friends:

    I’ve been going through a lot of life changes recently. One especially big life change has been the hardest decisions of my life, which is to be more honest with my friends, and myself, and admit that I am gay.

    Now, I hate that the struggle I’ve gone through for the last 11 years of my life gets summed up in the two words “I’m gay”, along with all the labels and stereotypes that come with it. Also, I’m guessing you might have a lot of questions (why did I wait so long? Am I really sure about this?) So, the majority of this e-mail is to put things into context. If you have any other questions, please let me know.

    I first realized I was different in 7th grade. A group of other students (popular by middle school standards) noticed I was different too. The fact that I was singing lead roles in the school musicals, and was in choir didn’t help. I was often called names and pushed in the hallways. I would end up taking long routes through the school to avoid certain hallways. This lifestyle made me hate going to school, and I tried my hardest to get out of going. When I had to go to school I would have serious panic attacks, often several times a day. My parents brought me to a doctor, where I lied and said I was too stressed about doing well in school. They bought it, and found some ways to make life easier.

    But in high school things got worse. Here there was a new group that had its sights set on me. I regularly had notes put in my locker with hateful words, or even displayed on my locker, and once my locker was taped shut with packaging tape causing me to be late for my next class as I spent time peeling it off. Eventually I had my locker switched and luckily the group never searched me out to continue torturing me. But I came to one solution - I did the best I could to just fit in. I didn’t audition for the musicals, I quit choir, and I just tried my hardest to not stand out. It didn’t always work, and I will forever look back on high school with disgust.

    Then college came. I still don’t know why I didn’t come out in college, as I’m certain I was surrounded by some of the best people in the world. I think maybe I had just trained myself to bury my secret. I am so happy that even with my secret, I think I’ll still be able to look back on college as the best days of my life.

    But even though I wasn’t teased in college or grad school, life wasn’t easy. On birthdays I would often give myself a pep-talk, of “24 years down, just keep going”, as if life was an endurance event that I had to get through. I promise I never became suicidal, but I would regularly think how convenient it would be if, by the hand of the world, I were to die. Then no one would ever know. When I first learned my grandmother had passed away, I remember my first thoughts were not sadness, but rather relief that one less person that I cared about would ever find out.

    But then things changed – and how quickly! I came out for the first time about 4 weeks ago, to my friend Aly. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I told her I had something to tell her, and then we sat in silence for what felt like hours, as I just cried and my whole body shook, knowing I had to say it but not wanting to. But the second I did was amazing, and it felt like the first time I had exhaled in about 11 years. Aly was the best, and showed me all the support and trust I needed.

    So, yes, I’m gay. But now that you know this, there are a lot of other things I want to stress. For example, I’ve always been gay. Remember when we first met? I was gay then. Remember when we had the most fun we’ve ever had together? I was gay then too. The memories, fun, and jokes we share from the past are still the same. I am still the same person. I still hate shopping. I still like beer and whiskey over fruity drinks. I still like hiking, camping, and yes, I still know how to skin a bobcat. I still value my family and friends above all else. I haven’t changed. What might change is your perception of me, but I ask for you to try to not let that happen.

    So as I go forward with my life, and as we go forward with our friendship, I ask for acceptance. Honestly, this has been the first time ever where I can picture my life 20 years from now, and be excited about it. I’d love to include you as a close friend of mine in that picture.
     
  2. ICTOAUN

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    this all depends on your family.. do u think they will support you being gay? or do you think they may be homophobic? if i were you, i would tell them all seperately. coming out to a group of ppl usually causes a group reaction. instead of everybody thinking for themselves, groups usually feed off of each others feelings and have the same reaction. i hope that made sense.
    i like the follow up letter. maybe you could give it to them after you come out so that they have time to process what you just told them. passing it out at dinner might be a little awkward.
    its all up to you though. do whatever will make u happiest. my suggestion is to come out to the family member who is likely to take it the best. so that when u come out to more relatives, you know that person will have your back.
    let us know how it goes!
     
  3. Daisy1

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    Telling your family is tricky. In general, I think these things are better discussed one-on-one, but if it's easier to do it in a group, then perhaps that's the best. I also I agree with ICTOAUN that it very much depends on how you think your family will react. If you think they may need time to digest, perhaps you should give them a heads-up before dinner, or maybe even send a version of the letter ahead of time.

    Also, I like your letter a lot.
     
  4. Know your family, that's most important. For me it wasn't too hard. I have parents that are conservative, but they don't think much of controlling what people do in their own lives. They have nothing against gay people, and would love me still if I told them I was a radical terrorist attempting to annex the entire state of California (they wouldn't stand for that, but they would love me and at least listen to the reasoning behind my manifesto). They couldn't have been more apathetic when I told them I was gay.

    "I'm gay."
    "Really? Well... okay. g'night, sweetie!"
    (Yes my mom occasionally calls me sweetie)

    My only regret from that is how much I overthought the whole thing. I told my brother first and began "plotting" my coming out to my parents. It took three years of thinking before actually doing. I contemplated writing a letter, calling my mom at her office, I even began coding a sort of video game to come out for me. Eventually I just set a fuzzy date (the night when we would have a particular food) and committed to telling them that night. It was all very anti-climatic.

    I do not know your situation very well, but it sounds like you have a generally loving family. Just go for it.
     
  5. plaid900

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    Hey all, thanks for your advice. Now that I think about it, it is probably best to do in small settings. Sometimes it's crazy how the world sets things up perfectly for you. One of my sisters just decided not to go camping, and the dinner has been cancelled. So thurs night I'll hang out with my one sister who IS leaving for the weekend, and then Fri night another one of my sisters is having a big group bonfire at her place, and so it should be easy to pull the other 2 sisters aside at some point. And I'll be staying with my parents all weekend, so an opportunity to tell them will definitely happen.

    I'm not overly worried about rejection from my family, it's just a hurdle I need to get over. Actually I think they will be completely fine with it... but it's crazy the "worst-case scenarios" one can concoct when coming out, so I'm still a little stressed about it.

    I think it will be much better this way. I'll get a chance to really connect and discuss it with each person/group. Thanks again everyone :slight_smile:
     
  6. jll2755

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    I also haven't told my family. I loved your letter. I think my family would react well but I'm just not ready. I wish I could tell them but I just can't.